One Month
by Catherine4
Summary: Sequel to my story 'One Week'. Now that her secret is out in the open, will Alicia find the courage to face up to what happened to her? And how will the revelation affect those who care about her the most? Mostly Alicia and Bea, with some Ethan thrown in.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone. Thank you for clicking! This is a sequel to my story 'One Week'. I wanted to keep that separate as a stand alone piece but I also wanted to explore my take on Alicia's story line a little bit further. This follows on immediately from 'One Week', so if you haven't already you should read that first. I hope you enjoy._

* * *

Alicia spent the short drive from the house to the hospital trying to think of what she was going to say to Mrs Beauchamp. It wasn't only her hasty departure mid-shift yesterday that she needed to explain. It was her behaviour during the past weeks, her short temper and the countless tiny mistakes she'd made, the majority of which, thank goodness, had done no real harm and went unnoticed. She tried desperately to formulate a plausible explanation that wasn't the truth, because despite the resolve she'd had when she was at home, Alicia didn't want anyone else to know. She'd told Bea and she was glad of it, but the more people who knew the harder it would be to keep secret from everyone.

Alicia stared out the window and tried to pretend she hadn't noticed Bea glancing over at her every time they stopped at traffic lights. Neither of them said a word. When Bea pulled into a parking space in front of the hospital and switched off the engine Alicia finally turned to her. "Right then" she said, taking a deep breath. "I won't be long. At least, I hope not."

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?" The concern in Bea's voice was obvious.

"No, I'm f…" Alicia stopped herself. She wasn't fine, not even close, and she knew Bea would tell her off if she tried to pretend. "I should face Mrs Beauchamp alone."

"Maybe" Bea said. "But do you want to?"

Alicia didn't want to be here at all. But she had to be if she wanted to keep her job. "I'm a big girl Bea" she said, but not in a malicious way. She offered Bea a smile, or tried to. "Thank you though."

Bea nodded. Something like disappointment crossed her face. Disappointment and worry, but also understanding. She reached over to the passenger seat and gave Alicia's hand a quick squeeze. "I'll be waiting here" she said. Alicia nodded and opened the car door.

She made it across the carpark no problem, striding resolutely towards the entrance to the ED. But when she reached the sliding automatic doors Alicia froze. She didn't panic, she didn't cry, she just couldn't move. It was as though she'd used up all her energy walking the 30 meters from Bea's little yellow car to these glass doors and had no more strength left to make it the final two metres.

Alicia didn't know how long she'd stood there before she felt a hand touch her shoulder and Bea was beside her. This was one more thing to add to the list of things Alicia couldn't do alone. Now she'd let Bea in on her secret she realised how much support she actually needed and how much she was fooling herself that she could cope alone.

Bea's hand moved to Alicia's back and she gently guided her forward and the doors parted obediently to let them inside. It was still early and the ED was surprisingly quiet. Alicia was thankful she didn't run into any of her colleagues on the walk to Connie's office.

"I really do need to do this bit alone though" Alicia said to Bea when they reached the door. She took one more step forward before she lost her nerve and knocked. Alicia felt Bea give her arm one final squeeze in encouragement, before retreating a little way down the corridor. Alicia was alone.

"Come in" Mrs Beauchamp said without looking up. She was hunched over her desk. Alicia closed the door quietly behind her and waited for Connie to look up. She didn't want to speak first, she needed every precious second she could get to make some sense of the thoughts in her head. She still had no idea what she was going to say.

It felt like an age before Mrs Beauchamp took her eyes off her paperwork. She seemed surprised to see Alicia standing there. She put the cap on her pen and sat up straighter. "Dr Munroe" she said. "I didn't expect to see you today."

Alicia fidgeted awkwardly. "Is now a bad time?"

"No. Please sit down."

Alicia hesitated. She would have liked to have been able to gauge Connie's mood from her tone of voice but she wasn't able to focus and her boss was hard to read at the best of times. Alicia's hands were still shaking and she hid them underneath the desk as she took a seat. "Mrs Beauchamp, about yesterday, please let me apologise." Alicia's words spilled out in a hurry. She wanted to be calm and in control and was failing already. "I'm sorry I walked out in the middle of the day. It won't happen again." Connie opened her mouth to speak, but Alicia carried on. "And please don't punish Dr Kinsella, it's my fault she didn't go back, I didn't give her a choice."

Connie took a deep breath. "You really have Dr Kinsella to thank that I'm not suspending you on the spot" she said. "Whatever she said to Dr Hardy yesterday convinced him to give you a chance to explain, and he can be persuasive when he wants to be. You have to thank them both."

Right, Ethan was working today. Alicia knew this. It's a good job she had forgotten as she didn't think she would have made it inside at all if she remembered there was a chance she could run into Ethan.

"But you do owe me an explanation" Connie said. Her voice was gentler than it could be when she was reprimanding someone, but the no nonsense tone was still unmistakably present. "You put us all in a very awkward position yesterday by disappearing without a word."

"I know" Alicia said. She looked down at her lap, anywhere but at her boss. Tears sprang in her eyes and she wiped them away with her sleeve, angry at herself for not keeping her composure. "I'm sorry" she said again, shaking her head furiously. "I don't know what to say."

"The truth?" Connie moved the file she was working on aside and leant on the desk, waiting. Alicia had her eyes shut. Connie sighed.

"The truth is, I don't want to tell you the truth. It will change everything and I'm not ready." Alicia found it hard to speak, every word was a struggle. "But I don't think I have a choice."

Through the little window in the office door, Bea watched the silent scene play out. Alicia had her back to the door so Bea couldn't see her face, but the moment Alicia admitted the truth, Bea could tell. Alicia's head fell forward and her shoulders shook and all Bea wanted to do was hold her.

She could see the stunned expression on Connie's face, and the way she jerked upright at the moment of Alicia's revelation. Mrs Beauchamp didn't strike Bea as the touchy feely type, and the older woman hovered awkwardly, seemingly deciding what she could possibly do to offer comfort. In the end she stood up and walked around the desk and placed a hand delicately on Alicia's shoulder.

Bea walked towards the door without really realising it and the movement caught Connie's eye.

When Mrs Beauchamp opened the door and gestured for her to come in Bea was weary, but she wanted to badly to see how Alicia was that she followed obediently.

"You're not in any trouble, Dr Kinsella" Mrs Beauchamp said. "Dr Munroe has told me everything."

Bea looked down at Alicia. She looked hollow, broken, as though telling another person about her ordeal so soon after confiding in Bea had taken some of the life out of her.

"But if you need to leave for an emergency again, please let someone know, ok?"

Bea nodded. She didn't know what to say, and felt strange and vaguely intimidated in Connie's presence, even though the older woman was being nothing but kind and understanding.

"Dr Munroe, you have my support. If you decide you want to go to the police, I'll back you up. I'm on your side."

"Thank you Mrs Beauchamp" Alicia said in a small voice.

"Take a few days off" Connie said to Alicia. It wasn't a suggestion, but nor was it an official suspension and for that Alicia was more than grateful.

Mrs Beauchamp made her excuses and left the room. Bea wasn't listening to the excuse she gave. When Connie left the room, Bea pulled up a chair next to Alicia and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. Alicia didn't cry, she didn't have the energy.

"You told her?"

"Yes."

"How was it?"

Alicia shrugged. "Awful" she said. "That's is, my secret is out."

"Mrs Beauchamp won't tell anybody, and I certainly won't."

Alicia touched Bea's arm. "I know. That's not what I meant." Alicia looked like she was about to say more but whatever it was, she decided against it.

Bea also had something she wanted to say and struggled with herself on whether or not to bring it up. Down the road tough love would be what Alicia would need, but right now when she was so fragile, Bea was afraid that pushing too hard would do more harm than good. But she had to try. "About going to the police…"

"Bea, please don't."

"He can't get away with what he did to you."

Alicia turned away from Bea then, hiding her face in her hands, and Bea immediately regretted her decision to push her. "I know you're just trying to help me, and in a few days I might feel differently, but I'm just not ready. Please don't ask me again."

Bea sighed. "Alright, I won't. For a few days."

Alicia knew then that Bea wouldn't give up. She looked into the face of her friend and saw a steely determination and fierce loyalty and knew that she would no longer be able to hide.

* * *

The house was quiet when Bea was not home. Sometimes Alicia liked it, enjoyed the solitude and the peace that came with not having to think about another person or worry about keeping up appearances. But sometimes it was too quiet, and in those moments when the only company Alicia had were her own thoughts all she wanted to do was scream and cry and make them go away.

Yesterday Alicia had cleaned the house from top to bottom, washed and folded all her laundry and had even weeded the garden. She should have slowed down and saved some chores for today. Because now she had nothing to do but sit.

When she was at work Eddie was an ever-looming presence and she was on edge from the moment she arrived at the hospital to the moment she left. But at least she felt useful. When she was with a patient she had someone else to focus on besides herself and that provided some relief. She couldn't spend another day on her own. Alicia needed to get back to work. Even if it meant seeing Eddie. But in the meantime, she ran.

She was still alone as she ran, but it was a lot better. She was well aware of the benefits of exercise on mental health and gave this advice to her patients often, but she'd never had reason to apply the theory to herself before. While she was running, Alicia didn't have to think about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other, she didn't even pay much attention to where she was going. Until she had run so far and so hard that she'd used all her energy then she began the much slower journey home before collapsing on the sofa numb and empty and so tired that she didn't have the energy to think. This was the escape she craved.

When Bea returned from work, this was the state she found Alicia in, crashed out on the sofa. She gently shook Alicia awake. "Hey" she said softly as Alicia blinked, her eyes adjusting to the light shining through the window. "Are you ok?"

Alicia sat up, clutching a cushion to her chest. "Yeah, not bad."

"Been for a run?"

Alicia was still in her running gear. As much as she craved a long warm shower the desire to sleep had won out. "Yeah. How was work?"

Bea put her backpack down and pulled off her trainers. "Same as always. I'm happy to be out of there. Listen, I've got plans tonight but I can cancel them if you want company."

"Don't be silly."

Bea smiled. "Ok. I better get ready then, wash the hospital smell out of my hair."

Half an hour later Bea ran down the stairs. "Have you seen my keys?" she said in a hurry. "I'm sure I put them down somewhere when I got home. I'm going to be so late." There was a rustle as she moved aside the post on the hallway table and then a jangle of metal. "Never mind, I've found them. I'll see you later." Bea popped her head around the door to say goodbye.

"Where are you off to anyway?" Alicia asked, noticing Bea's hair and make-up and the sleek striped jumpsuit she wore. Alicia was genuinely interested. She wasn't so inside her own head that she didn't have time to repay the support that Bea had shown her and show interest in someone else's life and happiness.

Bea blushed. "I have a date actually."

Alicia smiled. "Anyone I know?"

Bea thought she hadn't seen Alicia look this happy in weeks. She was touched. "Maybe. She works at the hospital. Her name's Lilah, she's a midwife."

"Is it a first date? You haven't mentioned anyone."

Bea made a face. "Third."

"Bea! You didn't tell me you were seeing someone." Alicia was a little shocked but also excited for her friend and for a moment she felt like her old self sharing gossip with a mate. "It's serious eh?

Bea shrugged, bashful all of a sudden. "We'll see. I really like her."

"You should have told me. I'm happy for you." Alicia leant over and gave Bea a playful punch in the arm.

Bea hitched her bag onto her shoulder. "The timing is crappy. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Just because my life in a mess right now doesn't mean yours has to be. Don't be miserable on my account. I'm fine, don't worry. I'm going to run myself a bubble bath and get and early night. I am feeling better, I promise."

"Ok." Bea stood up although she wasn't entirely convinced. She looked at her watch "I'm so late." She hesitated and opened her mouth to say something else but Alicia cut her off.

"Go!" Alicia said. She nudged Bea towards the door with her foot.

"Ok ok" Bea said. "I'm going. Wish me luck." Bea grinned, clearly excited.

"Good luck." Alicia couldn't help but be cheered. She threw the cushion on her lap aside, determined that tonight she wouldn't wallow in self-pity and guilt. Self-care was the name of tonight, and she began longing for that bubble bath.

"Bea" Alicia called and Bea turned around. "You look lovely by the way."

Bea grinned. "Cheers. I hope Lilah thinks so too."

* * *

"You're back at work." Bea looked up from her patient's notes, stifling a yawn, and was surprised to see Alicia on the other side of the reception desk.

"And you're alive" Alicia said with a smirk. "Your date went well then?"

Bea pretended to be embarrassed but she was doing a bad job of hiding her smile. "You could say that, yeah."

"I didn't hear you come home."

"I didn't."

Alicia knew this but was quite enjoying watching Bea squirm. It felt normal, to be teasing a friend about her love life. But then the smile on Bea's face morphed from one of embarrassment to one of quiet concern and the feeling or normality vanished.

"But what about you, are you sure you'd ok to be back here?"

Alicia lowered her voice and looked around to see if anyone was in earshot. "I was going crazy at home. I need to be here."

"And Mrs Beauchamp is alright with that?"

Alicia nodded, but before she could answer Robyn walked up. "Mr Davidson's test results are back" she said to Bea and handed over a sheet of paper. Bea took it, still watching Alicia, and made no attempt to read the lab results.

"Better get back to work Dr Kinsella" Alicia said, glancing at Robyn to see if she showed any signs of having overheard their conversation. She didn't. Having delivered the results to Bea she walked away. Alicia gave Bea a reassuring smile and picked up a patient chart of her own before walking into the overcrowded waiting area to find her first patient of the day.

* * *

"She's back?"

Eddie was outraged. Standing outside Resus staring at Alicia with contempt, he barely even flinched when Connie Beauchamp followed them both out of the double doors.

"You better be glad she is" Connie said, her voice quiet but as cold as ice. "She just saved you from making a mistake that could have cost that patient her life."

"It was under control" he said, not backing down. "I can't believe you haven't suspended her. She walked out on shift and left us all in the shit. Whatever drama she's got going on she should keep it at home. It's unprofessional."

Connie took a threatening step towards Eddie and looked him straight in the face. "Are you telling me how to run my department, Dr McAllister? If I were you I'd take a long hard look at myself before I accuse someone else of inappropriate behaviour."

Eddie exhaled deeply and shot Alicia a look filled with disdain before he stalked past both women down the corridor, shaking his head as he went.

Alicia had backed herself away a good few feet away from where Eddie and Connie had tood and was frozen. Connie turned to Alicia and saw her bent over slightly, breathing sharply "Are you alright?"

Alicia nodded quickly, as if that would make the statement true. She caught her breath and smoothed her hair and nodded again, more emphatically. "Yes. I just want to get back to work."

She pushed the double doors open and walked back into Resus, not waiting for Connie's reaction. The older woman watched her go, far from convinced about Alicia's mental stability but given the brilliant save she's just made, decided to trust her ability to do her job. She'd have to keep and eye on Alicia to make sure it stayed that way. Normally she left the supervision of junior doctors to her consultants and registrars but this was different. She could only imagine what Alicia was going through, she owed it to her to be discreet.

* * *

Alicia had carried on, putting more effort into her work than ever, trying not to let her earlier encounter with Eddie get to her. And it had worked for a little while. But now there was a lull she realised it had shaken her more than she'd like to admit.

She wanted to run to Bea, to the only person she felt comfortable confiding in and feeling vulnerable around, but Alicia was beginning to think it wasn't fair to rely so heavily on her housemate at every little setback. Bea told her she'd be there and Alicia believed her, but Bea had her own life and her own troubles. So instead Alicia was taking a minute alone to make a coffee and collect her thoughts.

The coffee machine beeped to let her know her drink was ready and she grabbed the warm mug feeling like maybe all she needed was five minutes to reset. But as she turned around the door to the staff room opened and the last person in the world she wanted to see was standing on the threshold.

Alicia stepped back instinctively and spilled her coffee in the process. She gripped the counter behind her to steady herself.

"What the hell was that?" Eddie asked angrily. He closed the door behind him hard and the bang of wood meeting wood made Alicia flinch. "I don't know what that was with Mrs Beauchamp but it isn't on. Dr Munroe, whatever slanderous lies you've been spreading about me it has to stop."

Alicia let out a bitter laugh and suddenly her anger outweighed her fear. "Lies? Are you joking?"

"If you're going to ruin my career I deserve to know why."

Alicia took her hands off the counter and stood up straight, feeling braver than she had for weeks. "You really have no idea do you?"

Darkness flashed across Eddie's face then. It was a darkness Alicia had seen before on the worst night of her life. The resolve she's found only minutes earlier eft her as quickly as it had come. She couldn't speak, she just wanted to get out but Eddie was standing between her and the door.

Alicia darted for the exit but she was too slow. "We need to talk about this" Eddie said in a quiet low growl. He grabbed her arm hard as she passed and turned her towards him. Alicia let out a cry of surprise and pain and closed her eyes.

"Get your hands off her."

Alicia and Eddie both turned to see Dr Kinsella standing in the doorway. The fierce look on her face surprised them both.

Bea didn't touch Eddie but she was ready to deck him if he didn't do what he was told. She came within inches of him before he finally released Alicia's arm roughly and turned away.

Alicia left out another cry and cradled her arm, the marks left by his fingertips were visible on her skin. Bea pulled Alicia away protectively. She kept one hand on Alicia's shoulder and acted as a barrier between her and Eddie.

"What the hell is wrong with all of you?" Eddie shouted. "All the women in this place have gone insane." He turned to Bea with a savage laugh. "I know you hated Men but this is something else."

Bea saw red. She let go of Alicia and flew at Eddie only stopping when Alicia called her name.

"Bea, don't. He's not worth it."

Bea caught a hold of her senses just in time before she did something that would get her suspended. Instead she squared up to Eddie and looked him straight in the eye. "You are scum" she said. "Stay away from us."

"Gladly."

"What's going on here?"

Dylan had entered the room and none of them had noticed. He looked at the three junior doctors with bewilderment and a bubbling anger on his face. He was about to tell them off as the whole patient waiting room could hear them shouting but he took one look at Alicia cowering in the corner, the rage on Bea's face and the fear on Eddie's and thought better of it. He surveyed the scene quickly and made a snap decision.

"Dr McAllister, out. Now."

Eddie thought better than to protest now and left without another word. Bea calmed down, breathing slowly. Alicia sank to the floor.

Dylan, socially awkward at the best of times didn't quite know what to do. He slowly closed the staff room door and watched as Bea went over to Alicia and picked her up off the ground.

The two girls walked to the sofa, Bea had her arm around Alicia's shoulder. Dylan picked up a box of tissues and held them out gingerly.

"Thank you Dr Keogh" Bea said, awkward herself at having to explain what the consultant had just witnessed without actually explaining why. "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what's going on and it's none of my business but... Are you alright?" He looked from Bea to Alicia, his brow furrowed.

Alicia wiped her face with a handful of tissues. "Not really, no. I think..." She paused, taking a deep breath and glancing at Bea quickly before looking back at Dylan. "Can you please go and get Mrs Beauchamp?"

Dylan was clearly confused and unused to being given instructions by F2s but didn't say so. He was just grateful for the opportunity to leave.

Alone with Bea finally, some of the tension left Alicia's body. Her hands were squeezed into fists so tight her nails had dug into her palms. She was still shaking though, and Bea hugged her, offering comfort which Alicia was more than willing to accept.

Bea wanted to ask what had happened, even though she had some idea, but her own curiosity wasn't important.

"I think I'm ready" Alicia finally said, hiccoughing. She took a couple of deep breaths to try and make them stop. She looked up at Bea. "I think I'm ready to go to the police."

Bea was relieved. She wanted to say that it was great, but it wasn't really. She wished her friend didn't have anything to go to the police about. Seeing Alicia so vulnerable and broken made Bea want to cry herself.

Mrs Beauchamp entered the room and Alicia lifted her head from Bea's shoulder. She wanted to compose herself, because unless she pretended to feel strong there was no hope she'd keep it together. She stood up and Bea was right behind her.

"I think I'm ready to go to the police" Alicia said again to her boss. There was only a tiny change in Connie's expression but Alicia noticed her eyes soften. "But I need to do it now before I bottle it."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Bea!"

Bea heard the knock at the door but didn't think much of it. It was a Saturday afternoon and she was lounging on her bed watching Netflix with Lilah. Lilah had her arm draped around her shoulders and Bea was enjoying relaxing in the company of her maybe-but-not-quite girlfriend. But Alicia calling her name in a panic made her start. She sat up and looked at Lilah who looked just as alarmed. "Go" Lilah said, and Bea didn't need asking twice.

Bea knew who was at the door before she saw their face. PC Black was on the doorstep with a calm but solemn look on her face. Alicia still held the door, frozen. She hadn't invited the policewoman in and PC Black hadn't tried to enter. She hadn't said a word, but she wouldn't be here unless there was some news. The tension in Alicia's shoulders as Bea came down the stairs told her that she was expecting the news to be bad, and Bea had to admit she wasn't any more optimistic.

"What's going on?" Bea asked.

PC Veronica Black took a breath. "Can I come in?"

"Yes, of course" Bea had to gently coax Alicia to move aside so she could enter the house.

Alicia sat on one sofa, Bea beside her, and the police constable assigned as her case contact sat on the other sofa. "I'm assuming you have some news about Eddie" Alicia said, finding her voice at last.

"Yes, that's why I'm here. There's some good news and some bad news."

"Bad first." Alicia reached towards Bea, taking her hand for support.

"Edward McAllister has been released on bail." Alicia inhaled sharply and looked up at the ceiling. But PC Black continued, undeterred. "But on the condition that he doesn't return to work at the hospital and he doesn't try to contact you or come anywhere near you. If he does, he'll be taken back into custody."

"Ok" Bea said, taking the information in. She looked at Alicia to see her reaction, but she seemed surprisingly calm. "What else?"

PC Black had her attention on Alicia. Although Bea was doing most of the talking it was important she let Alicia lead. Alicia watched her intently, waiting. "Well, this might not lead anywhere honestly, but I promised you I'd keep you informed of any developments. There's another girl."

Alicia started. "He's done this before?" her voice was shaking. Bea squeezed her hand to steady her.

"Yes. Two years ago there were allegations made but the charges were dropped, ultimately the woman decided not to pursue the case."

PC Black hesitated when she said 'woman'. Alicia thought she sensed the word 'victim' on her lips instead, but the police officer swallowed it just in time. Because that's what they were, as much as Alicia hated that word and the connotations of weakness it brought up. Ever since Eddie's arrest she was coming to terms with that label and what it meant for how people would see her from now on and how Alicia would see herself.

"Who is she?" Bea asked.

"I can't tell you, it's confidential. But we've been in contact with her again. Our hope is that if she knows there's someone else with a case against Dr McAllister she might be willing to come forward again to testify. When we know more, I'll let you know."

Alicia knew she should be thankful for this development. There was a chance now, however small, that it wouldn't just be her word against Eddie's in front of a jury. As determined as she had grown to be in the past few days to make Eddie pay for what he did to her, she knew deep down that it was a long shot. There was no evidence, she'd set fire to it in her back garden, and the only eye witness testimonies that there could possibly be were not in her favour.

But really, she was angry. Angry at Eddie that she was not the first girl he had attacked and angry at this other girl for letting him get away with it once. She hated herself for that thought, but she couldn't help it. That's why her tears fell now, as Bea left her where she sat on the couch to show PC Black to the door. They were tears of anger and shame at her feelings. Because she of all people knew how this girl must have felt and how hard it must have been for her to go to the police in the first place.

Bea came back to find Alicia with her face pressed into a cushion. Bea let her vent for a minute before she gently peeled it away.

"What?" Bea asked, soothingly. "Talk to me. Are you worried about Eddie being out?"

Alicia shook her head. That wasn't it at all, although no doubt those fears would show themselves sooner rather than later. "I don't want to tell you. You'll think I'm a horrible person."

"I could never think that" Bea said. Alicia wasn't so sure, but if this past month had taught her anything it was that keeping secrets never ended well.

"I'm angry that Eddie's done this before and still pleaded ignorance. But more than that I'm angry at this other girl for letting him get away with doing the same thing before." Alicia looked up, tears running down her cheeks. "Isn't that awful? I should be sympathetic."

"No" Bea said. "You're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel, I'm not judging you."

"I'm judging myself though."

There was a creak on the stairs. Alicia wiped her face, embarrassed suddenly. She had forgotten there was somebody else in the house.

Bea stood up. "Lilah?"

Lilah came to the door. She had her shoes in her hand and her bag slung over one shoulder. "Hey, I think I should go."

Bea stepped towards her. "No, don't do that. I was having a good time."

Lilah brushed a strand of hair away from Bea's face and smiled sadly. "I was too. But I don't want to intrude. I can tell this is important, whatever it is. I don't want to be in the way." She ran her hands over Bea's shoulders and down her arms. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Bea maybe should have tried harder to keep Lilah from leaving but the truth was that in the moment when she too was hearing the news about Eddie Bea had forgotten briefly that Lilah was upstairs too. Bea nodded. Lilah bent down and gave Bea a kiss then a minute later the front door slammed behind her as she left.

"I'm sorry" Alicia said. "That was my fault."

"Don't worry about it" Bea said. "Lilah and me will be fine."

"No, I don't want to get in the way. You have your own life to be living, not everything it about me." Alicia smiled with embarrassment as she said this. She knew how she sounded. Of course not everything was about her.

"Alicia, I meant it when I said I would be here for you. I'm here. Don't worry about anything else."

* * *

"Dr Munroe!"

The little girl Alicia had met earlier in the ED ran up to her when she entered the maternity ward.

"Hey Sophie. Is your baby brother here yet?"

"No not yet" Sophie said with a sigh. "My Dad's stuck in traffic too. Mum says he was stupid to go on a business trip when the baby was about to come."

Alicia smiled. "I know, she told me." Repeatedly, Alicia thought with a chuckle. It was all Mrs Johnson would talk about when she came into the ED that morning in the early stages of labour. "He'll be here soon enough" Alicia said to the nine year old beside her. "Your Dad and your brother."

Sophie sighed theatrically and slumped down on one of the chairs outside the delivery room. "I hope so. I'm bored. And hungry."

Lilah came out of the delivery room then and smiled when she saw Alicia. "Hello. Have you come to check on Flora Johnson? It will be a while before the baby's here yet. He's taking his sweet time."

Alicia followed Lilah to the ward's reception desk. "Partly, yes. But I also wanted to see you. Listen, I'm sorry about the other day. I'm sorry if you felt you weren't welcome. It's Bea's home too, I want you to feel welcome."

"Don't worry about it" Lilah said. She looked up from the computer screen. "Bea hasn't said anything to me but it's obvious you're going through something and need her support. It's fine, really."

Alicia shook her head. "It's not though. It's not fair on Bea. She's being an amazing friend right now and I repay her by ruining her weekend. Will you come over tonight? I know Bea will want to see you."

Lilah nodded, then a smile crept onto her lips at the possibility. "Ok. If you're sure. Thank you."

Alicia nodded. "Good. I should get back downstairs."

Just then a scream could be heard from the delivery room and Lilah and Alicia both smiled. "I guess I should get back to work too."

* * *

Alicia was taking five minutes to herself outside in the ambulance bay to escape the madness of the ED. She took a drag on her cigarette and stared out across the car park.

"It's a terrible habit you know."

Alicia blinked. "Ethan."

Dr Hardy sat down on the wall beside her, keeping a respectful distance. There was a time when they were each other's go to person in times of distress. But that time felt like a million years ago. It hurt Ethan to see Alicia in pain, but when he was partly responsible for that paid it was even worse.

Alicia felt tense now with Ethan beside her and that thought made her want to cry. A little piece of her resented him, she'd been all ready to admit the truth to Ethan the very next day after the night with Eddie, and she couldn't help imagining how different things might be if he had let her admit the truth instead of running out of her house. After that she had kept it all inside, bottling everything up until she had nearly self-destructed, ruining her career and pushing everyone away. It wasn't far to blame Ethan, Alicia knew this, but as Bea was always telling her, she was allowed to feel whatever she was feeling.

Obviously Ethan knew something was up, he wasn't an idiot. Eddie was no longer at work, no doubt Mrs Beauchamp told Ethan he was suspended and kept the details vague. Alicia didn't know what was stopping her telling Ethan everything anymore. It had been a few weeks since she had confided in Bea and Connie, and she could hear the whispered gossip about what had happened to Dr McAllister but Alicia didn't want the whole world knowing every sordid detail of her worst day. That included Ethan.

"You seem happier" Ethan said. He turned to Alicia but stayed at a distance. "You seem calmer."

"Compared to the nightmare I was before?" Alicia said. Her tone was accusatory, she didn't mean it to be.

"That's not what I meant."

Alicia gave Ethan a small smile. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I know I'm not your favourite person right now, and that's ok. But I will always care about you Alicia." Ethan was uncomfortable, Alicia knew it, but she didn't have room in her head right now to try to comfort him. It was selfish, but if she tried to say something to make him feel better it would come out as insincere and trite. He continued. "You have support right? Bea's helping you?"

Alicia nodded.

"That's all that matters." Ethan stood up. He watched Alicia for a moment as she took another drag on her cigarette and thought about saying more, but whatever words were forming on his lips he left them unsaid. "Ok. I'll leave you to it. See you back inside."

When Ethan was gone, Alicia stubbed out her cigarette and threw it on the ground. She put her face in her hands. Talking to Ethan used to be so easy but now it was so so hard. Only weeks ago the possibility of them reconciling and rekindling their relationship had been a real tangible possibility and now nothing seemed further from reality.

The problem wasn't really Alicia's feelings towards Ethan. She still cared about him, even if she couldn't articulate it. The problem was that Alicia had no room in her mind for thoughts of a relationship, it was too full up of Eddie and police investigations and trying to keep it together at work. At the moment she couldn't see a time when she would be ready, it was too far in the future.

Alicia longed for a time when she would feel like herself again. She was scared that she never would.

* * *

"Are you ready to go?"

Alicia was changed already when Bea entered the staff room still in her scrubs and opened her locker. She looked distant. Bea had learnt to read the warning signs that Alicia was about to retreat into her shell and was not about to let that happen again.

Alicia nodded slowly. "Yes. Sorry. I just talked with Ethan, it threw me a bit." At the look on Bea's face, she shook her head. "I didn't tell him, although I'm sure he'll put two and two together soon enough and work out what's going on."

"I wouldn't count on that" Bea said, jokingly. "Men are pretty clueless and not very perceptive." The attempt at humour didn't work so Bea changed tactics. "Hey, that woman from earlier had her baby. Lilah came down to tell me but I couldn't find you. A baby boy, 7lbs 2oz. Her husband made it here on time for the birth too. They named him Nathaniel."

Alicia smiled. "That's great." And it really wasn't often the patients she treated had a happy outcome quite so soon. But Alicia was having a hard time feeling anything but numb today.

"Give me five minutes to change and we'll go home" Bea said, and took her street clothes out of her locker, slamming the door. "Via the shops. I don't think there's anything in the fridge but beer and coffee."

They stopped at the supermarket on the way home to get something for dinner. Alicia didn't have much of an appetite. Alicia would have been happy with beer for dinner honestly, but when she said this out loud Bea looked at her with a mixture of worry and helplessness that made Alicia feel guilty for the tenth time today about offloading so much on Bea. She let her chose what to have for dinner. Alicia packed the bags at the checkout not noticing anything that Bea had bought to cook and followed Bea out of the shop towards her car.

The car pack was filled with parents trailing grouchy school-uniformed kids behind full trolleys and office workers in business suits doing quick shops on their way home from work. Alicia didn't register them as individual people, only a blur of activity that she wanted to escape. But they walked around the corner on the way to Bea's car and something made Alicia stop dead. She dropped the carrier bag she was holding on the path and tried to catch her breath.

Eddie.

Except it wasn't Eddie. The guy standing at the bus stop typing on his phone didn't even really look like Eddie when Alicia recovered her senses and really looked, but his build was similar and at first glance…

A little way ahead Bea turned around. "Alicia?"

Quickly Alicia scrambled to pick up the bag, feeling foolish. "I just dropped the shopping, that's all. It slipped."

"Lucky it's only vegetables in there" Bea said, walking back to help Alicia. Bea bent down and retried an escaped cauliflower. She studied Alicia's expression. "Are you sure that's all it was?"

"Yes. It was nothing, just me being clumsy." Bea didn't believe her but she let it go. Alicia was sure her face was still red from embarrassment and wanted to deflect attention as soon as possible. "So what's for dinner then?"

* * *

"Alicia. Wake up."

Bea kneeled on the floor by Alicia's bed and gently shook her. In her sleep, Alicia struggled, and even in the dim 3am light Bea could see the look of distress on her face.

Bea wondered whether or not to wake Alicia. She didn't think her waking thoughts were any better than her nightmares at the moment, and a large part of Bea didn't think it was her call to make. But selfishly, she couldn't stand to see Alicia this upset, even in her sleep. And Bea could hear her cries through the wall and she lay awake herself.

After the first attempt to wake her failed Bea thought better of it. She sat down on the carpet and waited. Eventually Alicia seemed to calm and Bea tried again. Alicia's hair clung to her forehead with sweat and Bea brushed it away.

In the darkness, Alicia opened her eyes with a start and blinked, trying to focus in the gloom.

"Hey" Bea said.

Alicia was still breathing heavily. "What time is it?"

"So early. Are you alright?"

Stupid question Bea, she thought to herself. Clearly Alicia was not alright. She felt like a broken record but she didn't know what else to say.

"I had a bad dream, that's all."

"Yeah, I heard you."

Alicia pulled the tangled bedsheet around her. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's ok" Bea said, and she meant it. "It's roasting in here, you're drenched in sweat. Why don't you open the window?"

"No, I…" How could Alicia say that she didn't feel safe in her bedroom even with the window shut? That she had only been asleep for ten minutes before a noise from outside had woken her up and she became convinced Eddie was out there trying to get in? She knew how ridiculous it sounded in her head, she wouldn't say it out loud. Not even to Bea.

But even in the half light, Alicia could see that she didn't have to say it. Bea had already guessed. "You don't feel safe?"

Alicia didn't even try to pretend, it was pointless. "Why did they let him out Bea? When they arrested Eddie I felt like I could breathe. I didn't have to keep looking over my shoulder all the time, but now…" Alicia spoke in a hushed sleepy whisper but with every word her voice became more and more chocked with emotion. "Earlier at the supermarket I thought I saw him. But it wasn't him. But everywhere I turn…"

From her place sitting cross legged on Alicia's carpet, Bea reached up and rubbed Alicia's shoulder through the sheet. "What can I do? Do you want me to stay for a bit?"

Alicia sniffed. "Lilah might get the wrong idea."

Bea ignored Alicia's attempt to divert attention with humour. "Close your eyes" She said. "Try and sleep. I'll sit. For a while."

Bea didn't know how much time had passed before she climbed back into her bed. It could have been five minutes, it could have been half an hour. The cool breeze coming through her open window was welcome after the sweltering heat of Alicia's room and she stood in the dark for a moment enjoying it.

"Is everything ok?" came Lilah's muffled voice from the darkness.

Bea turned. "Yes. Everything's fine."

"Come back to bed."

Bea obliged, crawling underneath he thin sheet. It really was too hot, even in here. But nevertheless Lilah's arm came to rest across Bea's middle as she settled back down. Her head hit the pillow and she was comforted by Lilah's presence beside her. But in this heat, she knew she wouldn't sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_This week's episode, oh my heart._

 _I have plans for this story that I formulated in my mind weeks ago when I first started writing this. The timeline and events won't fit with the actual show but I don't want to change my plans. There are things that have happened on the show which I'm ignoring, I hope you can just go with it and enjoy what I write. Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your feedback if you do._

 **Chapter 3**

Bea noticed the tension had gone from Alicia's shoulders as she walked up to the reception desk. Bea stifled a yawn as she slung her stethoscope round her neck and gently touched Alicia's arm. "Hey. You seem happier this morning." She took a sip of her coffee, fortifying herself for the start of another shift at Holby ED and whatever that might throw at her.

Alicia smiled when she looked up from the computer screen. It wasn't forced, it was the normal smile of someone greeting their friend, housemate and colleague. "You know what, I am." Alicia lowered her voice a little. "I went to see the councillor before work this morning."

"You did?" Bea was surprised. After the last session where Bea had gone along for support, Alicia had told her herself that she didn't think she would have the strength without Bea by her side. This new step was huge, but Bea didn't want to make it into a big deal when Alicia was talking about this solo session so casually. "How was it?"

Alicia nodded slowly. "It was good. Productive. I decided something in the session but I'll tell you later, I don't want to do it around here."

"I'm free tonight?" Bea offered. She was curious, but she wouldn't push now. Alicia seemed calm and happy. Whatever it was, she was sure it could wait.

"Great. I'll get the wine in."

Bea smiled. "I'm proud of you."

Alicia turned her head away, flustered and embarrassed by the compliment. Bea gave her arm a squeeze to show she meant it, despite Alicia's discomfort.

"Yeah, well, I should probably get on with some work."

"Sorry" Bea apologised but she wasn't sorry at all. She meant it, she was proud. "Who have we got first then?"

Alicia straightened herself out and turned back to Bea. "You're not with me today" she said, but she was grinning.

"What? Why not?" The junior doctor was confused. She followed Alicia's gaze.

"You're with us instead." Iain and Sam walked around the corner. Iain was carrying an extra green jacket and had a goofy grin on his face.

Bea turned back to Alicia. She had a big smile on her face too. It was a rare sight, and it made Bea smile too, more so than what she knew was coming.

"Surprise. I sorted for you to spend the day with the ambulance crew." Bea still didn't say anything. Alicia leaned in closer to her. "You still want to go on that trauma course don't you?" It was a rhetorical question. "Then who better to learn from than two former army medics?"

"Two of the very best former army medics" Iain corrected. Sam shook her head at him. She snatched the jacket and handed it to Bea. "Come on" she said. "This will be fun. Although I can't promise anything particularly exciting."

"And you're here strictly as an observer" Iain clarified. "No heroics. I know you doctors like to swoop in and steal all the glory but you are here to watch and learn and that is all."

Bea nodded seriously, but her excitement was clear. "Absolutely, whatever you say. I will obey your every instruction."

"Oh, don't tell him that" Sam said, "it will go to his head."

As if on cue the radio on Iain's shoulder crackled to life. "Holby control to 3006."

"Go ahead control" Iain replied. He was already heading towards the exit to the ambulance bay and gestured for Sam and Bea to follow.

Bea wasted no time. As she was eagerly shoving her arm through a sleeve she turned back to Alicia. "Thank you so much" she said.

"My pleasure. See you later. Stay out of trouble."

* * *

"I fell out of a tree."

This child seemed surprisingly chipper given the graze on her forehead and splint on her wrist. Alicia couldn't help but laugh. "Oh yeah? What were you doing up there?"

The girl shrugged and glanced apprehensively towards her frazzled looking mother standing in the corner of the cubicle. "I was exploring."

"I've told her a million times" the woman piped up. "She's too little to be chasing her brothers around and copying what they do."

"I'm not" the little girl replied, defiant. "I was fine before Josh started shaking the branches."

Alicia couldn't hide her amusement. She loved patients like this. Happy despite their misfortune and with a clear-cut problem Alicia could fix. If the rest of her shift carried on like this it would be a good day. "Lie back for me please Evie, I just need to have a listen to your chest."

"I hit my head" she continued. "And I landed on my wrist. Then Scott fell on top of me but it's alright, that didn't hurt much."

"Her brother's next door, I should go and check on him soon" the mother clarified. "God, why couldn't I have children who were content to sit inside and watch TV all day like most kids?"

Alicia took a deep breath and sighed dramatically and took her stethoscope out of one ear. "You have to stop talking for one minute so I can listen ok?" Evie closed her mouth and nodded. "Thank you." She had a listen for a beat before replacing her stethoscope around her neck. "Her breathing sounds fine, though judging by the amount she's talking I could have told you that without listening."

Evie giggled. "Mrs Jones says I talk too much at school."

"I'm not surprised." Alicia turned her attention to the girl's wrist and began to examine it. "So how many brothers do you have?"

"Four. But Henry's too old and boring to adventure with us anymore, and Billy's only two."

"Four brothers?" Alicia said. "That can't be much fun sometimes."

Evie shook her head. "It's brilliant. They know all the best climbing trees."

Alicia laughed. "Well Mum, the cut on her head is superficial, it won't need stitches. The wrist looks like it's broken I'm afraid but I will organise an x-ray just to make sure. We'll have Evie patched up and out of here in no time."

"Thank you, Dr Munroe" the woman said. "I'm sorry my family are adding to your workload."

"Not at all." Alicia smiled reassuringly, not wishing to add to her stress. "It's what we're here for. Honestly, if all my patients were as easy as this one my job would be a lot more enjoyable."

Alicia pulled aside the curtain and left the cubicle, pulling it closed behind her. At the same moment Ethan emerged from the cubicle next door that contained Evie's brother. "How's your patient?" he asked, seeing Alicia.

"Talkative. I'm sending her up for an x-ray. Yours?"

"Cuts and bruises mostly. He's sprained his ankle but no broken bones. I think his little sister broke his fall. He's mostly just embarrassed."

They walked together to the reception desk to organise the tests and x-rays their patients required. It felt natural, being in each other's company. It felt easy. Ethan had stopped looking at Alicia as though she was a tiny injured kitten, and Alicia had stopped beating herself up that she still hadn't told Ethan what had happened to her. It wasn't that he had stopped caring or stopped being curious, of that Alicia was sure, but he had stepped back and for that she was grateful. All she really needed from him was space, and she felt confident that it wouldn't be long before she felt ready to confide in him.

First Alicia needed to get her head around the decision she'd made in her counselling session this morning, then she could think about telling Ethan everything. One step at a time.

* * *

The ambulance was parked up for their mid-morning coffee break having seen three patients already today. Having ferried two accident prone siblings and their worried mother to the ED, they'd attended one of their many regulars, a mild-mannered and apologetic chronic alcoholic who had fallen down the stairs and whacked his head on the wall.

From the passenger seat, Iain turned to face Bea in the back. "How were your first couple of hours on the road?" he asked.

"Good" Bea said. "Different."

"Old Jake might be as interesting as this shift gets."

"Well, he did have quite an impressive collection of 80's rock band memorabilia."

Sam leant over and punched Iain on the arm. "Ouch, what was that for?"

" _'Old Jake might be as interesting as this shift gets'_ " Sam mimicked. "You've gone and jinxed it now."

"You don't believe all that rubbish, do you?" Iain asked, still rubbing his arm.

"I don't like to take my chances." Another call came through then and this time it was Sam who reached for the radio to answer. "If this is anything other than an old lady we have to pick up off the floor you're getting the biggest 'I told you so' on earth."

Fifteen minutes later they'd arrived at the location of their call and Bea eagerly jumped out of the ambulance, hauling a bag of equipment they might need with her. All they knew was that a child had fallen but there were no more details than that. Dispatch had told them the caller who dialled 999 was a child themselves and this automatically put the experienced paramedics on high alert. They didn't know what they would find, so the best thing to do was to prepare for anything. As they climbed out of the ambulance and Sam locked the doors, all three of them got the feeling that this child's fall would be in a whole different league to Scott and Evie's from earlier.

The address they'd reached was an abandoned school. Evidently the 'Keep Out' signs had been no deterrent to bored kids on their summer holidays. The chicken wire fence had been peeled aside to form a gap. It was a tight squeeze, but they managed to crawl through with their supplies just as two frightened boys came running towards them.

"Hurry please" one of them said, struggling to catch his breath. "Jack's stuck and he's hurt really bad."

The other boy, the one that didn't speak, looked close to tears. "We're sorry" he said, hiccupping quietly. "It was an accident."

"It's alright" Iain said. "You're not in any trouble. Just show us where your friend is ok?"

Both boys sprinted away. Iain, Sam and Bea jogged to catch up.

Despite the bright morning sunshine, inside the derelict building it was dim and dusty. Bea looked around as her eyes adjusted to the change in light. They were in one of the school's outhouses.

"Watch your step" Sam warned, and Bea stopped moving. "These floorboards don't look very stable."

"They're not" one of the boys said. "Jack fell through and he can't get out. I think he's busted his leg."

Just then they all heard a groan and then another voice saying help was on its way. They all turned in the direction of the sounds. "Wait outside boys" Iain said, ushering the boys back to the door. Leave it to us." They nodded, but seemed reluctant. "Look, we don't want any more casualties than we already have. Let us help your friend."

"He's my brother" the quieter boy piped up. "Please help him."

Bea was closest to the boys so crouched down in front of them, trying her best to be reassuring. "Don't be scared" she said. "We'll get him out."

"Come on Danny" the older boy said, tugging his friend's sleeve. "We should run to your house and get your Dad." To Bea he said, "it's only down the road a bit, it won't take long."

By the time Bea had seen the kids safely outside, Iain and Sam were already moving cautiously into the building. By the time Bea caught up they were standing over another boy who was crouched on the ground over a hold in the splintered floorboards.

"It's ok Jack, the ambulance people are here." The moved aside and slowly retreated out of the building to join his friends. Iain got down on the ground and shined a torch into the hole that was no bigger than half a metre across.

"Hi Jack, my name's Iain. Can you tell me where it hurts?"

The beam of Iain's torch found the anguished face of a boy, no older than twelve lying on the ground surrounded by debris. The light travelled down the length of his body and rested on his left leg, bent round at a squeamishly wrong angle to where it should be. Jack groaned again and didn't answer at first. It was clear to Iain what the answer to his question was but he wanted to hear it from Jack, wanted to keep him talking. "Come on buddy, talk to me."

"My leg" he said. "It hurts so bad."

"Alright, just hold on. We'll get you out of there."

Iain backed away from the hold in the floor and looked up at Sam and Bea. "It's a mess down there and his leg doesn't look good. It's a good 10 metre drop, who knows what other damage he's done."

"Alright, I'll call the fire crew for assistance." Ever practical, Sam wasted no time in calling it into control.

"Can I do anything?" Bea was concerned and felt utterly useless not being able to help.

"No. We can't do much of anything until we get some assistance."

"Can I look?" Bea asked. Iain nodded and handed her the torch. Even though strictly speaking she was only an observer today, it said so in big yellow letters on the back of her jacket after all, she was still a doctor and it wasn't in her nature to sit by and not try to help. She lay on the dusty ground, her face above the broken floorboards, and shined the torch into the darkness.

"Hi Jack, my name's Bea, I'm a doctor. We'll do everything we can to help you but you've got to help us too, can you do that?"

Bea had heard the boy talk to Iain only two minutes ago, but in the short time that had passed he had fallen silent. She shined the torch on his face and watched his eyes flutter shut. "Jack? Jack, can you hear me?" Bea's voice rose and a note of panic entered it. "Jack, talk to me."

"What's happened?"

Iain was at her shoulder in a flash and Bea whipped her head round to look at the paramedic. "He's lost consciousness." Bea moved to the side a little so Sam could see and moved the torch slightly. "Look, I think that's blood. It looks like he hit his head on that breeze block there."

"Where's the fire crew Sam?" Iain shouted to his colleague.

"They're on their way" she replied, coming back inside "but they could be 20 minutes."

"That's too long" Iain said under his breath, but he sounded resigned. There wasn't much they could do about the fire crew's ETA, they would just have to do the best they could in the meantime.

"We need to get down there" Bea said.

Iain took hold of both Bea's shoulders. "Steady on. We'll just wait for the fire crew. We can't get down there without them."

Suddenly a thought struck Bea. "I could. It'll be tight but I could fit through that gap." Iain and Sam shared a look that Bea couldn't read, but she hoped it meant that they two were thinking that this kid potentially didn't have twenty minutes. He wasn't moving, and it was too dark to tell whether he was breathing or not, even with the torch. "Being skinny has its perks. Come on, he needs help. You guys carry rope, don't you? Lower me down, I'll be fine."

Sam and Iain made a silent decision between them. They'd worked side by side so long and knew each other so well that often words weren't necessary. God knows how much paperwork they'd have to complete after this, and they could already hear the bollocking they'd get from Jan, not to mention never being allowed to supervise observers again, but neither of them were overly concerned about any of that now. They were concerned about a child in danger.

"Alright" Iain said cautiously. "But you're wearing a helmet and a harness and I'm pulling you out the minute the fire engine gets here." With that, Sam left in a hurry to race back to the ambulance.

* * *

"What's all the noise coming from cubicles?" Dr Keogh asked the assembled staff at the reception desk in his typical gruff manner.

"The Parkinson family" Robyn and Alicia said in unison. High pitched laughter then emanated from behind the curtain before the smallest in the family made a break for it, pursued quickly by an equally stressed looking father.

"Dad and the other brothers arrived" Robyn clarified. Dylan only raised an eyebrow.

"Well, ask them to keep it down would you? This is a hospital not a playground."

"Yes Dr Keogh." Louise was the one who answered, and she tried her best not to sound sarcastic. Dylan walked away and the smile came back to her face. "Is it me or his he grumpier than usual today? It's nice to have a bit of laughter in this place for a change."

Alicia had to agree. It was nice to feel happy at work again. It was nice to share good natured banter with her colleagues. For months Alicia had been so consumed by her problems she couldn't find joy in anything. She hadn't been an easy person to work with or be around either. Now she could see light out the other side of the darkest period in her life, she could recognise what a nightmare she had been. It was a wonder anyone was still talking to her at all, much less being nice to her. She would apologise, soon. When she was able to give an honest explanation of her mood swings to everyone without feeling like her insides were crushing under the weight of what happened, she would apologise.

As this thought entered her head, she blinked to see that most of her colleagues had dispersed. Only Robyn remained. "It's good to see you smiling again" the nurse said and smiled up at Alicia. She was offering a tentative olive branch, and it made Alicia's guilt return.

Robyn had been through hell, she was grieving her husband and trying to raise a baby alone, if anyone had aright to lash out at the world it was her, but she had been nothing her usual sweet and lovely self throughout.

"Are few of us are going for drinks after work if you fancy it?" Robyn asked.

"I would love to" Alicia said truthfully. "Really. But I have something I need to do tonight. Thanks though."

* * *

"Are you sure about this Bea?" Sam asked one more time. Of the two of them, Sam was less convinced than Iain that this was a god idea.

"I'm sure" Bea said. "The kid's unconscious, every second counts."

Sam nodded. She knew this. But her and Iain were responsible for Dr Kinsella as well as the patient and the first rule that's drummed into every new recruit fresh out of training is that your personal safety comes first. But she looked at Bea, helmet and harness on, and knew there was no dissuading her. "Alright" she said, grabbing the end of the rope beside Iain. "Once you're down there we'll pass you down the kit bag. Be careful."

When she'd made it through the hole into the basement below, Bea scrambled over the broken floorboards, rubble and broken mangled pieces of whatever machinery was stored in this building as fast as she could to the patient. She crouched over him and could see he was in a bad way before she even touched him.

"He's breathing" Bea called up, relieved. She locked eyes with Sam who was leaning over the hole shining the light down. "But it's uneven. He could have punctured a lung." Bea checked Jack over some more, checked his head wound and his leg. They'd have to bandage his head and put his leg in an immobilising brace, but that wasn't a priority. She gently shook the boy. "Jack? Wake up."

Just then they heard another voice calling for Jack, and then a smaller frightened voice shouting 'Dad'. "I've got this" Iain said from somewhere over to the right. "I'll see about giving the fire crew a hurry on as well."

Bea took Jack's pulse. It was slow. And he showed no signs of regaining consciousness. The signs were bad, Bea knew it, but panicking would do no good. It wasn't the most attractive quality for a potential trauma surgeon to have. She may as well start proving she had what it took straight away, if only to herself. She knew she'd made the right choice coming down here, even if she was going to get an earful from Mrs Beauchamp later for being reckless.

Bea could hear raised voices from outside but they sounded far away. "Sir, it's not safe for you to come in here" she heard Iain say. The distraught father replied that it was his son, he needed to be with him, and Bea saw Sam turn her head to see what was going on. The torch beam left and it was a little darker, though the headlamp Bea was wearing prevented them from being in total darkness. All she could see was the boy's face. Bea felt that looking around at the potential danger that surrounded them might make her lose focus on the patient. She shook him again.

"Jack, your Dad's here. Can you open your eyes for me?" He didn't, but Bea felt him move and breathed a sigh of relief. "Jack?" There was a groan, and slowly and groggily he opened his eyes. "Hey, welcome back. Try not to move, ok? I'll give you something for the pain." She unzipped the bag containing the drugs. "He's awake" Bea called up to her as she searched for a syringe. "I'm giving him…"

But she didn't have a chance to finish that sentence. She heard a scuffle and Sam and Iain shouting, then heavy footsteps. A second later, there was a loud sound that was somewhere between a crash and a clap of thunder before assorted industrial materials began raining down. Bea had no time to think more than one thought in the time it took for her to realise what was happening, and she threw her body across the boy to protect him as best she could.

Bea's ears were ringing and she could hear more shouting, and she was aware of pain, but both the voices and the pain felt far away. She let out a small moan as her eyes drifted closed.


	4. Chapter 4

_Last night's episode and next weeks trailer were so good but I'm scared and sad and I'm sorry for piling on more angst in this chapter!_

 **Chapter 4**

Iain flung both arms around the man's waist and yanked him away in the nick of time. They ended up sprawled in a heap on the gravel just outside the door. Iain pushed the man away and struggled to his feet. "I told you to stay outside, now look." Iain was furious. The man couldn't speak, but hot tears flowed down his cheeks. Iain turned away, he didn't have time for that.

"Sam! Bea!" He gripped the doorframe and leaned inside. He'd felt the floor give way and lunged for safety. He didn't know how far into the room was safe to tread anymore.

"I'm here" Sam replied. She coughed a few times. "I'm ok." She was holding onto a pipe for balance, but the side of the room she was standing in was largely intact. The problem was she could no longer reach the door and was trapped.

"Don't move" Iain said, afraid for his colleague. "Have you got a torch?"

"Yeah" Sam replied, knowing exactly why he was asking. "But I can't see Bea."

Iain squinted into the darkness but there was too much dust in the air and he too began to cough. Just then he heard sirens approaching and stepped back outside into the sunlight.

"About bloody time" Iain shouted before the last man was out of the fire truck. "The situation just got a hundred times worse."

"We got here as fast as we could" the Watch Manager began to argue defensively but stopped abruptly when he saw the grave look on Iain's face. "What happened?"

"One patient in need of rescuing has turned into three."

Inside, Sam got down on the floor and crawled slowly forward inch by inch. Staying still was probably the safest thing she could do for herself, but what about Bea? What about the boy? The dust had begun to settle and visibility was improving. She shone the touch into the debris below. "Bea! Are you alright?"

Bea coughed and there was a clatter as she pushed some debris away from her face. "I'm here. I don't think I'm alright though."

Bea's voice was not loud but she knew Sam heard her because now Bea could hear that she was replying. Not that she could hear what Sam was saying, her ears were ringing louder than ever. Bea didn't think she had lost consciousness but her head was throbbing, and as Bea slowly became aware of her limbs and the rest of her body she kind of wished she had. Beneath her she felt Jack move. She pushed herself off him and immediately regretted it. The pain was unimaginable and she cried out.

"Bea!"

She heard Sam that time but was more concerned by the searing pain in her side and her chest to worry about answering. She did a quick assessment of her injuries and was now awake enough to give herself a medical examination. The irony of her triaging her own injuries didn't go unnoticed.

Bea had cracked a rib or two, that was a given. It hurt every time she breathed in. Her lower left leg was trapped beneath a wooden beam but she was fairly certain she could move her toes and it didn't hurt half as much as the top half of her body. That was good. But when she dared to move her right hand down to her side she cried out again in pain. She felt something sharp and her gloved hand came away covered in blood. She rummaged in the kit bag by her head and pulled out some wadding and pressed it to her wound, trying not to panic.

Jack moved again and groaned. Bea took a deep breath. She raised her hair to look at him and winced as she did so. "Jack, can you hear me?"

Jack groaned. "Yeah" he said, feebly. "What happened?"

"The hole you fell through got a bit bigger" Bea said, trying to crack a joke. Saying anything to upset the boy wouldn't help. Again, the darkness was a godsend, she didn't need to know the extent of the destruction or how close they had both come to being crushed to death.

"Bea, talk to me" Sam called again. Her voice sounded shaken.

"We're both alive" Bea reported. "But I can't see if Jack as any new injuries."

"And you?"

Sam sounded more frightened than Bea had ever heard her. Sam seemed the type to keep a cool head at all costs, but not today, not right now.

"There's a piece of metal piercing my side" Bea said. She didn't really want to think about it. "I don't know how deep it's gone." She took a deep breath even though it hurt to steady herself. "It's bloody painful."

"The fire crew just arrived, we'll get you out. Don't move."

"I couldn't if I wanted to" Bea said, but she muttered it to herself. She couldn't shout anymore, it was too much effort, and every time she spoke or breathed or tried to move, pain shot up her side. She looked at the open medication bag just out of arm's reach. What she wouldn't give for some morphine right now.

* * *

"What?" Ethan gripped the telephone receiver so hard his knuckles turned white. His eyes were wide, trying to comprehend what the person on the other end of the line was saying. He nodded, trying to absorb the information. "I'll be right there" he said finally and slammed the phone back into its cradle.

His mind was racing as he tried to process the news he'd just been given, while trying to formulate a plan. He found Mrs Beauchamp in resus. In his haste, he didn't stop to care who else was there, all he could think of was getting out of there as quickly as possible.

"Mrs Beauchamp." He started talking the moment he burst through the door. "I need to talk to you."

"Go ahead Dr Hardy."

He hesitated, looking around resus, but only for a second. "There's been an accident, I need to head out. Dr Kinsella's been injured."

Across the room, Alicia's head snapped up. "What? What's happened?"

"All I know is that there was some kind of building collapse on the call Iain, Sam and Bea attended. They requested a doctor on sight."

"Bea's hurt? How bad is it?" Alicia abandoned the patient she was monitoring and raced towards Ethan.

Ethan shook his head. "I don't know anything more. I'll update you as soon as I get on scene and assess the situation."

Connie calmly stepped away from her patient. Ever calm in the face of a crisis, she knew she had to keep it together for her team. Once news got around to the rest of the department, people would lose focus and there were still patients here who needed their help. Dr Munroe's panicked reaction just then was case in point.

"Let me go out instead" Alicia said, looking from Connie to Ethan and back again. "I want to go."

Ethan caught Alicia as she tried to push past him out the door. "No, I'll go" he said firmly.

"Ethan, it's Bea" Alicia pleaded.

"He's right" Mrs Beauchamp said. She didn't elaborate. She didn't have to.

Alicia opened her mouth to protest, panic rising in her gut, but Connie's stern face made her stop. Alicia wanted to be there for Bea, like Bea had been there for her, but she recognised that in her current state of mind she might be more hindrance than help.

Ethan looked at Alicia's worried face and part of him wanted to stay and comfort her. But he knew what needed to be done. He took Alicia by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "I know you're worried. But until we know more don't imagine the worst. I'll take care of her, I promise."

As Ethan exited resus, Mrs Beauchamp walking beside him talking protocol, it occurred to him how pointless his instruction not to think the worst, and how reckless his promise, were. He was already thinking the worst himself. And he would try to take care of Dr Kinsella, but until he arrived on sight he had no idea what state she was in.

It took less than two minutes for Ethan to grab the equipment he needed and his high vis jacket and rushed towards the medical response car waiting for him in the ambulance bay. He opened the passenger side door and took a deep breath. The minute he got in, his mind would be on the job. There wouldn't be time for worrying and he had to try to put Alicia's concerned face out of his mind.

"Ethan!"

He raised his head to see Alicia standing on the other side of the car, breathless. "I have to go Alicia" he said.

"Please be careful. I can't be worried about you too."

Ethan offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile but didn't say anything more. He climbed in beside the paramedic assigned as his driver and they raced away from the hospital, sirens blaring.

* * *

"Look mate, there are two badly injured people down there. One of our own and a kid! They will need medical assistance as soon as possible. There must be another way into that basement and I'm going to look for it whether you like it or not."

The young fireman cowered slightly at Iain's raised voice but didn't dare contradict him. There were raised voices of a different kind coming from the outbuilding and both men turned to see what was happening.

Sam was being pulled to safety through the door in a tangle of ropes and harnesses. Iain immediately forgot his argument and sprinted over.

"I'm alright" Sam said, brushing dust from her uniform and disentangling herself from the harness.

"Thank God." Iain hugged her.

Sam returned the hug for a second but was eager to get back to work.

"Let me check you over" Iain said, but Sam shook her head adamantly.

"I'm perfectly fine Iain" she said. "I should have stayed in there and monitored the situation."

"No way. It's way too dangerous. I'm not having you plummeting through the floor too. If you want to help, you can help me find another way into the basement." Iain turned to look at the fire fighter defiantly, daring him to argue with both paramedics. Sam cottoned on and folded her arms, joining in the staring match. The young man relented, visibly wilting under the challenge, and stepped aside and out of their way.

"Good" Iain said, sure he had won. "Let's go around the back. There's got to be some stairs somewhere."

Out of sight of everyone else, Sam rested a hand on Iain's back. On the job, she knew him better than anyone, knew he was only arguing because he was scared and Sam thought she could guess pretty accurately why. "Bea was still talking" Sam said quietly. "They both were. She'll be fine. And this isn't your fault."

Iain smiled faintly, appreciating the sentiment, but he didn't believe it. "Come on. Every second counts."

* * *

"Gotcha!" Bea said triumphantly, even though it hurt to speak. She threw the splintered stick of wood aside and clasped her hand around the medication bag which she had managed to pull within reach. Above, she could hear shouting and clattering as the fire crews worked to stabilise the building.

"Keep talking Bea" Sam had said, just before she was taken outside. Bea saw the ladder they were using as a makeshift bridge and wondered how much more difficult it would be to get her and Jack to safety. A fair bit more difficult was Bea's guess. Jack's leg was clearly and severely broken in several places even before the ceiling caved in, goodness knows how much worse it could be now, not to mention his head wound. And Bea didn't even want to think about the chunk of metal sticking out of her side. The pain was manageable now, as long as she didn't move. Bea didn't want to stop to ponder that at this point diminished pain could be a bad sign.

"How are you doing Jack?" Bea asked, obeying Sam's parting order and trying to make sure her young patient did the same. Jack murmured something that Bea couldn't quite make out over the noise above but took it as a good sign. He was still conscious, if only barely. "I can give you something that should help with the pain now" Bea said, examining the vials in the kitbag and thanking her lucky stars they hadn't been smashed to pieces in the accident. She found what she was looking for and a fresh syringe and prepared the injection. She had to twist awkwardly to reach Jack's arm. Miraculously, she found a vain. "You'll feel a lot better in a few minutes" she reassured him.

She took a hopeful glance at an identical vial for herself but closed the bag. She had to stay alert, just because she was hurt too now didn't mean she didn't have a responsibility to the patient. Self-medicating wasn't the best idea anyway, Bea told herself. And being high on meds with no one to monitor you, as well as a possible concussion, because even with the helmet it was still a possibility, wasn't the way to go. Jack murmured again, and Bea strained her ear to hear him. "Mate, you'll have to speak up" she said gently, "I can't hear you over that racket."

"Am I going to die?"

The young boy sounded frightened and close to tears. Bea took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "They'll get us out any second" she said, side stepping the question and hoping he wouldn't notice. "Your Dad and your brother are waiting for you. Just hold on. Keep talking to me."

With her other hand, Bea reluctantly checked on her own injury. She couldn't see how bad it was, but she could feel that the wadded bandage she'd packed around the wound was soaked through. She discarded it quickly and grabbed another, hoping help would reach them before she ran out of bandages.

* * *

Ethan jumped out the car before the engine was switched off. He was alert and ready for action as he approached the huddle of first responders already on the scene.

Iain looked more frazzled and animated than Ethan had ever seen him. He paced, clearly agitated at not being able to get stuck in and do his job. It wasn't in his nature to sit on the side lines. It wasn't in Sam's DNA either, but she was outwardly a lot calmer, and was the first to notice Ethan. "Dr Hardy."

"I'm here" Ethan said, coming to a stop by the group. "What do we know?"

"Nothing useful" said Sam. "We still can't get down there to check on them. We've found another way in, a door and a staircase round the back, but it's locked shut the chief here won't risk prising it

open until the building's structurally safe."

The Watch Manager in charge would not be intimidated by Iain the way the junior fire fighter was. "I'm not going to apologise for that" he said. "I won't put my men, or you for that matter, in danger. We're working on making the building safe, it shouldn't be much longer."

Turning her attention back to Ethan, Sam began filling him in on what happened. Ethan listened, and a sinking feeling began to form in the pit of his stomach. When Sam started listing the injuries she knew both patients had, Ethan's heart began beating faster. The boy's head injury was what worried him the most, but very close second was Bea's abdomen wound. Who knew how deep it went, or what internal damage had been done, not to mention all the blood she must be losing.

"They're still talking" Sam concluded. "But we need to get in there ASAP."

"Ok" Ethan said, collecting his thoughts. He spoke primarily to Iain and Sam, but loud enough for the surrounding fire crew could hear him too. "I want to be first in there the minute it's safe." If Ethan had his way, he wouldn't wait that long, he'd be in there now. "I want every available person here to extract both patients as quickly as possible. I take it another ambulance is on the way?"

"Three minutes out" Iain confirmed.

"Show me this door."

"Be ready with a crow bar" the Watch Manager shouted to one of his men. "I want it open the second I give the go ahead."

* * *

Alicia sat on a bench outside the ED staring at her phone. She wanted Ethan to call. She realised he had higher priorities than keeping her in the loop, but she was going crazy not knowing how her friend was doing.

"There you are." Alicia looked up to see Lilah standing above her. She looked like Alicia felt. Restless, useless and sick with worry. "I heard about the accident. I've been trying to find you. What happened? How is she?" Lilah sat down on the bench too, bouncing her knee nervously.

"We don't know anything yet. Dr Hardy went to the accident site. We'll know more soon. I hope."

"What was Bea doing out there anyway? She didn't say anything to me about a ride a long."

"That's because she didn't know. I arranged it as a surprise." Alicia let out an anguished laugh. "Well, surprise!" She let her phone fall into her lap and put her head in her hands.

Lilah sat awkwardly. Alicia didn't know her well enough to try and comfort her, but the fact was she needed comforting too. Of the two of them, Alicia couldn't help thinking that Lilah had more of a right to be beside herself with worry, but Alicia's stomach was in knots and all she wanted was to be at Bea's side, helping to rescue her. "Why haven't we heard anything? Ethan should be there by now."

It was a rhetorical question and Lilah let it go without supplying an answer. "Do you mind if I stay here?" she asked instead, aware that she was encroaching on ED territory and therefore Alicia's space if she wanted to be alone. But Alicia shook her head.

"No. But don't you have patients?"

Lilah began biting her thumb. "Yeah, not that I'd be much used to them at the moment. You?"

Alicia took a deep breath. Right now, her job didn't matter much to her, and her own problems which felt all consuming not so long ago faded into the distance. "Same."

* * *

Bea's world grew quieter, and she didn't think it was because there was any less noise going on around her. She felt light headed and weak. She may only be a F1 but she had enough medical knowledge to know that was probably due to the blood loss. Not that it took a medical professional to come to that conclusion. All she could think was she had to stay awake to keep Jack awake. But she could no longer see if he was moving and didn't have the strength anymore to raise her arm to shake him.

It was funny the thoughts that ran through your mind when you were half delirious from pain and blood loss. Bea was trying to keep herself alert by recalling large chunks of medical textbooks she was forced to memorise as a medical student, but her mind kept wandering to different but not entirely unexpected places. Where her Dad would be when he got the call, and whether he would be sober enough to take it. Did she even want to see him? Strangely, she didn't feel guilty for that thought. Under the circumstances, Bea thought, she would cut herself some slack and feel whatever she wanted to feel. She remembered telling Alicia it was ok to feel however she wanted once, Bea was going to heed her own advice. She loved her father, but all she really wanted was for her and Jack to be in resus in the capable hands of her colleagues.

That bottle of wine with Alicia tonight wouldn't happen now, Bea thought. How about a saline drip and blood transfusion instead? She really knew how to party. Oh god, she really was losing her mind.

* * *

Ethan felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He knew it would be Alicia without having to look at the display. She was so worried when he left, he wanted to call her and give her good news, but he was still the wrong side of a concrete wall and metal door and didn't yet know whether there was any good news to give. It would only upset her more if he were to call to say that it had been twenty minutes since he arrived on sight and he hadn't yet reached Bea or the boy.

"Will this take much longer?" Iain was chomping at the bit to get on with his job.

"The hinges are rusted, it's trickier than we'd like" One of the fire crew replied. Ethan could barely hear him over the din.

"When we get in there, you two tend to Jack, I'll go to Bea." Ethan spoke to Sam and Iain and waited for their silent agreement. Ethan should assess both patients and assist the move gravely injured first, that was protocol. But this was one of their own, there was no question he'd check Bea first, and Iain and Sam understood.

There was a thud as the door finally gave way and fell outwards towards them. Ethan had barely waited for the fire crew to move it aside before he pushed his way into the dark and ran down the stairs into the dusty basement.

"Bea? Can you hear me?" He squinted into het dim light, then turned to whoever was behind him. "Can we get some more light in here please?"

From above, another floodlight was switched on and there they were, only partially covered by who knows what.

"Tread carefully" one of the fire crew warned from behind, but there was no way Ethan would not, not with Alicia's plea to be careful still ringing in his ears.

He reached the young doctor, now in need of lifesaving treatment herself instead of administering it. She was still conscious but barely and her face was pale. She needed fluids before anything else, and he reached into his bag for a saline drip. "It's Dr Hardy" Ethan said, but he didn't have any idea if she could hear him or not. "I'm here."

He hooked up the drip, slipped an oxygen mask onto her face and assessed her injuries. Bea was wearing a helmet, so it was likely her drowsiness was due to blood loss and not a head injury, and after shifting the beam trapping Bea's leg aside with the help of the fire crew, established that it wasn't too damaged. But the penetrating injury to her abdomen truly worried him. He wanted her out of there and in an operating theatre straight away.

Beside him, Sam and Iain worked on Jack, their elbow jostling his as they tried to manoeuvre in close proximity. But the paramedics kept glancing over at Bea. Eventually Sam couldn't take it anymore.

"How's she doing Ethan?" She asked. Her voice wavered. She was rattled.

"I'm not happy. We need to get them both out of here as soon as possible but I need to make sure Bea's stable first."

"We'll get a splint on Jack's leg and extract him first" Iain said. "I'm worried about this head injury."

Ethan nodded. The boy was awake now and groaning which was a good sign but Bea was slipping further under. He squeezed the saline bag to force the fluids into her faster and packed more bandages around her wound. "We'll get you out of here soon Bea" he said, hoping he sounded confident.

Bea's eyelids fluttered and she slowly reached up to pull the mask away from her mouth. "Ethan?"

"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling. Wait, don't tell me, like a building fell on you right?" Ethan was doing his best to stay positive but his voice waivered noticeably.

Bea groaned. "Don't make me laugh" she said wearily. "It's hurts too much."

Ethan was relieved she was awake enough to tell him off for his poorly timed joke. He glanced across at the open medicine bag. "Have you given yourself any medication?"

Bea shook her head. "No, I had to stay alert for Jack. How is he?" She tried to twist her body to peer around Ethan to take a look, but he gently placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her still. Ethan cut away the sleeve of Bea's jacket and drew up a syringe, plunging it into a vein in her arm. "You should feel a lot better any second."

"Jack's doing ok" Iain called over. "We're going to get him out first then come back for you. Do you think you can stand to be alone with Dr Hardy for five minutes?"

Bea lay back down, defeated. "I'll try my best." She was silent for a minute while Ethan took her vitals, but eventually she spoke. The joke was over. "How bad is it?" she asked. She sounded scared.

Ethan leant over so Bea could see his face without moving. His gentle eyes were full of understanding and concern. "Your heartrate is good, your breathing sound normal. You're doing ok, considering."

"My side…"

"It's still bleeding. We'll have to move you gently to make sure the metal shard doesn't go in further and cause more damage. In all likelihood they'll wait until you're in theatre to remove it."

Bea listened, absorbing what Dr Hardy was saying, but in her delirious state it was taking longer than normal for her brain to catch up. She could feel the drugs taking affect now and felt she was drifting away from the scene she was living. She was aware of activity around her, of machinery and men trying to dig them out, but Bea felt as though all that was happening a mile away. She breathed in deeply. It hurt less now. She wouldn't give in to the overwhelming and sudden desire to sleep, she would stay awake and keep fighting.

"Ok, let's go" Iain said. Jack was free, in a splint and on a backboard now, and Iain, Sam and several firemen lifted him up on the count of three.

"We'll be right back for you Dr Kinsella" Sam called on the way out the room. "Hold on."

Bea believed her, and she trusted Ethan to get her out not exactly in one piece, but no less broken than she already was. All she had to do was listen to Sam's parting words. Hold on.

* * *

 _Sorry guys, you'll just have to hold on too! I didn't intend to draw the rescue on this long but I got carried away and liked everything I wrote and didn't want to cut it down. This story is supposed to be all about Alicia and Bea but I actually had quite a bit of fun writing Iain and Sam too! I hope I'll be able to bring you the next chapter soon. Thanks for reading._


	5. Chapter 5

_I don't know about you all but I have not recovered from yesterday! What an episode, what a performance from Chelsea._

 _There are many things in my story from now on that won't fit with events in the show but I hope you will enjoy my alternate timeline. I never intended this story to be about Eddie really, I probably won't go into details about what happened. It's about Alicia and Bea. Anyway, here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it and I'd love your feedback if you do (or don't)._

 **Chapter 5**

"Duffy, do you need help with anything?"

Duffy put down the papers she was holding and looked up at an anxious Alicia. "No, everything out here is under control."

"I'm going a little crazy waiting for news."

Duffy smiled sympathetically at the young doctor. "Sam and Iain just brought in the boy from the accident. They say Bea was awake and talking when they left."

Duffy didn't go as far as to say she thought Bea would be ok, she knew better than that. She knew how quickly things could change with trauma patients, how they could seem fine one second and be critical the next. Alicia knew that too and no doubt understood the things Duffy was being careful not to say.

"Have you called Bea's father yet?" Alicia asked. "I'm assuming he's her next of kin."

"Not yet. I thought we should wait until Bea gets here and we know more. I understand the family situation is a bit difficult. You and Bea seem pretty close, what do you think?"

Alicia thought for a moment. "Yeah, I think that's the best plan." Duffy smiled and nodded her agreement. Alicia realised that she had never really spoken to Bea about her father. When Bea moved in Alicia had been so absorbed in her problems with Eddie, she hadn't stopped to think. Her mind jumped to Ethan and she realised that how she had treated Bea was no different to how Ethan had treated her. Alicia turned to walk away from the senior nurse but stopped. "Do you, er, know what happened? No one's told me much."

"No" Duffy said, spotting Sam and Iain "but they will know."

Alicia followed Duffy's gaze to the paramedics walking back out of resus with an empty gurney. Alicia jogged to catch up with them. Outside Iain caught sight of her as he passed some kit up to Sam in the back of the ambulance. "Hey Alicia" he said. He stopped what he was doing and stood quietly in front of the doctor, waiting for the questions.

"Can you tell me what happened out there please?" Alicia said. "Duffy said Bea was awake when you left but that's all I know."

Sam climbed down from the rig and closed the doors behind her. Both paramedics stood side by side but it was Iain who took the lead. "The boy we just brought in, Jack, fell through the floor of an abandoned building and Dr Kinsella went down to help him. No one realised until too late just how unstable the building was and the floor collapsed further on top of them."

Alicia nodded slowly. "I feel guilty, I'm the one who organised this stupid ride-a-long, it was supposed to be a good thing. Bea wants that trauma placement so badly."

Iain shook his head. "I'm the one who was banging on before we left about Bea observing only, I shouldn't have let her go down there and put herself in danger."

"No" Alicia said. "She's stubborn, she wouldn't let anyone stop her from helping a kid in danger, I know her. It's my fault."

Sam shook her head. She put one hand on Iain's shoulder and her other on Alicia's. "Both of you stop it" she said. "It's no one's fault. It's, I don't know…" she looked around while she searched for the words. "It's physics. Gravity. Bea's in good hands, the fire crew will get her out and Ethan and Jan and Ruby will get her here. She wanted to help the child, no one was going to stop her doing that, you're right about that."

For once Alicia wished her friend wasn't so kind and eager to do good. "What are her injuries exactly?" Alicia asked, trying to stay focused. If she let her thoughts run away she wouldn't be able to keep it together. She needed to keep it together.

Sam hesitated. "Let's just wait until they get here ok?"

From a distance, they heard sirens and all turned I the direction of the road. Across the concrete a little way, Lilah stood up from the bench Alicia had left her on when she went inside. The midwife was alert, and looked in the direction of the sirens too. From behind, the electronic doors to the ED slid open and both Mrs Beauchamp and Dr Keogh walked into the sunlight.

"This is them" Dylan said, snapping on some gloves. "Dr Hardy called ahead."

Alicia looked back in the direction of the sirens which were growing louder and louder. She folded her arms and tried to stay calm but her heart was pounding in her chest.

* * *

"Stay with me Bea, we're almost there."

The last thing Bea remembered was a lot of noise and a lot of dust, and darkness, but now her vision had returned and she saw fluorescent lights and heard a distant voice calling her name. She squinted against the brightness and became aware of the motion of the ambulance and Ethan's gloved hand holding her own. She couldn't move.

The world came into focus, and she saw Ethan's face hovering above her with his brow knitted together in concern. She tried to speak but her head was too groggy to form words, all that came out was a groan muffled by the oxygen mask over her mouth.

"Just relax love." Jan was sitting just behind Ethan and spoke in a soothing voice full of the assurance that comes from experience that everything will be ok. If she didn't feel that way inside, she masked it well.

"You're back with us" Ethan said. He squeezed Bea's hand tighter, willing her to stay awake.

"We're almost here" Ruby called from the driver's seat. Thirty seconds later the ambulance came to a stop. The engine hadn't even been switched off before the backdoors were thrown open and the noise was just as loud as when the fire crews were working to free Bea.

"We've got you Dr Kinsella." Connie took charge. Her commanding voice cut through all the other noise and Bea understood she was at the hospital and in the hands of her colleagues.

"Ethan." When Ethan jumped out of the ambulance, Alicia was there. "Ethan, how is she?"

All Ethan wanted was to get to resus and help Dr Kinsella. He had started her treatment, he had to see it through. As the paramedics and other doctors vanished into the ED Ethan wanted to rush after them, but seeing Alicia looking so worried and helpless made him hesitate.

"She's awake Alicia. The bleeding stopped, but she's still in a bad way. We'll know more soon. I'll let you know, I promise. I have to go in and help." Then he was gone.

Alicia stood frozen to the spot, watching him go. Lilah jogged over and grabbed her sleeve.

"Alicia. Come on."

Alicia blinked and allowed Lilah to lead her into the hospital and towards resus.

"How is she? Bea? Can I see her?" Lilah spoke in a torrent of questions as she burst through the resus doors, panic and fear in her voice. Alicia stood beside her, still and quiet.

Dylan looked up. "Who are you?" he asked, but then shook his head dismissively. It wasn't important, he needed to focus on the patient. "Let us work." He turned to Louise who was standing over his shoulder. "Scissors please. Let's cut these dressings away and see what we're dealing with."

Lilah took a step into the room. "I'm her girlfriend" she said. "I want to know how she is."

Ethan stepped away from the table where Bea lay then and approached Alicia and Lilah. "Go to the relative's room" he said quietly. "When we know more I'll come an find you, I promise. Please let us take care of Bea."

In the relative's room, Alicia fell onto the sofa, exhausted. Lilah paced, biting her fingers and breathing sharply. Alicia wanted to tell her to calm down, to sit down, to stop pacing, but instead she hugged a cushion to her chest for comfort and tried to block Lilah's agitation out in case it overwhelmed her too.

Outside the closed door, they heard a commotion. Duffy's voice urging someone to take a breath, then hurried footsteps and a frantic voice.

"I want to see my daughter. I want to be with my little girl."

Alicia slowly got to her feet and went to the door, opening it a crack. She saw Bea's father, he was hysterical. He tugged at his unruly hair in frustration while Duffy stood there helpless. The nurse caught Alicia's eye.

"Mr Kinsella?" Alicia said when she reached them. "Do you remember me?"

The man stopped and focused on Alicia through his tears. He nodded. "You're her roommate aren't you?"

"That's right." Alicia put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't flinch.

"They won't tell me anything, only that the surgeon's working on her. She needs surgery?" he said in disbelief. "She's supposed to be the one giving other people medical attention, not… What exactly happened out there?"

Alicia gulped. She'd love to know that too. All the fight seemed to go out of Mr Kinsella then and his shoulders slumped forward. "I'll take it from here Duffy" Alicia said, then turned her attention back to the distraught father of her friend. Alicia was glad to have someone else to focus on so she wouldn't dwell on her own fears. "Come and wait in here with us" Alicia said, guiding Mr Kinsella back towards the relative's room. "We'll wait for news together."

* * *

Bea's father was with her at her bedside when Alicia approached her recovery room. She waited, she didn't want to intrude, however desperate she was to talk to Bea and see for herself that she was ok. After a while, Mr Kinsella rose from the chair beside Bea's bed, picked up his jacket and kissed his daughter on the forehead.

Alicia kept her distance and watched him walk towards the lifts to leave. When he had gone, Alicia knocked gently on the door. Bea smiled at her through the window in the door and she slowly walked in. "Hey" Alicia said, the relief at seeing her friend awake was evident in her voice. "How are you feeling?"

Bea exhaled slowly, a small smile on her lips. "Like I've just had major surgery, actually."

"Sorry" Alicia said. "Stupid question. May I?" Alicia indicated the empty chair and Bea nodded. Alicia sat down. "I saw your Dad leave. Duffy asked me before if I thought we should call him. I said we should, I'm sorry if…"

"No no, you did the right thing. He seems ok considering. He's sober."

"That's good."

"He wanted to stay the night but I told him to go home. I'd never get any sleep with him here." Only then did Bea seem to realise what the time was. "It's so late, your shift must have ended hours ago."

"It did. But I couldn't go home without seeing how you were. Lilah wanted to stay too but she had an early shift, she told me to tell you she'd be back to see you first thing in the morning." Alicia took Bea's hand. It was cold and clammy and her grip was weak. "I'm sorry, I feel responsible, if I hadn't arranged for you to go out with Sam and Iain then none of this would have happened."

"Alicia, don't be silly. I'm the one who chose to go down there. You have no reason to feel guilty. I'm ok now, I promise." Bea shifted her weight to try and get comfortable and grimaced slightly as she did so, betraying her assurance.

Alicia noticed and sat up. "Are you in pain? Shall I get the nurse?"

Bea shook her head. "No, it's nothing."

Alicia didn't believe her but didn't insist. "I was so worried about you. When I heard there had been an accident, I thought…" Alicia didn't finish that sentence. She couldn't bring herself to.

"Hey, what was it you wanted to tell me this morning?"

Alicia looked up at Bea, surprised. She shook her head. "It's not important, not now. I should leave you to get some rest."

Alicia started to stand up but Bea reached out and touched her arm, stopping her. "Alicia, come on. Please? I want to know."

After going through what Bea had been through today, Alicia was touched that she still cared. Bea could have died, Alicia's problems seemed so insignificant compared to that but Bea was still there for her just as much as before. She looked at Bea, who was waiting patiently, concern etched on her pale face.

"I went to see the counsellor this morning. God, it seems like a lifetime ago." Alicia swallowed. "I decided something. About Eddie. About the trial."

With effort, Bea sat up straighter, listening intently. In her eyes Alicia could see how much Bea cared, even now. Bea had enough to worry about, Alicia thought, but Bea had insisted and Alicia couldn't refuse her.

"If this other girl decides she wants to testify… You know, if this thing actually gets to trial, I don't want the first time I confront Eddie to be in a courtroom in front of dozens of strangers. I want to see him before that. I want to meet him face to face and look him in the eye and make him realise what he did. I want to make him understand." Alicia's throat was tight and tears of fury gathered in her eyes as she spoke. She covered her face with her hands and took a deep breath. "You don't need to hear this, it could have waited."

"No" Bea said. "It is important." She paused. "I want to give you a hug right now, but I can't really move. You're going to have to come to me."

Alicia let out a small laugh, wiping the sleeve of her shirt across her face. She stood up and embraced Bea, careful not to hurt her or knock her IV line or disrupt any of the monitors. Alicia wanted to hug Bea too, but for different reasons. She was just so happy and relieved that Bea was here and she was alive. "You're an amazing friend Bea, I'm so lucky. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Bea didn't know what to say. She might start crying too if she opened her mouth. Instead she wrapped her arms around Alicia and hugged her back as well as she was able.

"You should get some rest now" Alicia said finally. "I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

Early the next morning Lilah was at Bea's bedside as soon as rounds were over. Bea greeted her with a sleepy kiss.

"My shift starts in twenty minutes" Lilah said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "But I had to come in early and see you. How are you this morning? What did the surgeon say?"

"I'm feeling better now you're here" Bea said with a shy smile. "I'm not out of the woods yet, they want to keep me in for a few days. They need to run more tests to check my liver function. That bastard piece of corrugated iron really did some damage."

"Don't remind me." Despite Bea's jokey tone, Lilah wasn't smiling. She took in a deep breath and looked away.

Bea noticed and immediately felt bad. Bea's instinct was to crack jokes to try and lighten the mood. It helped her, but she forgot sometimes that not everyone uses humour as a coping mechanism. People care about her, were worried about her and rightly so, she needed to let them be worried and get through it in their own way. "I'm sorry."

Lilah turned back to Bea and stroked her hair gently. "No, I'm sorry. Listen, yesterday when you came in I was frantic with worry. Dr Keogh asked who I was and I blurted out I was your girlfriend without really thinking. I know we haven't talked about it, about what exactly this thing is between us, and I don't even know how many of you colleagues even know you're gay, it just slipped out."

Bea touched Lilah's cheek and turned her face towards her. "It's ok. Really. I'm out at work, don't worry. It's not like I've been trying to hide you."

"But it doesn't have to mean anything, I just got carried away."

"Even if I want it to?" Bea stopped, waiting for Lilah to catch up to what she was saying. When Bea was met only with confusion, she giggled. "I really like you Lilah. I want what you said to mean something."

A smile spread across Lilah's face and her eyes came alight. "Yeah?"

Bea grinned back. "Yeah. My Dad really likes you too, he told me."

"I'm sorry about that too."

Bea laughed. "Will you stop apologising? It's not exactly the way I usually introduce girls to my father, but I'm happy you've met. Now get out of here, will you? Go and deliver some babies."

* * *

When Ethan arrived at Bea's room mid-morning the door was slightly ajar. He saw she had her eyes closed and tried to creep away, but Bea sensed movement and turned her head. "Hello Dr Hardy."

Ethan stopped. "I'm sorry, you were sleeping, I'll come back later." He held his hands up apologetically.

"I wasn't" Bea said. "I was just resting a minute but you can come in, it's fine."

Ethan obeyed and closed the door behind him. "I hear your surgery went well" he said. He always found it easier to talk about the job than anything personal. Focusing on the medical facts of Bea's condition he could do without feeling like he wanted to run away.

"So they tell me. I reckon I'll be in here for a while yet though."

Ethan nodded. "I'm so glad you're doing better. It was touch and go for a minute there."

"How's Jack?"

"He's doing well. I'll get someone to pop in later and tell you more, I don't really know the details."

Bea tried to sit up and Ethan rushed to her side to help. He propped a pillow behind her head and sat down on the plastic chair bedside the bed. "Ethan, thanks so much for all you did for me yesterday" Bea said. "If it wasn't for you, things could have been so much worse."

"I didn't do much really."

"You were there. You talked to me, you kept my calm. Thank you."

Ethan smiled, shyly. "You're welcome, Bea."

Bea paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to say aloud what was playing on her mind. Alicia may not thank her for it, but she felt sure it was ultimately the right thing to do. If her hunch was right and she'd be stuck in this hospital bed for a while longer, she knew she wouldn't be able to be there for Alicia as much as she'd like to be and someone needed to take her place.

"Listen, this may be overstepping, it's probably not my business to say but I'm just going to be blunt. It's a side effect from having a near-death experience I guess, not wanting to waste time not saying the important stuff. While I'm stuck in here Alicia is going to need someone to be there for her."

Ethan looked away, shaking his head. "I don't think she'll want that person to be me, she pretty much told me so."

"I'm not so sure about that. She's hurting, but I know she misses you."

"She's made it clear she's not ready to tell me what's bothering her." There was pain in Ethan's voice. He wanted more than anything for Bea's words to be true, but the way he had acted recently, brushing Alicia aside and piling his own problems onto her instead of realising that she was trying to share her own. If he was in her shoes he wouldn't want anything to do with him either. He had been self-centred and selfish and felt he didn't deserve a second chance.

"She will be, I promise. When she is, make sure you're ready to listen. I think it will be hard for her but be patient. Please."

"I still care about her a lot. We've been through so much, said a lot of angry words to each other, but the feelings are still there. I want her to be ok."

"She'll get there. If she has support. From both of us."

* * *

With Bea's words still ringing in his ears, Ethan took a chance that night and knocked on Alicia's front door. All day he'd been thinking about what Bea said and decided to swallow his pride and trust her. If Alicia slammed the door in his face so be it. But if there was even the slightest chance he could help ease Alicia's pain, he had to try.

His mind flashed back to the last time he had set foot in this house, and the horrible way he had acted. He had been hurt when he found the post-it note from Eddie, but he should have let Alicia explain, instead he thought only of his own feelings and fled. Today at work he'd spent every spare second trying to piece together all he knew, about how Alicia had behaved, about Eddie's sudden suspension and a sickening realisation had come to him. He hoped to God he was wrong.

Alicia answered the door looking dead on her feet. It had been a tough couple of days for all of them, but she looked ten times worse than Ethan did. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. From what Bea had inferred and his own conclusions he had drawn, Ethan didn't think that was far off the mark.

"Ethan." Alicia looked at him from under sleepy eyelids with surprise.

"Can I come in?"

Alicia didn't look as though she had the energy to object. "If you like."

Ethan stepped over the threshold and closed the door. He followed Alicia into the living room. He didn't ask how she was, he could see the answer plain as day. Instead, he launched straight into his apology and prayed it would be enough to show Alicia she could trust him again.

"I'm sorry" he said laying his heart open for Alicia to take hold of or stamp on, whichever she chose. "I love you and I'm sorry. For everything."

Alicia regarded him and took a breath. "You've been talking to Bea." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"Yes" Ethan said, "but she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She just made me realise how stupid and selfish I've been and I want to put it right. I need you to believe me."

Alicia turned away, burying her face in the sleeve of her hoodie. "I can't do this now" she said. "With everything going on I can't be concerned about your feelings too. It sounds awful, but it's the truth."

"No, you misunderstand me." Ethan reached out and grabbed Alicia's wrist without thinking. When he realised what he had done he let go abruptly and stepped back. "I'm sorry." He let his arms fall to his side. "I was an idiot before, a blind and stupid idiot. You tried to tell me something that night, about Eddie, and I wouldn't listen. But I'm here now. I'm listening now."

Alicia looked at Ethan's kind eyes and open expression and recognised the man she had fallen in love with. She remembered why he was the one all those months ago that she wanted to confide in. If almost losing Bea yesterday had taught Alicia anything, it was that time could run out for anyone at any moment. Alicia stood there in her living room opposite this man who she had so much history with and she realised that none of the bullshit mattered. She thought about how she would feel if she never got the chance to put things right with Ethan and she felt sick. But she was terrified.

With tears in her eyes, she took a step towards him. "I'm scared. Don't tell me you'll be here for me unless you really mean it. I can't play games Ethan, I don't have the strength."

Ethan closed the gap between them and took both of Alicia's hands in his. "I'm here" he said again. "Alicia, I'm here. Are you ready to let me in?"

Alicia nodded. It was a small nod, but it was there. She led Ethan to the sofa and sat down. She took a deep breath and began.


	6. Chapter 6

_How ironic that I chose to give Bea a liver injury after what happened to Sam last night. I thought last week was distressing enough. What is this show doing to me?_

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Feedback always welcome. Happy reading!_

 **Chapter 6**

Bea awoke to the smell of coffee and Alicia by her bedside. "Hey, give me a sip of that."

Alicia's eyes drifted to the sign hanging above the bed. "You're still nil by mouth aren't you?"

Bea groaned. "Yes."

Alicia smirked. "Nice try. But it won't be much longer."

"Twelve hours" Bea replied. "I want a cheeseburger and a diet coke and all the chocolate I can get my hands on."

Alicia sat down on the edge of the bed. "I can probably arrange that. Apart from caffeine withdrawal, how are you doing?"

Bea sat up slowly. She wasn't feeling great physically but Alicia didn't need to know that. Mostly she was just bored. "I've been in this bed for less than two days and it feels like two weeks. I'm going crazy."

"I brought you some things from home. Your comfy hoodie and the book you were reading from your bedside table." She lifted a tote bag onto the bed. "There are a few other bits in there too."

"Thank you. That should stave off boredom for a while. But I just want to get out of here and get back to work."

"Steady on" Alicia said. She leant over and took hold of Bea by both shoulders. "Let's make sure you're better first yeah? You were seriously injured. One step at a time."

Bea sighed and smiled at Alicia gratefully. "It's true doctors make the worst patients, isn't it? I'm being a whiny nightmare."

Alicia shook her head. "Never."

Bea smiled. "You seem happier this morning."

Alicia thought about trying to deny it but she knew she wouldn't be able to, Bea knew her too well. "Ethan came to see me at home last night. I told him everything."

"Wow."

"I don't know what you said to him, but thank you."

Bea shook her head. She didn't do anything, not really. Ethan would have got there on his own eventually, Bea just gave him a bit of a nudge. Bea was more concerned now about how Alicia felt about telling him what she'd been through. It was true Alicia seemed happy, but appearances could be deceiving.

"I thought you'd be mad. I told him you needed support, but I didn't say why. I'm glad he stepped up. So what now?"

Alicia shrugged. "It's complicated. I don't know if I ever told you this, but the night after… Well, you know." Alicia gulped. "Ethan came round to mine. He told me he was still in love with me. I was going to tell him there and then about what happened with Eddie, but then he found a note Eddie had left and bolted out the door."

"He didn't give you a chance to explain?" Bea sat up, indignant, but Alicia lay a hand on her arm to placate her.

"No, but it's not entirely his fault. I hurt him."

Bea wanted to say that Alicia wasn't responsible for Ethan's actions but she kept her mouth shut. Instead she asked "Do you still love him?"

"I don't know. I don't have room in my head to try and work out what I feel for Ethan, not on top of everything else. But I am glad I opened up to him. I just don't know what it means yet." Alicia wiped her hair from her face. "Anyway, I have to get ready for my shift. Look after yourself, I'll be back later with some grub."

"Alicia." In the doorway, Alicia turned around when Bea called her name. "I'll be here if you want to talk. Right here. In this bed. For eternity."

Alicia smiled. She knew.

* * *

"Good morning. I brought you a coffee." Ethan appeared next to Alicia at the desk as she was looking for her first patient of the day.

Alicia turned around and smiled at Ethan, but held up her existing coffee cup guiltily.

Ethan smiled back and nodded laughing. "I should have known, you never can start your day without a coffee first." Ethan seemed to shock himself with such a bold statement of familiarity. A day ago they hadn't spoken properly in months and he had been wondering if they would ever be friends again. But then again, he was bold last night and that had been the right decision.

"I'm sorry" Alicia said. "I better not have another just yet. Thanks though."

"Have you been to see Bea this morning? How is she?"

"Yeah. She's restless. I'm a bit worried she's going to try to do too much too soon and do even more damage. I need to keep an eye on her."

"What are you doing tonight? I thought maybe… dinner."

Alicia sighed. "Ethan… Last night was… It was good. I'm glad we're talking again, but I can't, not yet, I don't want to…" Alicia couldn't get a full sentence out, she couldn't even form the necessary sentence in her head. She felt as though a burden was lifted last night when she finally opened up to Ethan. But now was not the time to get back into anything with him, she had to focus on herself.

"Alicia, it's just dinner. It doesn't mean anything more than I'm glad we started talking last night and I want to make sure it continues. Come on. I make a mean lasagne."

"I remember." It was all so confusing, but Alicia admitted that she enjoyed talking to Ethan again too. Although perhaps enjoyed was the wrong word given the subject matter that was the topic of their conversation yesterday and all the tears that accompanied it. "Can I think about it?" she asked. She didn't want to string him along any more than she wanted to flat out reject him. If the aftermath of this whole ordeal had taught Alicia anything it was that honesty really was the best policy.

"Of course. No pressure. Truly."

* * *

"Mr Carmichael's x-rays are back."

"Thanks David" Alicia said, taking the x-ray from him and holding it up to the light. "It looks like he's fractured his collarbone." Alicia felt her phone buzz in her pocket. "I'll be through to see him in a minute" she said to her nurse, and took out her phone and looked at the screen.

The missed call made her freeze. She stared at the screen so long, a message followed. It was from PC Black and all it said was _Call me. Urgent update._

It can't be good news, Alicia thought. If it was the police officer wouldn't have used the word urgent. She stuffed her phone back into the pocket of her scrubs and went through to her patient in cubicles, her mind racing.

She put off calling back. But after half an hour she couldn't stand it any longer. Sometimes not knowing was worse than the actual news, but as she pressed the screen to return the call she wondered whether that was true.

"Are you sitting down?" PC Black said when she picked up the call.

Alicia nodded. But realising the woman on the other end of the call couldn't see her, she said "yes" although it wasn't true. She was standing in a secluded corridor, leaning against a wall.

"I'm sorry to tell you that the other witness has declined to make a further statement. I'm very sorry Dr Munroe, but this isn't the end. We'll still pursue the case, it just might be a little more difficult, that's all."

Alicia made a noise to show she had heard, but words failed her. The police constable waited a beat to see if Alicia would speak before she continued.

"Call me any time if you need anything."

"Ok" Alicia said, but she had no intention of doing so. There was only one person she wanted to talk to. She said a hasty goodbye and made for the stairs up to the wards.

She knocked on Bea's door two minutes later, tears pricking her eyes. She hated this, she hated that the moment she felt like she had a handle on the situation and had her emotions under control one setback like this made her feel defeated.

Alicia opened the door to Bea's room carefully when there as no answer in case she was sleeping, but she took one look at her friend sitting up on bed and hurried in. Bea wasn't sleeping, but her determined, sarcastic mood from earlier that morning was long gone. She had been crying, her eyes were swollen and her face was red. Alicia pushed all thoughts of her own problems away.

"Bea, what's happened?"

Bea wiped her eyes with the heels of her palms. "My test results show I've picked up an infection. I wasn't feeling well but I didn't think…"

Alicia stood by Bea's bed and stroked her hair. "Darling, why didn't you tell me you were feeling crap this morning?"

Bea sniffed. "I was trying to pretend I was fine. I just want to go home but now I'm going to be stuck here even longer. On top of that Ms Broadhurst told me the course placement has gone to someone else. Now I've got a bloody infection on top of broken ribs and a hole in my liver as well as losing the best career opportunity I've had." Bea put her face in her hands. She hated anyone seeing her vulnerable, but of all the people in her life she was glad that it was Alicia and not one of the other steady stream of well-wishers that had chosen now for a visit.

"Budge up" Alicia said, a sad smile on her face has she looked down at her friend. She squeezed onto the bed beside Bea and put her arm around her. "It sucks."

"It really really sucks." Bea raised her voice then let out a small whimper. She paid her head on Alicia's shoulder.

"There will be other courses" Alicia said. "I'll do what I can to find you something, I promise." Alicia still felt guilty about her role in the accident. She was trying to help Bea further her career instead her good deed was the catalyst for this set back. But that wasn't half as important to Alicia right now than Bea's health. "But that's not important now. What's important is that you get better. The house is too quiet without you."

Bea didn't respond. She didn't have the will to appear optimistic right now. She didn't know whether it was her illness that was making her so weepy and depressed, but she didn't feel like trying to hide it. It was taking all Bea's energy just to sit up and talk.

Alicia rubbed Bea's shoulder. Her skin was cold to the touch. "You should have said something" Alicia said again. "Let me be here for you, like you've been here for me."

"I'll be alright" Bea said. Her eyes drifted closed. She was so tired. "I just need to rest and let the antibiotics work their magic."

"I'm relieved to hear you say that. No more talk of rushing back to work ok?"

Bea nodded. "Did you need me for something?"

Alicia shook her head. "No, what makes you say that?"

"Just a feeling."

Alicia hugged her friend. "I just came for a visit, that's all. It's a good job I did too."

Bea didn't argue with that. She was feeling crap and sorry for herself. All she needed was a hug.

Alicia stayed until Bea fell asleep. She slowly got off the bed as quietly and as gently as she could. She couldn't bring up her own bad news with Bea, not now. But when she walked back into the ED and saw Ethan she realised she didn't want to talk to him either. She didn't know what she wanted from him and didn't want to figure it out now. Alicia took a deep breath before she dived back into the ED chaos. The distraction would be welcome. Alicia hoped she would be too busy think about her problems until the shift was over and she could call her councillor.

* * *

"Alicia!" Ethan jogged to catch up with her as she walked to her car at the end of their shift. "Hey, slow down. Have you thought any more about dinner?"

"Oh Ethan, I'm sorry. I forgot. Another time, yeah?" Alicia's car beeped as the unlocked the doors. She smiled apologetically at Ethan. She really was sorry, especially when she caught the brief moment of hurt that crossed his face. But he recovered his senses quickly and smiled back at her.

"Not to worry. I'll see you tomorrow." He turned to head to his own car but Alicia called him back.

"Ethan, it's not you. It was a lovely offer, honestly, but I've had a terrible day, I need to be by myself." The next thing she needed to say she didn't say lightly, but it was necessary. Ethan was too special for her not to be honest with him. "Look, I do have feelings for you, but right now all I can offer you is friendship. Nothing more. And it's not fair for me to string you along."

Ethan walked back towards her and took her hand that wasn't holding her car keys. He gave it a squeeze then lifted it to his mouth for a kiss. It took him a while to speak, he wanted to chose his words carefully. This woman in front of him meant the world to him and he didn't want to do anything or say anything to upset her ever again. "Then my friendship is what you have."

He hugged her then, and Alicia felt secure. Ethan smiled when they pulled apart and wished her a good evening. As she watched him walk away Alicia felt like crying. This day had been too much. All she wanted to do was lock herself in a dark room and be by herself. But she knew she needed to talk.

* * *

Bea had been staring at the same paragraph of her novel for five minutes when Lilah appeared at the door. Bea brightened at the sight of her girlfriend and tossed her book aside.

"Hey baby" Lilah said. "I'm sorry it took all day for me to come to see you, it's been a crazy day on maternity. Do you need anything before I head home to crash?"

"Just a hug." Lilah dropped her bag on the floor and obeyed. Bea was down and she wanted to make things better.

"I have an infection" Bea continued.

Lila kissed Bea on the forehead and wiped her eyes with her thumbs. "I'm so sorry. But they caught it early, right? They'll start treatment and you'll be fine?" Bea nodded. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I need some things from home. I'm sorry, you look wiped. It can wait if you want to just go home and sleep. I thought Alicia would pop up at the end of her shift, I would have asked her but she never came back."

"Of course I'll do that" Lilah said. "I'll go now. Text me a list."

"Hey. I hate to ask this but…" Bea stopped. It wasn't a fair ask, and Lilah and Alicia might both resent her for it, but she had a nagging feeling in her gut that something was wrong and Alicia wasn't answering her messages.

"Anything" Lilah said and Bea felt even more guilty.

"If Alicia is home please can you check on her? I'm worried about her."

"I'm sure she's fine" Lilah said. Not because she believed it necessarily, but because she hated seeing Bea so anxious. "But if she's home, I'll check she's alright."

Not much time later, Lilah peered through the letter box of Alicia and Bea's house. She had Bea's front door key in her hand but felt uneasy about letting herself in especially when she could see Alicia's jacket and handbag hanging on the end of the stairs. She knocked for the third time, called Alicia's name again and listened for any signs of life.

It wasn't that dark yet, perhaps Alicia had gone out for a run. Or perhaps she was sleeping, or in the bath. In the end Lilah went inside.

"Alicia, are you home? I've come to get some things for Bea, I hope you don't mind." She popped her head round the door into the living room and found it empty. The kitchen was empty too, but the fridge door was open. Lilah closed it, frowning. "Alicia?"

She found Alicia sitting on Bea's bed, a bottle of vodka in her hand. Lilah was startled to find her there and for a moment didn't know what to do. "What are you doing in here?" she asked, like she had any right to ask that at all. It wasn't her room and it wasn't her house, but it was strange and something wasn't right. Bea's instincts had been correct. As always.

Alicia mumbled something but it was unintelligible. She started to unscrew the cap on the bottle and Lila watched her, dismayed. The doctor was wasted and swayed where she sat. Lilah went towards her and took the bottle from her. Alicia didn't put up much of a fight. "Lilah?" Alicia finally focused and realised who had come into the room. "How did you get in?"

"I have Bea's key" she said. "I came to get some of her stuff. I knocked." Again she asked "what are you doing in Bea's room?"

Alicia ran her hands through her hair and moaned. It seemed like even forming coherent thoughts was a struggle in her current state. "I needed to lie down. I can't go in my own room, it's too difficult."

Lilah was out of her depth. She didn't know this woman all that well and she wasn't prepared for this. What was supposed to be a quick ten minute errand to do a favour for her girlfriend was turning into something far more complicated. She was aware that Alicia was going though something but she had stayed out of it. But now she couldn't leave.

"Why is that?" Lilah asked. She didn't know what else to say.

Alicia didn't hear her. "It's all gone to shit" she said, slurring her words slightly. She looked at the floor, not at Lilah. "The police don't think there's any chance of a conviction. They won't say it, but I can tell that's what they're thinking."

Lilah just stood and listened, still clutching the vodka. None of this was her business and Alicia probably wouldn't remember any of this conversation tomorrow but she honestly didn't know what else to do.

"The councillor set up a mediation anyway" Alicia said. She threw her hands up and let them flop back down onto the mattress. "For all the good it will do."

Lilah put the vodka bottle down on the nightstand. "Mediation? Alicia, what is wrong? Mediation with who?"

Alicia sighed as if it should be obvious. "Eddie! The guy who raped me." Alicia paused and looked around. "I need a cigarette, where's my handbag?"

Lilah took a deep breath and watched as Alicia searched around for her bag, completely oblivious to the fact she'd just said what she had said to a relative stranger. Now a lot things began falling into place.

"Your bag's downstairs" Lilah said. Alicia tried to stand up but fell back onto the bed.

"I need to get it. Where's my drink?"

"No more drink" Lilah said. Now wasn't the time to respect social boundaries. Bea should be here to deal with this, but she wasn't, and Lilah wasn't going to bother her with it now. "Come on."

Lilah slung one of Alicia's arms around her neck and looped her own arm around Alicia's waist. With difficulty, she helped her to stand up and manhandled her into the bathroom. She sat her down on the lid of the toilet seat and filled the water glass. "Here. Drink this. It's water, not vodka."

Alicia took it obediently. "I'm sorry" she said. "You don't have to… It's not your problem."

"You're Bea's friend" she said simply. Her tone was blunt but not without sympathy. "That makes it my problem."

"She's bloody brilliant" Alicia said and took a gulp of water. "Bea I mean. You're lucky, you know that?"

Lilah nodded. She knew how brilliant Bea was, she didn't need to be told. Seeing how troubled Alicia was gave Lilah a new understanding of the depths of Bea's compassion and the size of her heart.

"I wish she was here" Alicia mumbled. "I need her."

Lilah watched Alicia and heard her drunken words and thought she heard the subtext behind them. Reasoning that Alicia was too drunk to likely remember any of this, she made a split second decision and voiced a fear that she couldn't take back, even if she herself was the only one who would likely remember. She wasn't usually like this, she wasn't the jealous type. The fact she was acting so out of character now was a testament to how much she liked Bea. Now she was the to avoid eye contact as she looked down at the tiled floor instead of at Alicia. "Is something going on between you and Bea?"

Alicia looked up and Lilah in shock. She shook her head emphatically. "No. We're just friends. I'm not… No. No."

Lilah looked at herself in the mirror, regretting asking the question almost immediately. What was she thinking? She trusted Bea, and could see for herself how much Alicia needed her support and now she knew why. "I'm sorry" she said to Alicia's reflection. "That was a stupid question. Here, take this." Lilah handed Alicia a handful of tissues to wipe her face with.

"I'm such a mess" Alicia said, half to Lilah and half to herself. "I really want a smoke."

Lilah leaned on the basin for a second. "I'll get your bag" she said. She took a last look at herself in the mirror and left the room.

* * *

Lilah intended to just leave the bag and go, but Bea was awake when she returned to the hospital and she couldn't sneak away unnoticed.

"You didn't have to bring my things tonight. You're the best" Bea said sleepily. She reached up from where she lay and pulled Lilah down for a kiss.

"I kinda am, aren't I?" Lilah joked. It made Bea smile.

"Was Alicia home?"

Lilah sighed. She wanted to forget the whole conversation with Alicia. She wished she'd necked half a bottle of vodka too and then it might be possible. But Bea was too intuitive, even doped up on medication, that she would know if Lilah lied. "She was."

"Was she ok?"

"She was pretty hammered. I put her to bed. Don't worry about her. Please get some sleep. I know I need some."

Bea closed her eyes and ran her fingers through Lilah's hair. "I wish you could stay."

"Me too. But I don't think the ward sister will let me. She wasn't too happy about me coming after visiting hours but I charmed my way in."

"Well you can be pretty charming. It worked on me."

This time it was Lilah who initiated a kiss. In that kiss Lilah felt all the things she felt for Bea, passion, loyalty, fondness, flow back at her as though through a two was valve. The kiss calmed her fears. She convinced herself she was only being paranoid. There wasn't anything to worry about.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Alicia wondered if she'd made a mistake. As she stood outside the mediation room at the police station, part of her regretted her decision to do this by herself. She'd told Ethan not to come and she hadn't even told Bea it was happening today. In his effort to make up for all the time over the past couple of months that he hadn't been there for her, Ethan had gone into overdrive trying to take care of her. It was sweet but exhausting and sometimes it got too much. And Bea was so close to being well enough to be discharged, Alicia didn't want to do anything that may cause her stress and suffer a setback.

But aside from wanting to spare the two most important people in her life from this ordeal, Alicia felt in her gut that she had to face this alone. It had taken a long time for Alicia to realise that asking for support was not a sign of weakness, but she had got there and was now comfortable enough to admit when she wasn't coping. But as the weeks passed by and she came to terms little by little with what happened to her, she felt her inner strength build up. Alicia knew that both Bea and Ethan would be by her side in a flash if she asked them. But she'd come a long way and finally felt ready to face her demons without them. To face Eddie without them.

"Are you ready Dr Munroe?" The police detective that would be sitting in on the session quietly appeared beside her.

Alicia nodded but she felt apprehensive. "Can you tell me again what will happen?"

"We'll go in first. You'll have time to get comfortable. When you feel ready I'll call my colleague and Dr McAllister and his lawyer will come in. They'll be sitting across from us with a table between us. Then you will both have the opportunity to give your side of the story."

Alicia felt sick. Seeing Eddie's face, even hearing his voice would bring that night flooding back. She only had to close her eyes to remember. How she felt with Eddie on top of her, the smell of their sweat and the feel of tears stinging her eyes. Her breath quickened and she gripped the collar of her jacket protectively.

The detective spoke again and her voice was gentle. "Alicia, I'll be there the whole time. You won't be alone with him. And we can stop any time you like, just say the word and the session will end. This is completely voluntary and if you don't feel ready to do this that's ok."

"No" Alicia said. She dug deep inside herself to find all the strength and resolve she could muster. "I need to do this."

Alicia braced herself. The room was empty save for a couple of cream sofas and a wooden coffee table and still Alicia wanted to run. She sat down on the sofa facing the door, the detective beside her. She wanted to see Eddie's face when he entered the room. She wanted to look in straight in the eye from the off and show him that she wasn't scared and would not be intimidated. Deep down she knew that her case wouldn't make it to court, and she had made peace with that. This might be the last chance she had to confront her rapist and she wasn't going to waste it.

Rapist. That word that she hid from for so long, unable and unwilling to admit to herself that she had been raped, she now said and thought it with a kind of angry defiance. Alicia had been raped, and she'd survived. And a few drunken nights at home aside, she hadn't lost her mind. When Eddie entered the room with his lawyer in a matter of minutes, Alicia would hold her head up and show him that he hadn't broken her. He'd taken away her power that night, she was going to take it back.

She took a deep breath and fixed her gaze on the door. "I'm ready."

* * *

Had he done the right thing, letting Alicia go alone? Ethan sat in the staff room in a rare moment of peace wondering that very thing. She'd been adamant that's what she wanted, and Ethan had respected her wishes but he couldn't shake the nagging feeling she needed him.

His second alone was cut short when the door swung open and Elle stuck her head in the door. "There's a major trauma coming in, it's all hands on deck" she said. Ethan gathered up his stethoscope and followed her from the room. "Some scaffolding collapsed on a building site, there are three victims on route, one with severe crush injuries."

"Where do you want me?" Ethan asked. He pushed his concerns for Alicia to one side to focus on the job. But he could never banish them completely. Alicia was always somewhere in his thoughts.

"Resus with me please. ETA six minutes."

* * *

Lilah found Bea pacing back and forth outside her room. "Do they know you're wandering the halls?"

Bea smiled at the sound of her voice. "I can't sit in that bed for a second longer. They're discharging me tonight, they just want to run some final tests."

"That's ace" Lilah said. "I'm so happy. Please take it easy though, you don't want to pop a stitch."

"I'm not running a marathon" Bea replied. She cupped Lilah's face in her hands and kissed her. "Stop worrying."

"What time are you getting out of here?" Lilah said. She began to lead Bea back to her room. Bea reluctantly followed. She never wanted to see those four walls again.

"They told me six. Will your shift be over then?"

"It should be" Lilah said, then regretted it. "I've jinxed it now, haven't I? I finish at five unless a particularly difficult case pops up. I can hang about and drive you if you like. Have you decided where you're going home to?"

Bea looked at Lilah quizzically as she slowly climbed back into bed. "What do you mean?"

"You said your Dad wanted you to move back home?" Lilah said carefully.

Bea waved her question away. "Yeah, he said that. But I never considered it. I wouldn't get a moments peace with him fussing around me. No, my home is Alicia's place now. For the time being anyway."

"I just mean, with all she's going through, the stress of living there might be too much for you."

Bea's brow furrowed as she regarded her girlfriend. "I don't think so" Bea said. "I'm fine. And injured or not, Alicia still needs me and I'm going to be there for her, that hasn't changed."

Lilah sat down on the corner of the bed and stroked Bea's arm. "I'm just concerned, that's all. The other night… I guess I downplayed it, I didn't want to worry you. But Alicia was in a pretty bad state when I found her. She told me what happened to her. With Eddie." This surprised Bea and Lilah looked up to see the look of shock on her face.

"Alicia didn't say anything."

"I don't think she realised what she said, she was too out of it to notice." Lilah hoped Alicia had been too out of it to remember something else that was discussed the night too. She had been trying her hardest to stuff those particular worms back in their can and she would be mortified if Bea learned what Lilah had asked Alicia. "Anyway, she was too drunk to walk and I had to practically carry her to bed. You're not strong enough to deal with that yet."

Bea put her free hand on top of Lilah's. "I'll talk to Alicia, but she'll understand I have to take it easy. She's been on at me to take care of myself too. Everything will be fine. You worry too much."

"You don't worry enough" Lilah said. "Not about yourself anyway."

"I promise I'll look after myself. Believe me, I'm in no hurry at all to end up back here." Bea paused. "On the wards anyway. I'm desperate to be back at work downstairs, I worry I'll have forgotten everything by the time I get back to work."

"No way. You're too good a doctor for that. It'll be like riding a bike."

"Bad analogy" Bea said with a laugh. "I can't actually ride a bike."

Lilah grinned. "You're kidding? And here's me thinking you can do anything. That's it, the minute you're recovered I'm teaching you. And I won't take no for an answer."

"What happened to taking it easy?"

"Oh, that's only for now" Lilah said. The smirk and underlying meaning of her words was not lost on Bea. She reached her arms up to Lilah and pulled her closer. "My break's almost over" Lilah said, but she didn't protest too strongly. But eventually her conscience got the best of her and she reluctantly pulled away. "I'll see you later" she said at the door. "Pack your bags."

* * *

Bea missed the hustle and noise of the ED. As she stepped out of the lift and into the chaos, the urge to get back to work was stronger than ever. Visiting the department as a civilian was incredibly frustrating. All she wanted to do was grab a chart and get back into it.

Rash spotted her hovering by the reception desk and intervened. "Step away from the patient notes" he said with a grin.

"Don't you miss fighting me for the cool cases?" she asked.

Rash answered with a hug. "Come here, of course I do. I can't wait to have you back but there's no rush. This will all still be here. What are you doing down here anyway?"

"Visiting. They're discharging me later, they're just waiting for some final test results. I needed to remind myself that life outside that ward still exists."

"It's great to see you Bea. But I'm sorry, I have so much work to do. We'll catch up later though, I promise."

When Rash had gone, Bea turned to Noel. "Have you seen Alicia?"

"I don't think she's working today."

Bea thought it strange that Alicia didn't mention she had a day off when she came to visit her yesterday but shrugged it off. She was entitled to a day's holiday. But still, when Bea saw Ethan five minutes later exiting the staff room she jogged to catch up with him.

"Ethan, have you got a minute?"

He turned and looked relieved but a worried look still lingered on his face as though he had something on his mind. Bea wondered if that was the same something, or should that be someone, as her.

"Yes, of course. You're looking great Bea."

"Thanks to you."

Ethan blushed. "You have to stop thanking me, I just did my job." he said, trying to brush his embarrassment off with a joke. "Do you want to go outside?"

Fresh air! Bea hadn't left the walls of the hospital for a week and she was more than ready for that to change. They sat down on a bench by the coffee cart. "I wanted to ask you how Alicia is. She didn't tell me she wasn't working today. I have a nagging feeling she's keeping something from me and I'm worried about her."

Ethan stared into the distance. He was worried about Alicia too. He felt her pulling away, closing herself off from him again after being so honest about her trauma. But, he reasoned, she had Bea too and hoped that whatever she wasn't sharing with him she was sharing with Bea. But that appeared not to be the case. Alicia must have kept the mediation from Bea probably so she wouldn't worry and concentrate on getting better, but clearly that hadn't worked. "She didn't tell you" Ethan said, but it wasn't a question. "She's at the police station today. She set up a mediation with Eddie."

Bea's face fell. She'd hoped she was wrong and was worrying for no reason. Alicia hadn't told her how bad things were the other night when Lilah found her drunk and she hadn't told her this either. Now Bea was desperate to get home for another reason too. She'd promised to be there for Alicia and hadn't been. "I knew she wanted to, she didn't tell me it was today."

"She was probably trying to protect you. She only told me this morning, but she said not to come. I've been thinking about it all morning though. Alicia said it was something she had to do alone but I can't help thinking I made a mistake. Should I have insisted on going?"

Bea leant back on the bench. "No, I get it. I think you were right to respect her wishes. I wish she would have told me though."

"She knows we're there for her right?" Ethan asked.

"Yes. She knows."

Ethan wondered if what Alicia had said this morning was in confidence or not, and if he should have shared it. But this was Bea, he was sure Alicia wouldn't mind. And even if she did, he could cope with her being mad at him if it meant she felt safe and supported by as many people as possible. Right now there wasn't much he wouldn't do for her.

"I should be there when she gets home" Bea said resolutely. "If she isn't already. They were going to discharge me this evening anyway. They can call me with my test results."

"We should both be there" Ethan said, making a decision of his own.

"But you're working."

"This is more important."

* * *

When Alicia left the police station she felt like she wanted to scream. Seeing Eddie again was harder than she thought it would be. She wasn't prepared for the magnitude of anger that swelled up inside her the moment he stepped in that room. He'd looked subdued, like a beaten dog, but Alicia knew what he could be like and she wasn't fooled. She'd said what she needed to say and sat numbly as he recounted his version of that night, clenching her hands into fists as he spoke. When it was over, she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Alicia had sat in her car in the station car park and cried.

Alicia wasn't ready to go home. She didn't want to be alone in an empty house with a cupboard full of vodka and a fridge full of wine, she didn't think she had the strength left in her to resist the pull of a drunken oblivion. She couldn't have a repeat of the other night when Lilah had found her all but passed out on Bea's bed. She was mortified and dreaded seeing Lilah again, but she dreaded even more what Lilah might say to Bea.

Alicia stood by the canal, leaning on the railing and watching a family of ducks paddle about in the sunshine. It was peaceful, and even if she was still alone, the fresh air was clearing her head.

"Molly, come back here!"

Alicia was roused from her daydream by a loud shout. She looked down to find a little Yorkshire terrier fussing around her feet. She smiled at the yappy little creature and bent down to pet it.

A second later an older lady was by her side, breathing heavily. "Oh, I'm all out of puff" she said, catching her breath. "I'm sorry lovey, once she gets off the lead, she's away. I'm too old to be chasing after her now."

Alicia smiled as the dog licked her hand. "It's alright, I don't mind." Alicia stroked the dog again then slowly stood up.

The woman watched Alicia as her little dog bounded up to her, jumping up for a treat. "You can tell me to butt out if your like, my son's always telling me to mind my own business, but are you alright? You looked troubled. You're not thinking about jumping in there are you? I don't like to think how filthy that water is every time this one decides she wants to go for a swim."

"I'm alright. Thank you. I've got a lot on my mind, that's all."

"Don't we all." The woman scooped up her dog. "I'm Brenda by the way." She held out her hand and Alicia shook it.

"Alicia." She sighed and looked back down at the water. "I've had a difficult day, I just needed some time alone to think."

"And I went and spoiled it. Sorry, I'll be on my way now."

"No, I don't mind. Really."

"You're a Geordie lass, aren't you? I spent some time up there. My late husband Alfred was from Durham."

Alicia nodded but didn't speak. Making small talk with strangers right now was a struggle, but she didn't want to be rude.

Brenda noticed her reluctance to engage further and backed away. "I talk too much, I know it. It's a northern thing. I'm from Manchester, can you tell?" She grinned. "You're a long way from home. What brings you to Holby?"

"Work" Alicia said.

"Me too. My husband's, not mine. Been here 30 years now. I keep thinking about going home, especially now. There's nothing keeping me here now my kids are grown. It's just me on my lonesome. Well, me and Molly." Brenda hesitated, still concerned about Alicia. "Have you got family around here?"

Alicia felt bad for making this sweet old lady worry about her. She didn't know her but was being so kind, Alicia couldn't just brush her off now as much as she did wish to be by herself. "No" she said. "Not exactly. I'm not alone though, if that's what you mean."

"Just because you're not alone doesn't mean you can't feel lonely. Have you got a fella?"

Alicia smiled, thinking about Ethan and how worried he was about her this morning when she told him she needed to face Eddie on her own. "It's complicated." Alicia straightened up and turned to Brenda. "I should get going." She patted the dog on the head again and smiled. "Thank you for looking out for me."

"No problem lovey. Sometimes all you need is a friendly chat with a stranger."

* * *

Ethan's car was parked outside her house when Alicia got home but she was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice. So when she opened her front door to find him standing in her hallway she was startled.

"Ethan. What are you doing here? How did you get in?" Alicia asked, but she didn't care, she was just happy to see him.

Ethan held out his arm and Alicia accepted his hug gratefully. "Bea."

"She gave you her key?"

"Not exactly. She was discharged early, I brought her home. She's upstairs having a nap." Ethan squeezed Alicia's shoulders, so happy to have her in his arms. "The truth is we both wanted to be here when you got home."

"You told her."

"Of course I did. I'm shocked you didn't tell her yourself."

"You know why I couldn't."

Ethan led Alicia into the living room and they sat down on the sofa. Alicia resumed her position leaning against Ethan's chest with his arms wrapped protectively around her. She had told him she didn't need a knight in shining armour to rescue her, but sometimes feeling protected wasn't such a bad thing.

"Do you want anything? I can put the kettle on?" Alicia shook her head and didn't open her eyes. "Do you… want to talk about it?"

"Not now. I'm too exhausted." She suddenly opened her eyes and sat up. "What time is it? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I asked Mrs Beauchamp for half a day, I told her it was an emergency. I think she knew it was something to do with you. She was understanding."

"You didn't have to do that. I told you I could get through today on my own. And I did Ethan. I did it."

"I'm proud of you. You're so strong Alicia, but I'm here for you so you don't always have to be."

Alicia buried her face in Ethan's shirt as the emotions of the day spilled out of her. Her shoulders shook as she tried to hold back her sobs. "I don't deserve you" Alicia said.

"Shhh" Ethan soothed her as he rubbed her back. It's me who doesn't deserve you, Ethan thought. But he kept the thought to himself.

After a cup of tea and a hastily prepared bowl of pasta, Alicia saw Ethan to the door and gave him a long hug goodbye on the doorstep. "Thank you" she said over his shoulder. "You're a really great friend."

That word. Friend. Ethan felt a stab in his heart. He wanted more, he wanted so much more, but if friendship was all Alicia was offering he would take it in a flash. "If you change your mind and want to talk about the mediation I'm only a phone call away."

Alicia released him save for one hand that remained resting on his forearm. "I know. But I want to put it behind me I think."

That was true. But it was also true that Ethan was the last person Alicia wanted to go into details with about that night with Eddie. While she no longer blamed herself for the rape, she wasn't exactly proud of her behaviour that night. When Ethan looked at her she saw in his eyes that he only saw the best in her and she wanted to keep it that way.

"Well, if you change your mind. No matter what time of the night."

Alicia smiled. "Ethan, I promise I will. If I need to. But I'll see you at work tomorrow. I think I can hold on until then."

Seeing a smile on Alicia's face was all that Ethan needed. He said goodbye and turned to walk back to his car, his heart full and his mid at peace.

Bea's bedroom door was open a crack when Alicia climbed the stairs. She was quiet so she wouldn't wake her, but as she passed by the door Bea called her name.

"Hey" Alicia said, entering the room. Bea was sat up in bed in her pyjamas with a book in her hand. "You didn't tell me you were coming home today."

Bea put her bookmark between the pages and put the book down beside her. "I only found out this morning. Besides, I'm not the only one hiding things." Bea sighed. That came out more accusatory than she meant it, but the look on Alicia's face told her she hadn't taken offence. "Babe, why didn't you tell me the mediation was today?"

"I didn't want you to worry about me, you needed to concentrate on getting well."

"It worked. They let me out. But you still should have told me."

"I had to do it on my own and I knew if I said anything you'd insist on coming. I'm glad I went by myself, I did what I needed to do and now I can move on."

Alicia hoped that by saying it it would make it true, but Bea wasn't convinced. "How was it?" Bea patted the duvet beside her and Alicia sat down on top of the covers.

"It was hard." Alicia looked down at her hands and toyed with the idea of spilling her guts to Bea and letting all her worries and fears out, but she shook that thought away. "If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it. It was so difficult but I got through it. Perhaps now I can get some closure."

"I'm proud of you" Bea said. "You're being so strong."

"That's what Ethan said."

"Well, you should believe us because it's true."

"I don't always feel that way."

"That's ok. You can feel however you want to feel around me. I won't judge."

"Get some rest" Alicia said, eager to put the focus back on Bea. "I'll bring you a brew."

* * *

Lilah's name flashed up on Bea's phone as the buzz of an incoming call disturbed her dreams. She'd been dozing for 45 minutes but it felt like hours. She accepted the call guiltily, bracing herself for what was coming. She had neglected Lilah this afternoon, she knew it. It was past five and Lilah's shift was over. Letting Lilah know she was not longer at the hospital had slipped her mind.

"Bea, what the hell?" Lilah's voice was so loud that Bea had to hold the phone away from her ear. "I went to the ward to get you and they told me you'd already been discharged. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry" Bea said in a hushed voice. "I should have called you, I know I should. But I'm home now, Dr Hardy drove me."

"It's not cool Bea, I was really worried."

Bea felt a pang in her heart. The truth was she had barely thought about Lilah ever since Ethan had told her Alicia was at the police station. She felt like a terrible girlfriend and an even worse person. "You don't need to be. I'm fine. They wouldn't have let me out if I wasn't."

"Let me come and look after you" Lilah said, the anxiety and anger that had been in her voice fading away.

Bea didn't answer straight away. "I don't think you should" Bea said.

"Let me guess. Alicia needs you." Bea could hear resentment seeping into Lilah's reply. "I understand that she's dealing with something awful but so are you. You need to look after yourself as well."

The hurt in Lilah's voice was impossible to miss. Bea clutched her phone tight and hoped that from the other end of the line Lilah understood how sorry she was for making her worry and how difficult it was for Bea to push her away now. But the fact was that even if Alicia was truly as okay as she seemed, Bea didn't want to leave her alone or be distracted.

"I will, I promise" Bea replied.

"I hoped I was wrong" Lilah said quietly, then swallowed. There was so much she wanted to say but over the phone when she was this angry was not the way she wanted to say it. It could wait. "I'm coming round in the morning and no arguments" she said. "We need to talk Bea, and it shouldn't be over the phone."

The said goodnight and Bea hung up, Lilah's unspoken words crackling in the air.

There was a gentle knock at the door and Alicia was there holding a steaming mug of tea. "I heard you were awake, I brought you this." She set it down on the bedside cabinet. "You'd nodded off when I came up before. I'll just leave the tea and go."

Bea stared at her phone and murmured her thanks. What did Lilah mean she hoped she was wrong? Bea was sure that's what she'd said although it was so quiet she couldn't be sure. She sounded hurt more than angry. Bea didn't want that at all.

"Was that Lilah on the phone?" Alicia asked. "Tell me to mind my own business if you want."

"Yeah. She's not very happy with me, she was going to meet me at the hospital after her shift and drive me home but I left early to be here when you got back. I forgot to tell her." Bea looked up. "The other night when she came to get my stuff did she say anything?"

Alicia cringed. "I was hoping she wouldn't tell you about that. To be honest I was too bladdered to remember really. But she seemed alright, yeah. A bit distracted maybe. She was probably just worried about you. You've found yourself a good'un there Bea. Don't let her go."

* * *

 _I hope you enjoyed that chapter. I hope you guys will forgive me for not showing any of the actual mediation in this story. We got to see Alicia confront Eddie in the show itself and it was all I needed, I didn't feel the need to write my own version of it. And what is fan fiction writing if not wish fulfillment? Oh, and I've spent most of the afternoon catching up on Corrie. I had Audrey Roberts in my head while writing the scene with Brenda!_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Lilah shied away from a kiss hello when Bea met her outside the coffee shop in the late afternoon. They stood silently in line to order, Bea all the while replaying last night's phone conversation over and over in her mind. It was good to get out the house. But Lilah's insistence that they meet here and not at Bea's was perplexing.

They found a table in a dark corner of the café and Bea couldn't stand the tension any longer. "Lilah I'm sorry about yesterday. It was properly shit of me to forget to call you. I'm sorry."

Lilah nodded. She seemed subdued and wouldn't look Bea in the eye. "I know you are" she said finally. She looked up at Bea with a small smile. "It hurt though. And I'm mad at myself for how hurt I felt. I'm not usually like this. I don't do jealousy." She leant back in her chair and sighed deeply.

Bea's coffee lay untouched on the table. "Jealousy? What are you talking about?"

"Look, I don't like playing games, it's not my style. I'm just going to come out and ask you. Have you got feelings for Alicia?"

Bea blinked, and it took her a couple of seconds for her to recover. "Lilah, no." She reached across the table and took Lilah's hand. "Where has this come from?"

Lilah looked at her but she didn't pull her hand away. "Where do you think?"

"Alicia's my friend. I care about her, sure, but not in that way. She's been going through a tough time, you know that. She needs me."

"Does she? Or do you want her to need you?" Lilah exhaled. "Look Bea, tell me I'm crazy if you want but I see the look in your eyes when you talk about her."

"I will" Bea said emphatically. "You are crazy. Alicia's not my girlfriend, you are."

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes."

Lilah sat back, unconvinced but calmer than before. "It might be selfish, but I want more of you. Even if nothing is going on between you and Alicia, and I believe you that there isn't, you never stop thinking about her and worrying about her. Please ask yourself why that is. Think about what you want. If it's me, you have to be all in."

Lilah said no more. She didn't make an ultimatum but the unspoken words hung in the air. Bea was quiet. She didn't protest because she had to admit Lilah had a point. Did Alicia really need her as much as Bea thought? Alicia had Ethan now, and she was doing better.

When Lilah left to go to home Bea was left alone with a cold mug of coffee and endless questions. Lilah had jolted something within her, shifted her thoughts fundamentally and she was now seeing things from Lilah's point of view for the first time. Bea prided herself on being perceptive and reading other people's emotions well, how did she miss this?

Something had to change, Bea knew it, but she wasn't sure what she wanted that something to be.

* * *

"Here, let me do that."

Alicia got home from her shift to find Bea on the sofa trying to change her dressing.

"No, I've got it" Bea stammered. Alicia had startled her. She'd been alone with her thoughts ever since she'd left the café and that was dangerous. But solitude was what Bea needed.

The TV was on with the sound down low, but Bea was not watching whatever mindless game show was currently playing. She had a bottle of antiseptic open on the coffee table and was trying to clean the healing wound on her side. It wasn't easy. Her ribs were still sore and twisting so she could reach the incision site was painful. She grimaced as she did it.

Alicia watched. "Come on Bea, don't be silly. I'm a trained medical professional too you know." Alicia flashed Bea a grin and knelt on the carpet in front of Bea. She took the cotton swab from Bea and Bea reluctantly give in.

"Have you had a good day?" Alicia asked. She seemed cheerful. Bea didn't want to bring her down.

"I haven't done much" was all she offered. Bea relaxed back into the sofa cushions and lifted her t-shirt out of the way.

"Good. You're still recovering, you should be relaxing. You're only just out of hospital." Alicia didn't look at Bea as she spoke, so intent was she on tending to Bea's wound.

Lilah's words from that morning were racing round and round in Bea's head and she was sure that Alicia would be able to hear them somehow being as close to Bea as she was now. Bea was nervous and she couldn't explain it. Her heart was pounding.

"It's healing nicely" Alicia said. "You'll have quite an impressive scar though I should think." Alicia placed the cotton ball and antiseptic to one side and picked up the fresh dressing.

As Alicia secured the dressing with tape her fingertips brushed Bea's skin and Bea flinched. The touch surprised her and for a second she was flustered.

"I'm sorry" Alicia said, "did I hurt you?"

"No" Bea said, trying to recover. "Your hands are cold, that's all."

Alicia rubbed her hands together to warm them and smiled at Bea. "Sorry. Do you fancy a film night tonight? I need something daft that I've seen a hundred times. Maybe a takeaway and some ice cream? What do you say?"

Bea couldn't say anything. She didn't want a movie, she didn't want a takeaway, what she really wanted was to be alone. But Alicia seemed her old bright and bubbly self for the first time in ages and Bea didn't have it in her to spoil that. "It sounds lovely" she said.

"Excellent." Alicia finished applying the dressing to Bea's side and stood up. "Chinese or pizza?"

* * *

"Dr Kinsella. What are you doing here?"

Mrs Beauchamp opened her office door first thing the next morning and was surprised to see one of her F1s standing on the other side about to knock.

"I have an outpatient appointment" Bea said. "But I was hoping I could talk to you about returning to work." Bea looked at her boss expectantly, but she quickly saw that she wasn't going to get the response she hoped for.

"Dr Kinsella, I appreciate your eagerness, but it's just too soon, you're still not fully recovered." Connie's expression wasn't without sympathy, but she looked anxious and busy. Bea opened her mouth to protest but before any words had left her mouth she realised it would be futile. Connie's tone softened. "Come back and see me in a week alright? We'll talk about it then. I'm sorry, I'm very busy. Take care of yourself, ok?"

Bea watched Connie walk away. She couldn't tell her boss the real reason she wanted so badly to return to work. She couldn't tell Mrs Beauchamp that sitting alone at home was torture. Bea couldn't say that she needed desperately to be distracted from her feelings and the mess of her love life before she did something she'd regret. Bea missed her job, sure. She missed the people and she missed learning, but the drive to come back to the ED wasn't as pure as she would have Connie believe.

Last night, Bea had been unable to concentrate on the film Alicia selected and had barely touched her dinner. When Alicia had fallen asleep on the sofa before the film had ended, Bea sat there until the credits rolled but she wasn't watching the TV screen, she was watching Alicia.

Bea had gone over and over in her mind her relationship with Lilah and her feelings for Alicia. She was shocked to realise that maybe Lilah's words were not as surprising to Bea as she'd first thought.

Bea lay awake until the early hours unable to shut off her mind. She had barely slept, and was awake long before Alicia left for her shift. Bea could hear her in the shower and making breakfast, but it wasn't until she heard the front door slam and was sure Alicia had gone that Bea disentangled herself from her duvet and got out of bed.

Now that Lilah had awoken in Bea the possibility that perhaps her concern for Alicia wasn't as innocent as she believed and she'd had time to mull it over, she couldn't face Alicia. Bea realised she wouldn't be able to avoid her forever, but for now the thought of having to pretend nothing had changed was too awkward for Bea to contemplate.

"Good morning" Rash says brightly, spotting Bea in the corridor. "How was your appointment?"

Bea hoped she looked cheerful and untroubled as she replied. She doesn't want to have to answer any questions about her state of mind, not just now. "I haven't had it yet, I'm just about to go up. I came in early to talk to Mrs Beauchamp about returning to work."

"And?"

Bea shook her head. "Not yet. Hey, do you fancy going to the pub later? I can't drink but I need to get out the house. What do you say?"

"Sure" Rash said. "Sounds great. I'll give you a call when my shift's over."

Maybe a natter with a mate was all the distraction Bea needed. As long as she steered the conversation away from the topic of her love life.

* * *

Alicia drew the curtain back around her patient's cubicle, staring thoughtfully at his chart. She looked around for Louise who had been helping her treat him and instead spotted Bea talking to Rash as she walked towards the lift. It was then she remembered that Bea had an outpatient appointment today.

Alicia frowned. She had only been in with the patient for a minute, she thought it strange that Bea hadn't come to find her. But Alicia shook her head. Why should Bea find her? Alicia didn't need updating on every moment of Bea's day and she felt silly that she'd had that thought. They had grown close and shared a lot but they weren't joined at the hip.

"Are you alright? You look concerned." Ethan passed by Alicia but stopped when he saw the look on her face.

Alicia smiled. "Yes, fine. I just saw Bea."

"Oh, she's here for her appointment?"

"You know about that?" Alicia was surprised.

"She mentioned it the other day. While we were waiting for you to come home."

Alicia stared thoughtfully in the direction Bea had just departed in. "Something's going on with her" she said. "Maybe I should go and see if she's alright."

An ironic smile broke out on Ethan's face. "You're always telling me to stop fussing. I'm sure Bea's fine."

"You're right" Alicia said, but she couldn't shake her feelings of unease. "I'll see her later."

* * *

After her appointment, Bea roamed the hospital corridors lost in thought. It was raining or she might have gone for a walk in the park but this was the next best thing. She must have wandered through every department of the hospital she could get to. All, that is, except for Maternity and the ED. How was she supposed to clear her head if she bumped into the two women who were monopolising her thoughts?

Bea stood on the bridge connecting two wings of the hospital staring out over the drizzly carpark. A million possible outcomes were turning over in Bea's mind but she kept coming back to the same thought. To make things really work with Lilah from now on she would have to take a step away from supporting Alicia. The more she thought about it, the more Bea realised she didn't want to do that. She could carry on, live in denial that there hadn't been a change within her and pretend everything was fine as it was but she knew from experience that this strategy never worked out well for anyone.

More than anything, Bea didn't want to hurt anyone. If someone had to get hurt, she would rather it was herself, but she wasn't thrilled by that prospect either. She hadn't spoken to Lilah since yesterday. She missed her, but did she miss her enough? Bea felt pressure to decide.

She took out her phone to check the time. It was two hours until the end of Lilah's shift. Two hours for Bea to make a decision. She made a promise to herself then as she stared out at the rain. She would either commit herself to Lilah. Go 'all in' as Lilah had put it. Or she would let her go. Bea would head to the hospital canteen to nurse a cup of tea and make up her mind. But if she was honest with herself Bea already knew what she had to do.

Two hours passed in a flash. It had stopped raining, but the threat of another downpour hung in the air. Bea hovered by Lilah's car waiting for her and getting more nervous with every passing minute. She knew what she had to do and the hospital car park wasn't the ideal venue but there was no point in delaying the inevitable.

Lilah's face fell when she saw Bea. Her glum expression and body language was a dead giveaway on how the next five minutes would go and Lilah briefly contemplated turning around and going right back inside. But she was the one who had pushed, she was the one who didn't want to play games. She wished Bea had come to the opposite decision but she couldn't do anything about it now. Lilah wouldn't beg someone to stay with her if their heart wasn't in it. She paused and took a deep breath before continuing to her car.

She walked another ten metres before Bea looked up and saw her. She looked sad. Despite everything, Lilah didn't want her to be in pain. She had been where Bea was before, she knew how difficult it was to care for two people.

"I'm guessing it's bad news for me." Lilah spoke first letting Bea off the hook.

Bea smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen."

Lilah was standing only a foot from Bea now. In the fading light she could see Bea had been crying. "I should have kept my mouth shut" Lilah said and let out a sad little laugh. "You didn't realise your feelings for Alicia until I said something did you?"

Bea shook her head. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. I do care about you Lilah, that's why I'm walking away. You deserve someone better than me. Someone who will put you first."

Bea stood with her arms awkwardly by her side. That was it then. She felt sick. What was she doing? This girl was amazing and she was letting her go, for what? Goodness knows how long being miserable and pining after someone she could never have? But in the pit of her stomach Bea knew this was the right choice ad she'd have to live with the consequences.

* * *

Be had already sunk double vodka and tonic before she got a message from Rash saying he wouldn't make it to the pub after all. He promised to make it up to her tomorrow and signed off with a smiley face. In Bea's current state of mind it was probably for the best. She wouldn't be very good company for anyone right now. She drained her glass and stared at her phone. She knew alcohol didn't solve anything, she knew all her problems would still be there tomorrow only with the added problem of a hangover, but she didn't care. She ordered another.

She stumbled through her front door around 11pm soaking wet from the downpour that started as soon as she left the pub. She wanted to dart up to bed and hide from the world, or at least hide from Alicia. If she had anywhere else to go tonight, she'd be there instead. She closed the door at quietly as she could but in the dark she banged into the hallway table and swore.

"Bea?"

A lamp was on in the living room and Alicia was still awake. Bea couldn't avoid her now.

"Hey. Sorry I'm home so late. I went to the pub with Rash." Bea cringed. The lie slipped out before she could stop it.

"Can I talk to you?"

Bea gingerly walked into the front room and Alicia stood up to face her.

"Are you drunk?" Alicia asked. Bea hated to see the look of disappointment on Alicia's face but tried to ignore her shame. "I'm worried about you. Did you get bad news at your appointment?"

Bea shook her head. That seemed like days ago, not only this morning. "No. I'm fine. I just want to go to bed."

Alicia reached out and held Bea's arm. "You're soaked. Here, take off your wet jumper before you catch a chill." Alicia made to help Bea take off her jacket but Bea wouldn't let her. "Bea. What's up? Something's going on with you, I can tell. Come on, talk to me."

Bea reluctantly answered. "I broke up with Lilah."

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. Why?"

Bea turned away. She couldn't say. And Alicia calling her sweetheart, however platonic the sentiment behind it was, made her insides twist in knots. "It's complicated. I don't want to talk about it."

Bea tried to move away and leave the room but Alicia blocked her path. Bea was paying for all the times she wouldn't let Alicia off the hook and was insistent she share her problems about the Eddie situation. Bea had a new understanding then of what it must have been like, not that she was comparing her current unimportant predicament to what Alicia went through, not at all. Compared to what Alicia had faced Bea felt like a whiny child and wanted to get out of there before she added to Alicia's problems.

"Bea, come on." Bea turned her head away, fighting back tears, and Alicia stepped away defeated. "Have I done something to upset you? I feel as though you've been avoiding me. Tell me I'm crazy."

But Bea couldn't. It was the truth, she had been avoiding her but Bea didn't want Alicia thinking it was her fault. "You haven't done anything Alicia. Please believe me. It's my problem, I'll work through it. You don't have to worry."

But Alicia would worry, and Bea knew it. Her head swam. The vodka clouded her thoughts and her vision and she rubbed her temple, trying to find some clarity. She swayed slightly on her feet and had to lean on the wall to steady herself. Alicia instinctively stepped forward to help her stay upright but Bea backed away. She didn't want Alicia to touch her. She didn't think her heart could take it.

"How much have you had to drink?" Alicia asked, the stern doctor in her coming out. "You're still on antibiotics, you shouldn't be drinking anything."

The doctor side of Bea had flown out of the window. At the moment she didn't care. "Please leave me alone" Bea finally said, her voice quiet.

Alicia regarded her friend helplessly. She had never seen Bea like this. She wanted to help but didn't know how and Bea wasn't about to help her understand. Alicia took a deep breath. One month ago they were in a similar situation in this very room only the roles were reversed. Bea had used tough love on her and she fought against it but Alicia couldn't deny it was what she needed. Ignoring Bea's wishes, she touched Bea's face, trying to make her look her in the eye.

When Bea looked up she had tears falling down her cheeks. "Alicia. Please let me go. You don't want to know, it will change everything and I don't want that."

Alicia raised her voice. She didn't mean to, but she was frustrated and upset herself and didn't know what else to do. "Bea, please. Tell me what I've done."

"You've made me fall in love with you!"

Bea froze, shocked at her outburst.

"I'm... I'm sorry" she stammered. "I didn't mean to... I have to go."

Before Alicia could recover herself, Bea was gone, slamming the front door behind her.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hello everyone. I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long. I hit a bit of a mental block but I think I'm over it now. I have the next few chapters mapped out but I won't make any promises on when I might have them up. Thank you for all your reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter too._

 **Chapter 9**

Alicia stared down at her phone and the endless chain of one-sided unanswered messages. She knew Bea had read them, such was the wonder of modern technology, but it had been three days and Alicia hadn't heard a word from her. Wherever she was, Alicia hoped she was ok. Although knowing Bea she was probably hiding from the world, embarrassed and humiliated.

Alicia would be lying if she said Bea's drunken declaration hadn't shocked her. But Bea had vanished out the door before Alicia had time to react. Since then she had put so much energy into her work and trying to find out if Bea was alright that she hadn't stopped to think about how she felt about it herself. All Alicia knew was that she missed her friend.

Alicia had told Bea in her numerous messages that she had no reason to be embarrassed. She had told her she wasn't freaked out although that was a little white lie. After the first day when Bea hadn't returned home, Alicia told her that she was still welcome to stay. She had told her she cared about her, that Bea had been a great friend to her these past few months and she appreciated it more than she could say. She even left a voicemail telling Bea she wanted to talk to her in person instead of by text but every message went unanswered and Alicia was running out of things to say.

Rash seemed nervous when Alicia cornered him in the staff room later that day. If anyone would know Bea's whereabouts it was him.

"Er, yeah" Rash said reluctantly when Alicia flat out asked him if he knew where Bea was staying. He looked at the floor and not at Alicia. "She's been crashing on my sofa. Did you two have a falling out or something? She's not told me a thing apart from that she broke up with Lilah."

Alicia's heart sank. She had hoped Bea had found someone to talk to instead of stewing in her own feelings and making herself crazy. Alicia knew what that was like, and now she was out the other side she truly realised how destructive that was. But it appeared not. Alicia hoped the reason Bea hadn't told Rash the whole story wasn't to protect her, Alicia honestly didn't care who knew if it meant Bea was hurting a little less.

She shook her head. "Not exactly. But she's not been replying to any of my messages and I'm really worried. Can you tell me at least if she's looking after herself? She's still on mediation…"

"Don't worry about that" Rash said. "She's taking her meds, I made sure of it."

"Alicia?" The door flew open and Charlie appeared. "Sorry. We need you in resus."

Alicia nodded at the nurse and he ducked back out of the room. She turned to Rash but didn't know what more to say.

"I'll tell Bea you asked after her" he said. Alicia gave him a small appreciative smile but she didn't know what good it would do. Bea already knew. Alicia would just have to trust that Bea would reach out when she felt she was ready. Whether that was to her or to somebody else, Alicia didn't mind.

Before Alicia opened the doors into Resus she heard the baby's wails. Iain had to raise his voice above the din to do his handover.

"This is Joseph Morgan, he's 6 weeks old. He has a fever and shortness of breath."

Alicia listened as Iain reeled off the medication the infant had already received and his vital statistics. Elle was already leaning over the screaming baby and taking her stethoscope from around her neck to listen to his chest for herself. Behind her, a woman was crying and Robyn had her arm around her, trying to calm her.

"What's wrong with my baby?" the distraught woman asked.

"We don't know yet" Robyn answered truthfully. "Let the doctors do their work."

"I want to be with him!"

"Come on, I promise you can see him soon."

Alicia heard all this but didn't take her eyes from the baby. He was tiny. Brand new. He looked so fragile and helpless laid out on the bed built for adults but Alicia didn't stop for long to marvel at this tiny little creature in front of her, he was clearly poorly and needed her help.

Robyn managed to persuade the distraught mother to leave resus and Alicia breathed a sigh of relief. She always found it so much harder to treat very sick children with their parents present.

"Iain, did the mother say anything about what happened?" Elle asked

"She told us he hadn't been himself all morning, he wouldn't eat when he woke up. She called us when she realised he had a temperature. He's gone downhill pretty rapidly."

"Alright, thank you" Elle said to the paramedic then turned her attention back to the child.

"Where do you want me?" Alicia asked Elle taking a step towards the patient.

"I thought you could take the lead on this one." Alicia clearly had a look of horror on her face as Elle added "I'll be here if you need me, I promise. But you've got this. You want to work with children, don't you? Then you need experience with the really tiny ones."

"Right." Alicia nodded. She had to put all her problems out of her mind. None of them were even a fraction as important as saving a sick baby. "Alright little man" she said, doing her best to stay calm. "Let's see what the matter is hey?"

* * *

"I hear you have a new born in there. They're tough to treat when they're that small. Are you ok?" Ethan put his hand on Alicia's shoulder in comfort. Alicia appreciated the gesture but she truly was ok. The baby was doing better and his temperature had fallen a little. He seemed to be improving, albeit slowly. Alicia had left resus to chase up his lab results and met Ethan by reception.

"I'm fine" Alicia said. She smiled, hoping to show Ethan she meant it. "Besides, Elle's helping me."

"Well, I'm here if you need any help with him" Ethan said. "Not that I think you need it" he added hastily. "I know you've got this. Babies like you."

Ethan's awkwardness made Alicia smile. He began to walk away but Alicia called after him. "Ethan?" He turned around, a vaguely hopeful look on his face. "Does your offer of a home-made lasagne still stand?"

"Absolutely."

"Then are you free tonight? My place?" Ethan nodded, but cautiously. "Friends" Alicia said, clearly clarifying her intentions with that one word. "I miss hanging out with you."

Ethan relaxed. "I miss that too. Will Dr Kinsella be there?"

Alicia shook her head. "No, I don't think so."

"I'll go to the supermarket after work" Ethan said.

Alicia nodded. "Then I'll get the wine."

"Do you have a ceramic oven dish?"

Alicia laughed at the level of concern on his face at the thought that she might not. This was typical Ethan, worrying about insignificant details.

"I think I do."

Alicia was looking forward to reconnecting with Ethan. Whatever had, or hadn't, happened between them in the past, it felt like they had a chance to start over, to wipe the slate clean. Alicia enjoyed Ethan's company. He made her laugh and she felt safe with him. That was all she needed, there was no need to think too much about what that meant.

She still had a smile on her face as she walked back towards resus. She passed Rash pushing a patient in a wheelchair towards cubicles, but didn't pay them much attention until a female voice called her name.

"Alicia?"

Alicia stopped and looked back. "Brenda?"

Rash looked between the two women. "Do you know each other?"

Brenda took another breath through the oxygen mask she wore before removing it from her face again so she could speak. "Oh, we go way back lovey. Last week was it?"

"Longer than that" Alicia said with a grin. "About ten days?" She turned her attention to Rash. "We met in the park. What's going on?"

"Mrs Johnson here brought herself in. She's been having trouble breathing. I was just about to take her to be checked out."

"You didn't tell me you were a doctor" Brenda said slowly. Her breathing was laboured and she was forced to use the mask again.

Alicia shrugged. "I am" she said. "You better leave that mask on. Dr Masum here will sort you out. I'm sorry, I've got a patient of my own, but I'll come and find you later ok?"

* * *

Alicia warmed her stethoscope between her hands and placed it gently on the baby's fragile chest. She could feel his mother's eyes on her watching her every move. She took his temperature, glanced at the monitors for his heart rate and added the readings to his notes.

"Joey's temperature is falling and his breathing is improving" Alicia said cautiously. "He's still a very poorly little boy, but there is some improvement there."

"What's wrong with him?" The mother sounded completely dejected. Her voice was strained, as though every syllable threatened to turn into a sob. She stroked her son's tiny toes. "His feet are so cold."

"He has sepsis. But we caught it early enough that he has a good chance of recovery."

The exhausted young mum looked up at Alicia. "I did the right thing calling an ambulance?"

Alicia walked round the cot and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Helena, you absolutely did the right thing."

"I thought I was overreacting. Being a hysterical new mum."

"You trusted your instincts. You know your baby better than anyone and you knew something was wrong. You did the very best thing you could for your son, now it's our turn to look after him. Is there anyone we can call for you? A partner?"

Helena Morgan gave Alicia a small sad smile. "No, it's just the two of us. My brother lives in Birmingham, he's driving over. What happens next?"

"We monitor him. He's not quite stable enough to be moved to the NICU, but there's a bed on standby for him when I think it's safe. I'm sorry there's not more we can do at this stage."

"Can I stay here? I'm not in the way am I?"

Alicia gave the woman's shoulder a squeeze. "Of course not."

A little while later Alicia came back to check on her patient to find Robyn alone with the baby.

"I persuaded Helena to stretch her legs for 5 minutes in the fresh air" the nurse said, pre-empting the question Alicia was about to ask. "There's no change in his condition."

Alicia nodded. She looked down at the sleeping baby. He looked peaceful despite all the wires and tubes. "It's not fair" she said quietly. He was still so new. He hadn't had a chance to make mistakes yet, to hurt anyone or to get hurt himself. He had his whole life ahead of him and who knew what that had in store for him. Alicia often thought how unfair life was. When sweet old men die alone from cancer and violent thugs escape a knife fight with nothing more than a scratch. When innocent children fall ill or get injured and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.

"What did he do to deserve this eh?" Alicia stroked the baby's soft hand.

"I know." Robyn stopped what she was doing and sighed. "There's no reason I can see for any of this." She made a sweeping motion with her arm. "All I want to do is go home and give Charlotte a cuddle."

"You'll call me if anything changes?" Alicia asked, not taking her eyes from the baby as she moved towards the door. "I need to…" But Alicia didn't finish that sentence.

"I will" Robyn replied, understanding.

* * *

Alicia needed five minutes to herself. The day had unsettled her, but she treated sick kids all the time, little Joseph Morgan wasn't the only factor. She was apprehensive about getting close to Ethan again and she was curiously worried about Brenda Johnson, a relative stranger she had only met twice. And of course the elephant in the room was Bea's revelation that had played heavily on her mind since the words left Bea's mouth.

But the reason Alicia felt so off kilter was more fundamental than thinking about that. For months now, Bea had been her pillar. And now she wasn't here for Alicia to lean on. For all she said about needing to cope with her ordeal with Eddie and everything else that life had thrown at her recently on her own, there was no denying that Alicia needed Bea. More than she realised. Perhaps it was selfish, Bea clearly had her own problems to deal with and Alicia was the one person who couldn't help her with them.

Alicia's head was all over the place. She didn't feel at all able to do her job, despite her assurances to Ethan. She shouldn't be treating anyone right now, least of all a new born baby, but the department was short staffed what with being short two junior doctors. They had to power through fatigue and exhaustion and personal distractions all the time. Alicia would just have to find a way to focus and do her job.

"Are you alright love? You look troubled." Alicia looked up to see Brenda standing beside her. "Don't worry, I'm not doing a runner. That nice young doctor is taking very good care of me. I just don't cope very well with being cooped up inside, I needed some fresh air. And I needed to call my neighbour to give Molly her dinner and I couldn't get any phone reception inside."

Alicia smiled but didn't say anything. She wanted to be on her own but she didn't want to be rude.

"A doctor eh?" Brenda continued. "That's really something. I never did anything with my life, not really. I just worked in a grocer's my whole life."

Still Alicia was quiet, but realised she had to say something. She didn't want to talk about herself. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm alright. A bit of a dodgy ticker, that's all. I feel fine but they're running all kinds of tests. I think it's a waste of time personally."

Alicia turned to the woman. "It's not. If there's something wrong we need to find out what it is. We can't have you keeling over on us."

"Alicia, we need you."

Alicia turned to look at Robyn calling her from the ED entrance and fear gripped her. "Go on love" Brenda said, and Alicia didn't need to be told twice.

"It's Joseph Morgan, he's taken a turn for the worse" Robyn said when Alicia had caught up with her. Together they sprinted to resus.

"Call Dr Gardener" Alicia said to anyone who would listen the second she entered the room. She was out of her depth and she wasn't too proud to admit it, not when a baby's life was in danger. She glanced at the monitors looming over his tiny body. His heart rate her fallen dramatically and his temperature hadn't improved. Alicia listened to his chest and shook her head in frustration.

"Dr Munroe?" Elle entered the room in a hurry and was immediately by Alicia's side. "Tell me."

Alicia shook her head again, but more frantic this time. She backed away towards the door, panic rising in her chest. "Can you treat him please?" she asked. "I don't know what I'm doing."

Elle put her hand on Alicia's back. "Yes you do, come on. Let's work the problem together."

"I'm sorry" Alicia said and ran out the door.

* * *

Alicia sat in the staff room in tears. She was sure she was going to be reprimanded for what she did, running out of resus when her patient needed her. But Elle had been there, and she trusted the consultant more than she trusted her own abilities right now. Alicia heard the door open but didn't look up, afraid of who she might see.

It was Elle. She sat beside Alicia where she was curled up on the sofa. "Joseph is stable" she said. "We managed to get his sats up and he's ready to be transferred up to the NICU."

Alicia wiped her eyes with the hem of her scrub top. "That's good" she said. Her voice was small.

"What was that in there?" Elle asked.

"I think I shouldn't have been treating that baby" Alicia admitted. "My head's not in the game, I could have put him in danger. What if I missed something? What if he's worse because I couldn't do my job?"

"You did nothing wrong" Elle said. "I was there, I watched you work. You did everything I would have done. Sometimes patients just don't react to treatment the way they should." Elle shifted in her seat and turned to Alicia. Alicia was forced to look her in the face for the first time. "You're a good doctor, Alicia. Don't doubt yourself."

Alicia nodded slowly. She was having a hard time believing it. She didn't feel like herself at all. Perhaps Bea's declaration had affected her more than she initially thought.

Elle continued "But you can't just walk away from a patient. No matter what you've got going on. When you're here in the ED the patients come first. I know you know that."

"I knew you were there. I knew you'd take care of him." Alicia sighed. "But no excuses, I shouldn't have walked out. I'm sorry."

* * *

"Alicia? Are you ok?"

Alicia had been standing and staring a baby Joseph long enough for Robyn to put her hand on her shoulder in concern. Alicia blinked at the nurse's kindly expression and a tear fell down her cheek.

"I'm sorry. I'm being silly. It's nothing."

"He's alright" Robyn reassured her. "Dr Gardener got him stabilised." Robyn didn't speak again for a while. She seemed to be weighing up in her mind whether to let Alicia's explanation go or push on. "I know what you've been going through" she eventually said. "About Eddie."

Alicia looked down at the floor. Of course she did. Of course the whole department knew about that night, or thought they did. She felt a rush of affection for her colleagues for not making a big deal about it until now. Of course, that wasn't the whole story, but she would let Robyn think it was. The other thing she needed to get her own head around before she could even think about talking to anyone about it. Anyone but Bea at least.

"It's just a lot" Alicia said in a small voice. She wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand.

"We're all here for you" Robyn offered. "If you need an ear. Or a drinking buddy."

Alicia laughed. "Thanks Robyn. But I'll be fine."

The resus doors opened and there was a flurry of activity as the NICU team came to take the baby up to intensive care. The consultant read Joseph's chart and looked up at Alicia. "Your patient?"

"Yes" Alicia said, though she felt she was lying.

"He's in safe hands" he said. "I understand his mother's here with him. You can bring her up whenever you like."

Alicia looked helplessly at Robyn. She couldn't face Helena, she would feel like a fraud. She hadn't done anything to help her boy, she had let her own problems overwhelm her in the moment and had run out of the room when he needed her.

"I'll find her and bring her up soon" Robyn said, understanding Alicia's look. With that, the NICU team and the baby were gone and Alicia and Robyn stood alone.

* * *

Alicia stood in the ambulance bay at the end of her shift and held her phone to her ear and listened to the ringing. Bea's recorded voice came on the line to tell her to leave a message and Alicia felt desperate and angry. Angry at herself for letting the situation get to her to the extent that she put a patient in jeopardy. And yeah, she was angry at Bea. Not for what she said or how she felt, how could Alicia be angry about that? But she was angry for how Bea was, or wasn't, dealing with the fallout. She had left Alicia to try and make sense of what she'd said alone. Ordinarily Alicia might have been able to handle that, but on top of everything else it was too much.

"Bea, will you please just talk to me" Alicia said after the beep. Her voice was strained with the emotion of the day but she was trying hard not to shout. "I've been letting you have space but enough is enough. You don't get to lay something like that on me and walk away. It isn't fair. I've had a difficult day and I need you. Just call me."

Alicia hung up. She felt a bit guilty for making it all about her. Bea was no doubt having a hard time too but how was Alicia meant to know that for sure if Bea wouldn't talk to her? She was staring at her phone debating whether or not to call back and leave another message apologising for her angry tone when Ethan came up behind her caring a large reusable shopping bag full of groceries.

"Are you ready I go?" He asked. "Unless you want to postpone. I'd totally understand after today."

Alicia shook her head and shoved her phone into her pocket. "No, let's go. I don't really want to be on my own right now."

Ethan looked at Alicia curiously. He was vaguely aware that she'd had an issue in resus earlier but he didn't know the details. He wanted to know, he wanted to help, but he was learning that nothing would be achieved by him pushing Alicia for details. She would tell him in her own time if she wanted to. He had to trust that if he wanted to build a friendship with her again.

"Ok then" Ethan smiled. "Let's go."

Alicia followed Ethan across the car park to their respective cars. She was glad of the drive home and a chance to be alone just for a while. She didn't want to go home to an empty house, she was glad to spend the evening with Ethan, but she needed just a moment of solitude to catch her breath.

Alicia got home a little before Ethan, even though she stopped at the off licence for some wine. Ethan was a careful driver, too careful sometimes and Alicia had teased him about it repeatedly in the past. But she was glad of it now.

"Bea?" she called as she let herself through the door but she didn't really expect and answer. Even so, when none came she was disappointed. Alicia popped the wine she'd bought in the fridge and looked around her kitchen for signs that Bea had been home. Her friendship with Ethan had already been derailed by an errant post-it left on her fridge disclosing information that she would rather conceal, she didn't want the same thing to happen again. But there was no note, no clue about how Bea was feeling. But Bea's favourite mug was on the draining board along with a teaspoon which showed Bea had been here long enough to have a cuppa. Alicia picked up the mug and saw that it was still wet. So Bea can't have been gone long when she got home.

Ethan pushed open the front door that Alicia had left on the latch for him and fixed a grin on her face as he struggled through to the kitchen with the grocery bags. Alicia walked down the hall to meet him. "Can I help?" she asked.

Ethan dumped the shopping bags on the kitchen worktop and shook his head. "No. I'm cooking you a meal. Just relax. You can open the wine though."

Alicia felt like she didn't deserve someone being so nice to her. She'd spent so many weeks avoiding help from anyone that it was somehow wired into her brain. But she didn't need to think that way any more, she would try her best to let Ethan be there for her like he wanted. She wanted it too of course, but she could see from the way Ethan eagerly unpacked his lasagne ingredients and searched her kitchen cabinets for the things he needed that making this meal was his way of trying to make up for all the times he hadn't be there for her. Alicia decided to leave him to it. Only for a bit.

"I'm going to go freshen up and change" Alicia said. "I hope you don't mind. I'll open the wine when I get back."

When Alicia opened her bedroom door the first thing she saw was a sheet of paper lying on top of her duvet with Bea's messy handwriting on it. Her heart sank, afraid of what it might say. She picked up the note and sat down heavily on her bed.

 _Alicia, I'm sorry for running out and I'm sorry for ignoring your messages. I never should have said what I said and I hope you'll forgive me. I don't want things to be weird between us. I'm going to stay with my Dad for a while. But I will be back, if you'll have me. I promised to be there for you and I keep my promises, I just need some time. I've always been better at fixing other people's problems than my own. I don't want anything to change between us but I realise that will be impossible. I care about you a lot and more than anything I want you to be ok. Bea._

* * *

Alicia folded the piece of paper carefully and sat with it in her lap for a minute. Oh, Bea.

Alicia was distracted through dinner but tried her hardest to push Bea out of her mind and be here in the moment with Ethan.

"That was delicious" Alicia said with a smile, dabbing her mouth with one of the paper napkins she'd found in a box of stuff left over from Christmas. "Thank you Ethan."

"You're very welcome" he said shyly. "I'm glad I could do something for you. I know you don't need rescuing or anything like that, but I want you to know you can lean on me if you need to. There's no shame in that."

Alicia reached out and squeezed his hand. "I don't deserve you."

"I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

Something passed between them then, a spark of something old, remnants of feelings from a lifetime ago. Alicia snatched her hand away and pushed her chair away from the table. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologise" Ethan said kindly. "I know where I stand. You said you weren't ready to start something and I respect that." Alicia turned away, hiding her face. Ethan continued. "Alicia, has something else happened? Today with that patient… You're usually so sure of yourself in resus, it wasn't like you. Elle was worried and I am too. If you're hiding something and its affecting your work you should tell someone. It doesn't need to be me."

"Ethan… It's not my secret to tell. Please don't ask me again."

There was silence then, but while it wasn't exactly comfortable, there was at least an understanding to let this topic lie.

"Would you like more wine?" Ethan asked just for something to say.

Alicia thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to sink a few more glasses and forget everything but she thought better of it. She didn't trust herself not to do something she'd regret if she lost her inhibitions.

"No thank you" was her reply. "I think it's best I don't. But you go ahead. Honestly."

Ethan put the bottle back on the table. "No, I have to drive home, one glass is enough."

Alicia smiled. "I'll put the cork back in" she said. "I'll save it. For next time."

Ethan was so relieved that he hadn't blown it by bringing up work when they were supposed to be relaxing that he left out a small sigh. "Well" he said, trying to cover it up with humour, "I make a mean mushroom risotto too."


	10. Chapter 10

_Isn't it funny that the last chapter I struggled over for two weeks and this one I managed to write in about an hour? Two chapters in one week, I'm spoiling you! I hope you enjoy this one. As always feedback is very welcome._

 **Chapter 10**

"I'm taking you for breakfast. No arguments."

Rash turned up at Bea's Dad's house and dragged her out the door. It was way before Bea needed to leave but Rash had promised her pancakes and a very large coffee at the diner near the train station and Bea was too sleepy to put up much of a protest. And anyway, coffee was just what she needed.

"How are you feeling about going back to work?" Rash looked at Bea over the top of his coffee mug expectantly.

Bea hesitated. She was feeling fine about going back to _work._ In fact, she was chomping at the bit to get back to treating patients. She had had way too much time on her hands lately to think. What she was more apprehensive about was seeing Alicia.

"I feel fine about that " Bea replied in what she hoped was a nonchalant way. "Listen, please thank your parents for letting me stay the other week. I'm so embarrassed about the state I was in. What must they think of me?"

"My Mum likes you" Rash said. "Honestly, it's ok."

Bea thought back to the first evening when she had turned up drunk and upset on Rash's doorstep. She probably didn't make any sense and was soaking wet from the rain. Thankfully Rash's parents were already in bed at that point, she wouldn't have gone back the next night sober to ask for a place to sleep if they had seen her in that state. She had woken up very early and snuck out before anyone was up.

She'd felt humiliated. It had been a long time since she had to sneak out of someone's house to avoid their parents, and even though the last time was under very different circumstances she was just as embarrassed.

"You're welcome to stay any time you like" Rash said. Bea gave him a grateful smile. "I'm sorry I bailed on you in the pub that night, I don't think I've apologised for that. You never told me what happened" he said. "Not that you have to, you don't owe me an explanation."

Bea sighed. If she didn't tell someone she thought she might explode. Enough days had passed that she wasn't gripped by an all-consuming dread every time she thought about what she'd told Alicia. But that evening still came flooding back to her frequently. The breakup, the vodka, and the very drunken and very ill-advised revelation. Part of her wanted to crawl back to bed and hide. "You know Lilah and I broke up" Bea started.

"I know" Rash said. He sounded genuinely gutted. "You two were great together. I thought you really liked her."

Bea put down her fork, half a strawberry pierced on the end. "I did. I do. But not enough apparently."

"She dumped you? I thought it was you who…"

Bea interrupted Rash, not wanting him to think ill of Lilah for one second. It wasn't her fault, none of this was her fault. The only thing Lilah did wrong in Bea's eyes was care too much about someone who didn't care enough back. "No, it was pretty mutual. I mean, technically I let her off the hook but only because I knew what was coming if I didn't." More heartache, that's what. For everyone.

Bea had gone from not saying a word to talking too much. She had a habit of doing that. But she had to get all this off her chest and the one person she wanted to talk to about it the most was the one person who she couldn't.

"Lilah worked out I had feelings for someone else so I let her go. It wasn't fair. She's an amazing girl, she deserves to be with someone who will appreciate that and treat her properly."

"Feelings for who?" Rash asked, leaning forward. Bea brought out the gossip in him, a trait he wasn't exactly proud of.

Bea slumped back in the booth and closed her eyes. "Why do I always do this?" she asked rhetorically. "This isn't the first time I've fallen for an unavailable straight girl and it probably won't be the last."

"Who?" Rash asked again, Bea having ignored his question the first time.

Bea went quiet, deflated. She stared into her half empty coffee mug, unsure whether she should disclose any more. The last thing she wanted was to make things difficult for Alicia at work and telling someone else of her feelings had the potential to do just that. She'd barely admitted them to herself beyond that one stupid second when they spilled out in Alicia's living room. She'd spent the better part of a week trying incredibly hard not to think about her feelings at all. Because they scared her.

She trusted Rash to keep a secret, but she had to make sure. She opened her eyes and looked at her friend in a way that told him plainly that what she was about to say was deadly serious. "Rash, you can't say a word. I mean it. I don't want to make this situation any worse than it already is. You have to promise."

Rash nodded, waiting. "I promise."

Bea looked away. She couldn't meet his eye when she said it. "I told Alicia I was in love with her."

Rash was taken aback. He exhaled. "Wow."

"Yeah. I got drunk and it just spilled out. I didn't mean to say it, Alicia has enough to deal with."

"Is it true?"

Bea nodded slowly. "Unfortunately."

* * *

Bea stood in Mrs Beauchamp's office already changed into her scrubs with her stethoscope slung round her neck. She was itching to get back out there into the madness of the ED, a debrief from her head of department was just one of the hoops she had to jump through before that could happen. But she would do it gladly if it meant she could get back to work. She missed learning. And she needed the distraction. She listened to Mrs Beauchamp intently as she lay down the rules.

"Minor patients only" Connie said sternly. "I mean it. Stitching lacerations, writing prescriptions, administering pain relief. Anything more serious than a broken finger and youe to ask for help, got it? I've asked Dr Hardy to keep and eye on you for the next few days. If you're out of your depth ask him for help. I'll know if you don't. And absolutely under no circumstances are you to set foot in resus. Do you understand?"

Bea nodded. "I understand."

Connie's manner was more relaxed now that she'd laid down the law of the land. "Then get out there and see some patients" she said. "Treat the walk-ins this morning, see what we get through the door. And Dr Kinsella? Welcome back."

Bea managed a smile that she hoped didn't convey how nervous she was. "Thanks Mrs Beauchamp."

Bea left the office somewhat distracted and collided with someone just outside the door. "Oh, sorry" she said, before looking up and realising with horror that it was Alicia. Bea had been hoping to avoid her for a couple of hours yet, enough time for her to figure out what the hell she would say to her. This wasn't the meeting she had in mind.

"Bea." Alicia seemed just as surprised. "You're back, you didn't tell me."

Bea's hands started fidgeting awkwardly. It wasn't like her. She was usually so confident. "Yes."

"Can we talk please?" Alicia asked, but she didn't sound angry, she sounded relieved. She spoke in a hushed voice, this was no one else's business but their own. "I've missed you."

Bea didn't know how she would feel seeing Alicia again but she didn't expect her insides to feel quite so painful and her brain to feel quite so confused. "I've missed you too" Bea said with reluctance in a voice even quieter, in case that small admission was overstepping some line between them that hadn't existed before. Whereas before Bea felt perfectly relaxed and at ease in Alicia's company, she now felt on edge.

"Are you alright?" Alicia asked. Her hand twitched, like she was about to touch Bea on the arm affectionately but she thought better of it. Bea noticed with sadness. She was naive to think nothing would change but she was still unhappy that her suspicion turned out to be correct. "How is it being at your Dad's?"

"Not ideal" Bea said truthfully. "He's doing better but it's exhausting."

"You can come home" Alicia said. "I'll understand if you don't want to, but you can."

Bea didn't understand how Alicia could appear so calm when Bea herself was freaking out. If she could re-wind the clock and keep her stupid mouth shut she would in a heartbeat. "Thank you" was all she said. It was too formal a reply but she didn't know what else to say.

"So, can we sit down talk later?" Alicia asked. Pre-empting Bea evading her question the same way she'd ignored all Alicia's messages, Alicia continued before Bea had a chance to weigh in. "We need to talk Bea, we both know we can't ignore this forever. It's too important." Conscious of the fact they were still standing outside Connie's office, Alicia motioned for Bea to follow her into a quieter part of the corridor. "What you said to me, it shocked me, I don't want to lie to you by pretending it didn't. But I want to understand. And I don't want to lose you as a friend."

Bea shook her head. She was about to cry and she was annoyed at herself for that. "I can't, not yet. I'm sorry Alicia. I'm sorry."

Once again Bea walked away from her feelings in a hurry and left Alicia alone. Alicia hadn't ever seen Bea like this. She was in pieces, and Alicia was the cause of this. Alicia watched her retreat but didn't try to follow. She would let Bea get away with it this time, but she wouldn't let her avoid the situation for much longer. By the end of the shift Alicia wanted answers. If they were to save their friendship they needed to sit down and really talk.

* * *

Bea's face burned hot with embarrassment as she searched for her first patient of the day from the few walk-ins that had arrived early. She felt like a coward. She was a coward. Once again she had legged it when things got uncomfortable instead of confronting her feelings for Alicia. She'd left Alicia standing alone in an empty corridor and didn't even look back to see her reaction.

Bea surveyed the people sat in the patient waiting area. It was early, it wasn't that busy yet but that would change in an hour of so, Bea was certain of it. A tired looking mother was slumped in a plastic chair, a sleeping toddler clutched to her chest. A woman about Bea's own age was sitting quietly, staring into space. She caught Bea's eye and looked at her curiously, but she turned away quickly, her expression glum. And a middle-aged man in a plaid shirt was sitting in the corner cradling his wrist in his lap.

Bea took an educated guess that he was her first patient of the day and walked over to him, reading the name off the chart.

"Mr Atkinson?"

The man looked up and nodded, surprisingly cheerfully for the early hour and the pain he was probably in. Bea could see his wrist was badly swollen without even doing a proper exam.

"That's me. But please call me Doug." He stood up, still holding his wrist.

"I'm Dr Kinsella" Bea said. She felt an instant relief at having something and someone else to focus on besides her own problems. "Follow me, I'll take a look at you."

"I fell off a step ladder fixing a blind and landed funny" he said. "Do you think it's broken?"

They reached an empty cubicle. "Hop up on the bed and I'll take a look."

* * *

Alicia had been tied up in resus all morning with the victims of a multiple RTC. Bea was glad. Not about the accident of course, but about the fact that Connie's warning to stay away from trauma cases gave her a perfectly legitimate excuse to avoid Alicia.

She'd been kept busy. It was just the way she'd wanted it. She'd x-rayed and splinted Mr Atkinson's not-broken wrist, treated little sleepy Maisie Woods for a high fever and stitched up the forehead of a teenage boy names Jason who had fallen off his BMX in the skate park. Heading back out to the waiting area for the next recipient of her medical training she noticed the same woman from earlier had not moved from her spot. She was wearing jeans and black lace up boots. Her green trench coat was bundled up on the chair next to her and she held her handbag on her lap like she was expecting to get up any second. Or was prepared to, at least.

"Hey, Noel?" They receptionist turned at the sound of his name and scooted closer to Bea. She pointed towards the waiting area and the woman she was watching. "Has she registered with you yet? She'd been here at least a couple of hours, I'm surprised no one's got to her yet."

Noel's brow furrowed. "No, I don't think she has. Usually patients are dying to get their name on the list." He shrugged. "Maybe she's waiting for someone."

Just then the woman looked up, but she didn't glance away this time, she fixed her gaze on Bea. Now it was Bea's turn to feel uncomfortable, but she put down the next patient's chart she was holding and walked over to the woman.

When she realised that Bea was walking towards her, she seemed to shrink into herself.

"Hello" Bea said gently, not wanting to scare her away. She seemed timid, as though she would run away like a startled rabbit any second. "Are you ok?" She nodded slowly but didn't answer. Bea persisted. "You've been sitting here a while. You need to sign in at reception if you need to see a doctor or we won't know you're here."

The woman finally looked up at Bea and seemed to be studying her face. "I'm just waiting" she said. "I don't need to see a doctor, I'm not sick or hurt."

Bea wasn't convinced but was stuck on what to do to help. "Do you need someone to talk to? Because we can do that too." The woman didn't move but Bea stood up, authoritatively. "Come on, let's go somewhere quieter."

In the cubicle, Bea pulled the curtain closed to give them some privacy and the woman sat down on the edge of the bed. She seemed to be more alert now they were out of the busy waiting area. "I don't mean to be a bother" she said apologetically.

"You're no bother" Bea said. Once Bea got wind of a mystery she couldn't let it go and there was something about this woman that was peaking her interest. Usually people wanted to get in and out of the ED as quickly as possible, either up to a ward or safely back home. It was very rare to have someone willingly sit in the waiting area without demanding treatment. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Hazel Tate."

"Ok" Bea said, getting somewhere. "Sit tight, I'll see if I can pull your medical records."

"There's really no need." Hazel tucked her blonde hair behind one ear. She opened her mouth about to say something else but faltered and clamped her mouth shut again.

"You have to help us help you" Bea said. "You said you're not sick or injured, those are the two biggest reasons people come to see us here. So what do you need?" Bea hoped her tone was kindly and not demanding. She was still learning the bedside manner aspect to her job, she hoped she was getting the hang of it.

"I'm not a patient" Hazel said. "I came to see someone. I think. But I'm not exactly sure who that person is. I might have got it all wrong anyway." Hazel stood up, flustered, and made a grab for her handbag and jacket. "I'm sorry for wasting your time, I'll leave now."

"Hey, wait a minute." Bea held the curtain closed. She hoped she wasn't appearing threatening but she didn't want the woman to leave. "Are you looking for a patient? Or someone who works here?" Hazel didn't answer but she didn't push past Bea to leave either. She slumped back down on the bed and her face contorted into a look of anguish.

"I'm sorry" she said again, and covered her face with her hands. "I'm not making any sense, am I? My thoughts aren't making much sense either."

Bea sat down beside her. She knew that feeling. "Can I help? I'd like to help. We're not only here to fix broken bones you know."

Hazel offered a weak smile. "Is there somewhere I can get a glass of water?"

Bea made a decision then. Since Hazel never registered with reception and Bea hadn't got around to signing her in herself, she was planning to do that when she went to find her medical records, Hazel was nowhere on the system. "Come with me" Bea said and lead her out of cubicles and towards the relative's room.

It was empty. Miraculously, the RTC had not resulted in any fatalities so there were no grieving relatives in here, although the day was still young. "Have a seat" Bea said to Hazel. "I'll be right back with that water."

Bea returned a few minutes later with a glass of water from the staff room and a Kit-Kat she'd found in the top of the fridge. She made a mental note to replace it later. She had a feeling it was Dylan's and knew he would be less than happy to find it missing. "Here you go" Bea said, closing the door behind her. She handed Hazel the water and chocolate bar and she took them gratefully.

"Thank you. You must think I'm such a weirdo."

"No. You should see some of the people we get through here on a Saturday night." Bea's lame attempt at a joke made Hazel smile and she relaxed. "But I am wondering why you're here."

Hazel took a small sip of water and put the glass and the chocolate bar down on the low coffee table in front of the sofa. Bea noticed for the first time how red her eyes were. She looked like she had been crying. Hazel took a deep breath, seeming to find some courage from somewhere inside her and Bea waited.

"Are you her?" Hazel asked.

"What?"

Hazel swallowed. "Eddie McAllister works here" she said. It wasn't a question.

Bea froze. "He used to."

Hazel nodded slowly. "It wasn't hard to find him, a quick search on Facebook was all it took."

Bea looked towards the door, but where that was to check that no one else would come in or plan her own escape she didn't know. Because Bea felt a rising sense of dread that she knew exactly who Hazel Tate was and why she was here.

"I wanted to forget. It happened a long time ago, or it feels like it did anyway. I didn't want to drag it all up again, I didn't think I could take it. I almost fell apart the last time, that's why I told the police I didn't want to make a statement again."

Now there was no doubt in Bea's mind who Hazel was and she was thankful that it was her who had found Hazel and not another member of staff who was less aware of the sensitive situation. Bea knew she shouldn't be talking to her however, knew that if things turned around and she agreed to help the police, if Eddie's defence got wind of the fact Hazel had been here it might cause no end of trouble. But Bea was getting ahead of herself, and she didn't have it in her to abandon someone who was this upset, she never had.

"When I'd found out Eddie had done it again I felt sick. I could have stopped him and I didn't, I'm so sorry."

Bea was lost for words. She should say it wasn't her, that Hazel was apologizing to the wrong person. Eventually Bea managed to speak. "It wasn't me Eddie hurt" Bea said carefully.

Hazel didn't seem to hear her. "I have a niece" she continued. "She's thirteen. I love her more than anything. This whole time all I've been able to think about is what if something like this happens to her? What if she gets raped one day and someone could have done something to stop it and didn't?"

Bea took a step towards Hazel and crouched down beside her. "Hazel, it's not me" Bea said again. But please, stay here. I'll be back soon, I promise." Bea waited for Hazel to look at her. "Will you stay?"

Hazel nodded and Bea stood up. When she was at the door about to turn the handle to leave, Hazel spoke again. "She's here though isn't she? I was right about that?"

Bea didn't answer but her silence was all the answer that was needed. Bea closed the door softly behind her.

* * *

Bea hovered outside resus with one eye out for Connie in case her boss caught her and thought she was lurking to try and jump in on a trauma case. She could see Alicia through the glass working on a patient but made no attempt to go inside. Eventually, conscious that the longer she waited, the more chance there was of Hazel losing her nerve and leaving, Bea grabbed Louise as she was about to enter resus and asked her to get Alicia.

She watched as Louise approached Alicia and spoke to her, then Alicia looked up and saw Bea waiting. She said something to Duffy who was also treating the patient then walked towards the door.

"What is it?" Alicia asked.

"I need to talk to you" Bea said. "Can we go somewhere?"

That somewhere was the staffroom. There was no one else in there, they were all too busy treating patients. Before Bea could speak, Alicia beat her to it.

"I'm so glad you've decided to talk to me" she said. "It's not good for you to bottle things up. I should know." Bea opened her mouth to talk but Alicia held up a hand. "Just a moment, please. I need to say this." She sat down on the sofa and gestured for Bea to do the same. Reluctantly, she obeyed. The clock was ticking. Bea wouldn't be able to live with herself if she blew this one chance of getting justice for Alicia but she had to tread carefully.

"I don't want things to be weird between us either" Alicia continued, referencing the note Bea had left on her bed. "They don't have to be. If we can just clear the air…"

"Alicia, that's not why I need to talk to you." Bea took Alicia's hand, ignoring her own feelings. This was far more important. "We will talk about it ok? I promise. But now there's something more important I need to tell you." Bea paused, waiting a second for Alicia to digest what she had said. "There's someone here who wants to see you."

"Who?" Alicia asked, just as confused as Bea had been earlier when Hazel appeared.

Bea sighed. Lately Alicia seemed to be getting her life back on track and put the whole Eddie nightmare behind her. Bea hated that she was the one who, in 30 seconds time, would open those wounds again. But she thought she knew Alicia well enough to know that she would want the chance to get justice, even if it was painful. As Bea summoned the strength to tell Alicia about Hazel, she hoped to God her instincts were right.

"There is no easy way to say this. It's one of the girls who accused Eddie before. Her name is Hazel and she's here. She thought it was me at first, I told her it wasn't but I think she guessed she was in the right place. I didn't tell her your name or anything, I promise. But she wants to see you and I left her to come and find you."

Alicia sat as still as a statue and Bea could see tears had sprung to her eyes. Bea was aware that she still gripped Alicia's hand but it didn't feel awkward and Bea didn't try to pull away. Her friend needed support and that was all that mattered.

"Would you like to see her?" Bea asked gently. "I can tell her to leave if you want."

"Where is she?" Alicia turned to Bea. She looked lost.

"She's in the relative's room. I made her promise to wait for me but I'm a bit scared she might leave if I'm gone too long."

Alicia nodded her head slowly and methodically as she processed the information Bea had hit her with. When she didn't speak again for a minute, Bea gave her hand a squeeze. "I can come with you, or you can see her alone. Or not at all. Like I said, if you want me to tell her no…"

"No" Alicia said. "I mean no, I'll see her." She took a deep breath and smiled. From that smile Bea saw Alicia's strength and courage and knew she had made the right choice telling her. Bea stood up and Alicia followed.

"Come on" Bea said. "You can do this."


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank you to everyone who has written a review and given me feedback on this story. I am sorry for the break between updates, I was a bit stuck on how to end this chapter. Thank you in advance for reading and any feedback is very welcome._

 **Chapter 11**

Alicia sat outside in the Peace Garden with her eyes closed, the sunlight hitting her face and drying her tears. She felt emotionally exhausted although she had barely said a word. As Hazel recounted her assault at the hands of Eddie McAllister, Alicia simply sat and listened, her palms sweating and her heart hammering in her chest. It wasn't a huge stretch of her imagination to imagine the scenes as Hazel described them, there were so many parallels to Alicia's own attack that more than once her breath caught in her throat and she was right back in her bedroom that night, gripped by fear.

She didn't need to hear the details, not really. It was enough that Hazel had come forward and was willing to help. But she listened anyway. Alicia could tell how much Hazel needed to get it off her chest after keeping everything bottled up so long. Alicia knew what that felt like so she had listened anyway, even though she felt sick reliving another woman's attack by the same man.

Hazel finished her account and the two women sat a while, not speaking or even looking at each other much but sharing something profound and horrific that no one should go through. Hazel didn't ask what had happened to Alicia and she was glad. Maybe they'd meet again, maybe Hazel would find out Alicia's story anyway if CPS decided to take the case to trial, but it wasn't important. Alicia had already told her story, or at least all she felt able to share, to Bea and Ethan and even a condensed version to Connie. But from the way Hazel's words came tumbling out Alicia got the feeling she hadn't talked to anyone in a long time.

Hazel had left with the promise that she would contact the police and make a fresh statement, even though Alicia could tell that recounting her rape had ripped her apart a little bit. Despite this Alicia could already see a tiny glimmer of resilience and determination in Hazel by the time she left. Alicia felt hopeful and terrified all at once. She wanted this to be over, but knew she'd regret it for the rest of her life if she chose not to see it through to the end.

Someone sat down beside her. Alicia knew it was Bea without opening her eyes, she smelled her perfume. Bea kept a respectful distance, unsure of where the new boundaries of their friendship were. Alicia wasn't sure if she wanted her to stay away or hold her as she cried. On top of everything, their relationship had become so strange and uncomfortable that Alicia didn't know how she should behave.

"I thought I'd moved on" Alicia said. She opened her eyes but looked out at the garden instead of at Bea. "You know, I'd made peace with the fact that there was not enough evidence to prosecute Eddie and I'd probably never get justice. It was enough to know that I'd never have to see him again and didn't have to hide from what happened to me. At least, that's what I told myself."

Alicia turned her head and looked at Bea. She looked calm but nervous and unsure, so unlike herself. Bea was usually so quick to throw her arm around Alicia and know exactly what she needed. She was a good person to have around in a crisis, but now the immediate crisis was over things were back to being awkward.

"Thank you" Alicia said. "For being so great with Hazel. She told me how you'd found her and looked after her. She said she had felt like running all the time she had sat in the waiting area before you spoke to her. If her statement makes a difference to the case against Eddie it's thanks to you."

"No" Bea shook her head. "I didn't do anything. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her, and for you. To have this thrown at you again just when you thought it was over. If the police decide to bring a case against Eddie now it will be all down to you and Hazel." As she began to speak some of the old Bea came back, the Bea that knew exactly the right words to say. "Did she tell you what happened to her?"

"Every detail. It made me sick to listen to it. To realise that Eddie has an established pattern that he employed again and again… How many times must he have done this? Three at least. But how many other women are there out there that never came forward?" Alicia looked at Bea like she expected a genuine answer but knew that there wasn't, at least not one they would ever know.

"Alicia, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do for you." Now Bea began to cry. Alicia didn't think she'd ever seen her this way. "You need my support I think but I've messed everything up by saying what I said. I wish I could take it back."

"You haven't messed anything up" Alicia said. "It was plenty messed up already." Bea laughed a little and wiped her face, trying to regain some composure. Alicia continued. "I'm not freaked out, I'm flattered. Frankly I'm astonished you still want to be around me at all after learning all the sordid ugly details you have about me lately. But I'm not… I can't give you what you want."

"I never expected you to feel the same way about me" Bea said. "You don't have to explain."

Alicia looked relieved that Bea understood her meaning without having to say it. Alicia didn't want Bea to think she was offended or repulsed or anything like that. "I'm not ready to think like that about anyone. It's too soon. I told Ethan the same. I need to learn who I am again before I can think about being in a relationship again." She paused. She was going off track, her thoughts twisting around each other and coming out in the wrong order. She took a breath and started again. "That night is never going away, I realise that now. This is my new normal." Alicia held her arms wide indicating their surroundings then let them fall back into her lap. "I need to figure out what that means, and as much as I need to be alone to do that, I still need the people around me who care about me." Alicia moved closer to Bea on the bench but she didn't try and hug her or take her hand. Instead she leaned in slightly, her voice soft. "I still need you Bea. But I understand if it's too painful for you to be around me."

Bea choked on a sob. She came out here to offer Alicia comfort, this wasn't how the conversation was supposed to go. Now Alicia was the one comforting Bea even though she's the one that just had the morning from hell. Another reason to add to the already long list of reasons why she felt the way she did about Alicia. Bea looked at the empty space between them on the bench, symbolic of the void that had appeared between them all because of Bea's lack of self-control. She couldn't stand it and told herself then that she would do whatever it took to remove it.

"I love you" Bea said. "It's out there now, I don't see any point in not being honest about it."

Alicia smiled a small smile. How many times recently had Bea implored her to be honest about her ordeal and her feelings? She was glad that Bea was taking her own advice even if it made things strange.

"I don't say this to put pressure on you or anything like that. But it's true. In my book, loving someone means putting their needs before your own, so if you need me to be here for you then I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Alicia looked at Bea, laying her heart open before her and saw that she was more vulnerable in that second than Alicia had ever seen her. More so than when she was lying in resus after her accident, her life on the line. Alicia truly didn't know what she'd done to elicit these feelings from Bea, she definitely didn't feel worthy of them, but Bea spoke with such honestly that Alicia had no choice but to believe every word she said.

"I don't deserve you" Alicia said. "But I do need you. I'm sorry, it's selfish of me. Today just brought everything back."

Alicia brought her hand up to her face to wipe her eyes and Bea saw that her hands were shaking. Bea saw in Alicia's eyes that she was right back the night it happened, reliving every devastating detail.

"Come here" Bea said. That was all she said. She pulled Alicia to her and let her cry onto her shoulder.

* * *

When Alicia walked back into resus Connie watched her curiously. She had tried her best to wipe the mascara tracks from her cheeks and splash water on her face to try and calm the redness, but she knew she still looked a state and it was obvious to anyone that she'd been crying. Not to mention how long she'd been gone. The look on Connie's face was one of concern however and not anger at her absence. No doubt Bea had told her something of why Alicia was AWOL, or at the very least covered for her.

"Dr Munroe, are you alright?"

Alicia nodded. "Yes. I am actually. I'll need a word later if that's alright. But for now can I just get back to work please?"

"Of course" Connie said. And that was that.

Later, nearing the end of her shift, Alicia knocked quietly on her boss's office door. Connie was sitting at her desk and Alicia knew she'd been waiting for her.

"You did an excellent job with the patients from the crash earlier" Connie said kindly as Alicia took a seat. "It could have been much worse."

"We were lucky" Alicia said.

"Maybe. But it has a lot to do with how well everyone worked too, that includes you."

Alicia smiled, silently accepting the compliment although she suspected Mrs Beauchamp was just saying it to try and put her at ease.

"You wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I disappeared earlier. Did Bea tell you why?"

Connie shook her head. "No. But she said it was important and I believed her."

"Someone came to see me. She'd done her detective work and found out this was the right place." Alicia took a deep breath, realising that she wasn't making a lot of sense. Why was this so hard to say? "This woman who came to find me… Eddie raped her too."

Connie gasped, unable to hide her shock. "He's done this before?"

Alicia nodded. "It was a few years ago, when he was a student. I've known about it for a while but the police told me she wouldn't make a statement so I tried to forget about it. But she's changed her mind. My case against Dr McAllister might get to trial after all."

"I did a background check before I hired him" Connie said. "Nothing showed up. I'm so sorry Alicia, if I'd known I never ever would have brought him into my department."

"It's not your fault. Hazel made a statement at the time but withdrew it before Eddie was even arrested. He was never charged."

Connie walked around her desk and lay a hand on Alicia's shoulder. Connie was getting better at this side of her job, looking out for her staff instead of just worrying about meeting targets and keeping the hospital board happy. It was Alicia that forced her to take a look at herself, Connie felt like she'd let her down for all those months that Alicia had to work alongside Eddie. It must have been torture for her. Connie was determined that she would try and make it up to her now in any way she could and would do better from now on.

"Is there anything you need?" Connie asked.

"No. Not at the moment. I'll need some time off if there is a trial off the back of Hazel's statement but that's a while off yet. I just thought you should know."

"Thank you for telling me."

"Right." Alicia stood to leave. She had said what she needed to say to Mrs Beauchamp and suddenly felt very out of place. "I better get home, I'm on an early shift tomorrow."

"You'll keep me updated won't you Alicia? I'd like to support you through this."

* * *

This is just typical, Bea thought. She pulled the keys out of the ignition roughly and slammed the door of her car. Just bloody typical. She kicked the front drivers side tyre for good measure.

"Are you alright Dr Kinsella?"

Bea turned around from giving her clapped out car a kicking to find Dr Keogh watching her, a vaguely curious and slightly bemused look on his face.

Bea rubbed her temple, embarrassed. "Yeah, sorry. My car won't start, that's all."

"I'm not sure kicking it helps."

"Cheers, thank for the tip." Bea couldn't conceal her sarcasm but Dylan didn't take offence. "I'll call the AA, it'll be fine."

Dylan hoisted his bag more securely on his shoulder and nodded at the junior doctor. "Alright then. Goodnight."

Bea dug in her coat pocket for some change, suddenly remembering her earlier casual thievery. "Dr Keogh?" She jogged up to him and offered him a one pound coin and an apology. "Sorry."

"What's this?" Dylan was confused.

"For the Kit-Kat. I meant to replace it."

"It was you. I was wondering what had happened to my chocolate bar." Dylan pocketed the coin. He gave off his usual air of indifference and Bea couldn't work out if he was annoyed or not and didn't have the energy to try.

"It's been a mad day. It's a long story."

"Tell me another time" Dylan sad matter-of-factly. "I've got somewhere to be."

Bea watched Dylan unlock his own car with a beep, slide in and glide away trouble free. She glared at her own pile of junk with contempt then slumped down on the bonnet and pulled out her phone.

"Are you alright?" Rash called from across the carpark. He jogged over to Bea, pulling his jacket around him as he did. "How was your first day back?" Bea burst into tears. It caught her unawares, she shocked Rash and even herself. Without hesitating Rash sat down next to her and flung his arm around her. "Hey, what's the matter?"

"I'm being ridiculous" Bea said, wiping her face with her sleeve. Rash immediately presented her with a packet of tissues and then laughed, embarrassed. She took them gratefully. "Thanks."

"Was it really that bad?"

"No. The patients were fine. It was good to be back working actually. It's other stuff."

"Alicia?"

Bea nodded, leaning into Rash's hug. They sat there, perched on Bea's car bonnet for a minute or two. "I'm worried about her. Something happened today and I'm worried about how she might handle it."

"You talked to her?"

"Yes."

"How was that?"

Bea opened her mouth to answer but changed her mind. "Do you mind if we don't talk about it Rash? I've been going over it enough in my head today."

"Of course. You're just sitting on your car pondering the meaning of life then?"

Rash's attempt at a joke confused Bea at first, but then she caught on. "Oh, no. I was about to call the AA. My car won't start."

"Do you need a lift? My Mum should be here to pick me up any minute?"

"No thank you. I can't leave my car here. Thank you though. You're a good friend."

They both watched as Rash's mum's car appeared and his mother rolled down her window and waved.

"Are you sure you'll be ok?" Rash asked and Bea nodded. Rash gave her a peck on the cheek and stood up. "Take care of yourself, Bea. Call me if you need anything."

Five minutes after Rash left it started to rain. Bea sat in the driver's seat watching the rain trickle down the windscreen. She contemplated just curling up in a ball in the back seat and sleeping there, although knew that if she wanted to hide, her very distinctive car in the carpark of her place of work wasn't the most strategic place. There was a knock at the window as if to prove her point.

Blurred by the rain-streaked window, Alicia looked in at Bea from under a purple umbrella. She was simultaneously and first and the last person Bea wanted to see. But she couldn't ignore her. Not when she looked so concerned. Bea rolled down the window and gave her a weak smile.

"My car won't start."

"Come home with me" Alicia said. Bea hesitated. "Come on, you can sort out your car tomorrow. It's cold and wet and miserable."

"I don't think that's a good idea" Bea responded. "After what I said earlier… It's too weird."

"I told you, you don't need to be embarrassed."

"That's not it" Bea said, and it wasn't, but she also didn't know exactly what 'it' was. She was spared having to answer though because Alicia opened the car door and offered her hand.

Bea wanted to take it so much it hurt, but something inside her was stopping her. Her heart was teetering on the edge of a cliff as it was, one little knock and it would shatter into a thousand pieces. If she went with Alicia now, if she dared to hope that there was even a tiny chance that this whole sorry mess could result in happiness the blow would be even greater. Bea had had her heart broken before, but never like this. Because she had never felt like this before.

Bea's phone buzzed in her lap and she read the preview message through watery eyes. It was from the AA informing her the breakdown van was close by.

The rain still fell and Alicia's umbrella did little to keep her dry but she didn't seem to mind. She wasn't in any hurry, reluctant to leave without Bea. "Come on" Alicia said again.

"The breakdown guy is almost here" Bea said. "I need to stay while he fixes my car."

Alicia let her arm fall to her side and she adjusted her grip on the umbrella. "If you're sure" Alicia said.

When Bea looked up at Alicia, she couldn't quite read the expression on her face. Disappointment? Frustration? Annoyance? She didn't know what to say and looked away again, afraid to be caught staring to long.

Alicia reached inside the car and rubbed Bea's shoulder. Alicia didn't know what to say either and there were a strange and uncomfortable few seconds where Alicia crouched down awkwardly with rain blowing sideways through the door, neither of them speaking.

Bright headlights cut through the rain and the familiar bright yellow of an AA van drove towards them. Alicia stood up and waved at the driver. "Goodnight Bea" she said and pushed the driver's side door closed so there was only a tiny crack letting the night air in.

Bea's head was down, she didn't want to watch Alicia leave. A tight knot was forming in the pit of her stomach but Bea didn't know whether she wanted to scream or curl up in a ball and cry. The latter scenario won out and Bea leant over the steering wheel and put her face in her hands.

There was a light tap at the window and the silhouette of a man briefly blocked the light from a street lamp overhead. He had a waterproof parker zipped up to his chin and a hood covering his bald head. Bea tried to smile in greeting but it was a poor effort.

The man opened the door fully. "Don't cry love" he said in a broad west country accent. "I'll have you on the move in no time."


	12. Chapter 12

_Hi guys. I hope there are still some of you out there enjoying my story. And I hope I'm not the only one who ships these two! Even if I am, I'm going to keep writing this, I really miss Bea and I'm enjoying still having her around in my story. I would love to know your thoughts if you read this. I hope this chapter makes you happy, it made me happy writing it. I know it won't be for everyone and that's ok, but hopefully some of you will like it too. I'm going on holiday later today and I wanted to get this up before I went. It's quite a long one. Happy reading!_

 **Chapter 12**

"Hey." Alicia closed her locker door to see Bea enter the staff room in her street clothes with her handbag slung over her shoulder. She looked bleary eyed and tired but otherwise well and Alicia was pleased to see her. She told Bea so.

Bea ran her hand through her hair which hung loose around her shoulders. "I look wrecked" she replied. "That shift was… Well, you know. A standard night shift in Holby." She gave a tired smile.

"Was it bad?"

Bea shrugged. "There was a housefire, a family of five. I was treating the Dad, he's still in resus, he's got pretty bad smoke inhalation. And the son…"

"Bea. I'll get the shift handover form Charlie and Dylan. That's not why I'm asking. I feel like I haven't seen you in days." It was true, they'd been working opposite shifts for almost a week now and Alicia felt that it wasn't by accident on Bea's part. "Are you avoiding me?" Alicia did her best to not sound accusatory but failed.

Bea made a face and Alicia immediately regretted the question.

"It's not your fault, and I'll get over it soon, but it's too hard to be around you right now. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologise. I wish there was something I could do."

"I just need time" Bea said. "We'll be okay. But look, that was might last night shift. I'm sure we'll be back working together in a couple of days." Bea paused. "I was planning to go to the house today and pick up some stuff, I hope that's alright."

Alicia sighed heavily. What she wanted to say was 'I wish you wouldn't' but instead what she said was "Of course. It's still your home Bea, you can come and go whenever you want." But she knew Bea wouldn't, not if she thought Alicia would be there. "My shift's about to start" Alicia said, half because it was true and half to fill the slightly awkward silence when Bea didn't say anything more. "Take care of yourself Bea."

Alicia walked past Bea to leave the room and their hands brushed accidentally. Alicia stopped. She took a breath, waiting to see if Bea would react, if she would acknowledge the unintentional action, but she didn't say a word and Alicia wasn't about to for fear it would make it into something it wasn't. Instead she opened the staff room door and stepped into the ED.

Alicia was still thinking about the encounter hours into her shift. She really hated that things were so awkward between her and Bea now. She missed her best friend, she missed the fun they had together, the late nights at the pub or giggling on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a film. She missed being able to go to Bea with her problems knowing she would be there for her no matter what. Bea had said she would still be there for her, and Alicia knew if something major happened Bea would put her own feelings aside and be there for her in a heartbeat. But she missed the little things too. Everything had changed and Alicia wanted desperately to fix it.

Alicia looked up from the computer terminal at reception and saw Jan and Ruby enter pushing an older lady in a wheelchair.

"I'm fine" the woman protested, even as she held a bloody dressing to her forehead. "It's Ken you should be worrying about, not me."

"He's in good hands" Jan assured her. "Let's take a look at you too though yeah? You'll be no good to him if you've got concussion and are bleeding all over the place."

Alicia stepped out from behind the desk and joined the paramedics. "Who have we got here?"

"This is June Lowry" Ruby said. "72. She fell three feet onto a concrete path. No LOC but she has a nasty cut on her forehead and sprained wrist."

Alicia took a deep focusing breath. She was at work, people depended on her, she couldn't afford to be distracted by her personal problems, there was too much at stake. "Cubicle 3 is free." She took one last moment to compose herself before following the paramedics and patient into the cubicle. She drew the curtain closed.

"How's Ken? Please tell me. The other paramedics said he was having a heart attack or something."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Alicia helped June out of the wheelchair and onto the bed.

"I popped round for a visit" she said, her voice high and full of anxiety. "He's was just lying there on the floor not moving. I couldn't get in to him, I was so scared."

Alicia was touched that this lady was so concerned for her friend even while she was bleeding and probably in pain. "I meant to you. How did you get injured?" She asked.

"When he didn't answer the door bell I climbed onto the window ledge to look through the sitting room window. Well, he was just lying there on the floor. It gave me a shock and I slipped. I just need a bit of patching up, that's all."

"I'd like to get you a head CT to rule out any serious damage to you brain, and I need to examine your wrist properly." Alicia smiled sympathetically at June. "Please try to relax. As Jan here says, he's in good hands."

"Can you please find out how he's doing? I won't be able to relax until I know."

* * *

Back from CT, Alicia was re-checking Mrs Lowry's vital signs. The patient clutched her handbag nervously. It was always hard to see friends and relatives of patients so concerned about their loved ones. It was Alicia's least favourite aspect to the job. Because she could mend sprained wrists and order CTs but there was nothing at all she could do to make the worry go away.

"Have you two been neighbours long?" Alicia asked brightly, making small talk to try and lighten the mood.

"17 years" June said and smiled a little. "When My Alan and Ken's Margaret were both still alive we used to get glammed up and go on double dates. I've been by myself for nearly six years now and Maggie died just last year. We try to keep an eye on each other, it's hard to be alone. He has to be alright, I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't. Who would I talk about trashy crime novels with?" June pulled a tatty paperback out of her handbag and looked at the cover sadly. "I went over to lend him this" she said forlornly. "I thought he might like it."

Alicia put down her stethoscope and held June's hand. "Mr Bradshaw is getting the very best care. I won't lie to you, he's in a pretty bad way but we'll do everything we can."

"How long must he have been lying on the floor?" June said. Her eyes welled up and the blinked in an effort to hold back her tears. "I was busy eating my breakfast and putting the laundry on while he was lying there all alone. I should have gone around sooner, maybe it would have made a difference."

Alicia but her arm around the distraught woman and felt the emotion get to her too. She wasn't going to say everything would be alright, there was no way Alicia could know that. "Your CT results were normal and I've fixed your wrist and stitched you up. Let me give you the all clear then I'll see if you can go and sit with Ken. Maybe you can read him that book?"

Alicia handed her a tissue from the box beside the bed and June dabbed her eyes. "I'm sorry" she said. "I'm a mess."

"It's understandable, there's no need to say worry. I can tell you care a lot about him."

June sniffed but didn't say anything. She stared down at the bed, lost in thought.

* * *

"Mr Bradshaw has suffered a major myocardial infarction, the right coronary is almost completely blocked. He's already arrested once. We managed to get him back but it's touch and go."

Ethan delivered the bad news to Alicia outside resus in his characteristically gentle and caring manner. Alicia's shoulders slumped even so. She was hoping for better news. "Can my patient sit with him? She's worried sick."

"Yes" Ethan said. "In a few minutes. We're still working on him but she can come in for a while. Hey, this has really got to you hasn't it?"

Alicia smiled sadly. "Yes, kinda. I don't know why."

Ethan rubbed her arm. "Some patients just get to you, don't they?" Alicia nodded. "I have to get back in there, but I'll let you know when Mrs Lowry can come in. If you need me, you'll know where I'll be, okay?" Ethan looked pointedly at Alicia and she understood that he was asking not for the patient but for Alicia herself. He returned to resus.

Alicia watched him through the glass. Ethan was being so relentlessly nice to her at the moment and was so eager to let her know at every opportunity that he was there for her. It was sweet, but sort of exhausting. She knew Ethan wanted more from her, and she felt incredibly guilty that she couldn't give him what he wanted. Alicia trusted Ethan, she knew that he would never hurt her. But as much as she cared about him and was happy their friendship was back on track, she had come to the realisation that they spark they once had was no longer there.

It wasn't just because of her ordeal with Eddie and the trauma it had left behind that she was still trying to work through. She suspected that even without that, her relationship with Ethan would still be foundering. Her Mam used to tell her that anything worth having was worth fighting for, but Alicia had begun to think that where her and Ethan were concerned, if it was meant to be it wouldn't be so difficult. Every time she was in Ethan's company things were ever so slightly awkward. It was endearing, but for one reason or another Alicia could never relax around Ethan.

And then there was Bea, who until two weeks ago Alicia found the easiest person in the world to be around.

Alicia had always known Bea was gay and it had never been an issue, it was just one more thing that made Bea, Bea. It had never even crossed her mind that Bea might have feelings for her. Honestly, Alicia didn't think it had really occurred to Bea either, she had seemed as shocked by her revelation as Alicia was. Alicia wondered when Bea's feelings began to change and if they would ever sit down and have a proper conversation about it, Alicia would ask, but so far that had proved difficult. It was never the right time and one or other of them had always found an excuse not to try.

Somewhere deep down, Alicia still couldn't believe that Bea felt the way she said she did. Alicia knew she had not been the easiest person to be around lately, she had a hard time believing that anyone would want to spend more time with her right now. Alicia was getting better, she was finding balance in her life again and beginning to look to the future, but she was far from her best self. She didn't love herself all that much, she couldn't see how anyone else could.

What she did know was that she hated how things were between them. They had to talk no matter how painful and awkward it was. Honesty really was the best policy. It was Bea who made her realise that as she helped her come to terms with her attack.

Alicia found a secluded corridor and took out her phone. Alicia's hope that Bea would answer diminished with every ring and when Bea's voice came on asking her to leave a message her heart sunk.

"Bea. I hate how things are between us at the moment. You say you need time, but I don't want that. I want to see you, I want to talk properly." Alicia mind flashed to June and her anguish at the thought she would lose her best friend. "Look, I'll leave it up to you. Be at the house when I get off shift if you think you can talk. If not, I'll respect your decision and give you space. But I hope you'll be there. I miss you."

* * *

Bea threw items into a cardboard box, paying very little attention to what she was packing or how gentle she was being with her belongings. The urge to sweep everything off every surface in her bedroom was overwhelming, but she knew it would only make her feel better for a second and wouldn't solve anything.

She was angry at herself for all manner of things. She'd had a good thing going with Lilah and she'd thrown it away. She had found an amazing friend in Alicia, someone who she could have a laugh with and trust with her secrets and she'd destroyed that too because she couldn't control her feelings. She'd been reckless at work and almost died, damaging her career in the process.

Bea slammed her wardrobe door roughly and the loud crash of wood hitting wood echoed around the room. She'd broken her relationship, her friendship, her career and her body. A broken piece of furniture would be just one more thing to add to the list.

The sudden noise calmed Bea and she sat down heavily on her bed. She was exhausted, but it wasn't just a hectic night shift that was the cause. Life was never easy, Bea of all people understood that. But she had a habit of making things harder than they needed to be. She dove into things head first with very little regard for the consequences. She'd been like this ever since she was a little girl and broke her arm jumping off the garden wall all because the boy next door had said she was too scared to and she wanted to prove him wrong.

She'd done it too when she was 15 and she'd told her then best friend Cynthia that she thought she maybe liked girls, and Cynthia had freaked out and they barely ever spoke again. Bea was older now, but apparently no wiser and here was history repeating itself only to a lesser degree. Bea had faith that in time her feelings for Alicia would fade and they'd still be friends, but it could never ever be quite the same again.

On top of her dresser her phone buzzed but Bea only casually glanced in that direction and made no move to answer it. She wasn't in any mood to talk to anyone, and if it was Alicia who was calling her, she didn't know what she would say. Eventually the buzzing stopped and Bea lay down on her mattress.

* * *

"I loved my husband and I love our sons. Don't get me wrong, we had a good life together and I cared about him a lot. But there was no spark, you know? Not really."

Alicia looked up. There was that work again. The 'S' word.

"I think it's important. Alan was a lovely man, he treated me well, we took care of each other. I do miss him. But there was always something missing." June looked down at Ken and squeezed his hand. "It's terrible to say, Margaret's not been gone that long and it feels disloyal to her memory, but I've had feelings for Ken for a long time. I never would have dreamed of doing anything about it when Maggie was alive. And then she wasn't, and Ken was grieving, and it felt wrong for different reasons." June's voice changed then as a lump formed in her throat. "But now he might never wake up. I might never get to tell him how I feel. We might have had something really great, but now I'll have to live with wondering what might have been all because I was too scared to admit how I felt."

In the pit of her stomach Alicia felt fear. But it was a kind of fear she hadn't felt in a long time. The kind of fear that was tinged with possibility. The message she'd left on Bea's voicemail was still fresh in her mind. Had she come on too strong? She didn't want to guilt trip Bea into talking to her and she was worried that's how her voicemail came across. She was simply honest, and if her message sounded too forceful it was only because she was passionate about saving her friendship. The time June and Ken had together may be ticking away, but there was no reason Alicia could see that the same thing should happen with her and Bea.

"Maybe it wouldn't have worked, maybe we've been friends for too long. But I want to know." Alicia was snapped out of her own thoughts by June's voice. June kissed Ken's hand then looked up at Alicia pleadingly. "There has to be more time. I have to know."

"His sats are dropping" Louise said in a whisper. "I'll go and get Dr Hardy."

June picked up on the worry in the nurse's tone of voice. "What's happening?"

"We should step outside" Alicia said but when she gently placed her hand on June's shoulder the woman shrugged it off.

"No, I'm not leaving him" she said. The resus door burst open and Louise re-entered followed by Ethan.

"We need some space" Ethan said after on glance at the monitor. He and Alicia locked eyes and she nodded.

"Come on June, let Dr Hardy work." This time she was firmer in her attempt to make June stand up. She linked her arm with her own and guided her to her feet.

Just then the monitor alarm let out a wail.

"What's going on?" June was now hysterical and Alicia struggled to restrain her.

"He's in V-tac" Ethan said, and the staff in resus save for Alicia swarmed round the patient's bed.

Alicia guided June out of the room despite her protesting. It broke Alicia's heart to tear her away from the man she loved but if he had any hope of survival Ethan had to be free to do the best he could for Kenneth Bradshaw.

* * *

Patients died all the time. And this time it wasn't even her patient who died. But Alicia saw the utter devastation on June's face the moment Ethan broke the news and the whole drive home Alicia couldn't clear the woman's face from her mind. She turned into her street and was disappointed not to see Bea's little yellow car parked in front of her house. With a heavy heart Alicia slipped her key into the lock and opened the front door. She hung up her jacket and slung her handbag on the floor and then stopped.

Bea's denim jacket and shoulder bag were hanging on the banister. Alicia took a deep breath. Slowly and cautiously she climbed the stairs.

She found Bea asleep on top of her bed covers, the busy night shift probably catching up with her.

Had she heard Alicia's message? Had she chosen to stay? Or had she simply passed out from exhaustion and lost track of time? Alicia hoped it was the former but feared it was the latter. But then she noticed Bea was clutching her phone to her chest and Alicia knew she'd heard the message.

Bea stirred, sensing another person in them room and sat up with a start.

"Hello" Alicia said, timidly. She felt a bit like she was an intruder in her own house in that second. She felt awkward being caught watching Bea sleep.

"Hey. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"I'm happy you stayed" Alicia said, trying to sound positive, but it came out like a question. She fully expected Bea to tell her it was a mistake, that she didn't mean to stay until Alicia got home and she had to go.

Bea rubbed her eyes but didn't answer. The truth was it wasn't completely intentional. Sleep had got the better of her and she had nodded off, but deep down Bea knew that she could have left the minute she'd finished listening to Alicia's voicemail, but she didn't. Of course she wanted to stay and see Alicia. She wanted nothing more. But she was scared about what it would mean, and what might happen.

"Your car wasn't outside" Alicia said. "I didn't think you'd be here."

"It's still in the garage" Bea said. "I've got a hire car."

"I've had a terrible day" Alicia said, still hovering on the threshold of Bea's room. "A patient of Ethan's died. His best friend was my patient and she had to watch him die."

Bea listened to Alicia recount her day, looking on in silence.

"We all waste too much time walking on eggshells when we should be honest with each other. I'm trying to be better at that. June spent six years or more not telling Ken how she felt when all that time they could have been happy together. Now it's too late. He's gone and they'll never get that time back."

Alicia was rambling. That fear she'd felt earlier rose once again in her gut and now she understood what it meant. Her heart began pounding in her chest so loudly she felt sure Bea could hear it.

Bea saw the look on Alicia's face but had to look away. "I should go" Bea said. "I only came to get a few bits."

Alicia stepped into the room, frustrated that after all that time Bea had spent pleading with Alicia to be honest about her feelings Bea was evading her own. That day in the peace garden when Bea had laid her heart on the line felt like months ago. Be kept going backwards and forwards between spilling her feelings and locking them up tight. That was probably why she was so exhausted.

Bea tugged her jumper down and bent to pick up the cardboard box filled with her stuff. "I'm sorry Alicia, I can't do this now." Bea made a move to leave the room but Alicia wouldn't let her pass.

"Bea, stop. Please." She took the box from her and placed it back down on the floor. "Give me five minutes. And then if you really want to go you can go." Alicia noticed her hands were shaking and put them behind her back to hide the tremor. "You've been so brilliant to me these past weeks. I've been a nightmare to be around, I know this, but you stuck by me and I couldn't be more grateful for that. I don't know how I would have got through what happened to me without you, and I don't know how I'll get through the trial or any of what's to come without you by my side."

Now her arms were empty, Bea held them at her side awkwardly. She looked like a wild animal, caught somewhere between fight or flight and unable to move. "I'll always be there for you Alicia" she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "I just can't be here. It's too hard."

"I want you to stay. I need you to stay."

Alicia took a step towards Bea and panic rose in Bea. Because she had dared to hope for a split second that Alicia might return her feelings and if she gave into that hope and it turned out to be false the blow would be crushing. "What are you saying?" Bea asked, terrified of the answer. "Because unless you're saying what I hope you're saying I don't think my heart could take another word."

Alicia looked terrified too, but she fought to keep her body relaxed and an air of confidence around her. She couldn't quite believe she was doing this, not after everything that had happened today and all the days prior to this that she'd been fighting to keep everything the way it was.

"I'm saying I don't want you to go" Alicia said again. "I'm saying I care about you and enjoy your company. I'm saying I feel safe with you. I'm saying this house only feels like a home with you in it and without you by my side I would have fallen apart long ago."

Alicia took Bea's hand in hers and looked her straight into her eyes. She wanted to go on but was scared to. This was the boldest thing she'd done in ages. "You're special to me Bea" she said. "This special."

And Alicia leaned in and kissed her. Just small and light at first, but when Alicia pulled away again and opened her eyes she saw that Bea was crying. She looked so helpless and vulnerable in that moment that Alicia's heart gave a pang. She felt like crying too, but from relief.

"If you're only doing this to keep me from moving out, please don't. I couldn't..."

"Bea" Alicia said, cutting her off mid-sentence. "Stop talking." And she leaned in once more, their lips meeting again. This time neither of them fought it.


End file.
